1 if you both have demanding jobs that you want to continue. 2 if at least one of you has a flexible, low-stress job OR involved local grandparents. I would never recommend more than 2 for a dual-working couple.

I’ve seen multiple friends deal with special needs kids, and it makes a huge difference in the family’s daily experience. Not all special needs are apparent at birth. My dear friend had a kid diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, and it has been a hell of a ride, even with a SAHP. Bottom line, the more kids you have, the higher likelihood of having a special needs kid. We stopped at two because if #3 had special needs, we’d be sunk. Technically, we could handle three healthy kids, but didn’t want to take the risk. One DC may actually have ADHD, but that’s a really minor thing. My sister had it, and it’s easy to manage.

Also, if you both don’t have 23 and me profiles, I would do that. DH and I are both carriers for some crazy diseases, but since we aren’t carriers for the same disease, it really took the stress off. Both kids are healthy. When they marry, I’m going to suggest that they and spouse get DNA tests, to see if there’s any overlap. If you were both carriers for say, cystic fibrosis, you might get genetic counseling, donor sperm, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. Not more than 2. One is fine but they do get quite lonely. 2 gives your child an actual family member whom they see on a regular basis. 3 or more is a problem because the small amount of time parents are actually parenting gets further divided up to the point where the children never get time one-on-one with a parent. With two you can regularly do one-on-one because one parent takes Billy to soccer while the other takes Judy to girl scouts on Saturdays.

Note that I make a difference between two-job families and two-career families. If one of you has a flexible job that is never more than 40 hours with little or no travel then it’s more about what you can handle. But if you are a two-career family with both parents working 50+ hours most weeks and taking on travel and weekend work and inflexible hours to pursue career advancement then you really will only see your kids for maybe half an hour total on weekdays and like 3/4 of the weekend (most of these families have a weekend sitter or nanny to cover at least one day). If that limited time and attention gets further divided between multiple kids then they won’t feel they know you at all.

This is a dumb distinction and offensive to many. I have a career, not just a job—professional degree, kind of impressive title, several people reporting to me. I don’t work more than 40 hours a week (or, if I do, those extra hours are done when my kids are asleep, but that’s rare). DH is the same. We’ve never used more than 40 hours a week of childcare and are very close to our kids.

I replied upthread and said two for all the same reasons others are saying two. And I work full time now so when I see "dual-earner" I think that's me.

But I just remembered that after having my first, I had really bad postpartum depression. I went back to work after my maternity leave, but was so miserable I left two months later. It was awful because I really wanted to work and because losing my income was financially really challenging for us. But I was just barely hanging on, and the one thing that brought me joy was spending time with my baby, so leaving my job allowed me to do that for a while, and to focus on getting better. I went back to work, but it was when my DD was over a year old, and it was part-time for a while. It's amazing that I just didn't even think about that when I responded above.

Anyway, my point is -- unpredictable shit happens. I probably don't make as much in my current job as I would if I'd figured out a way to stay in the job I had when I first had kids. But I couldn't figure out a way to stay in that job and also be a functional person. Maybe another company would have let me take a leave of absence, I don't know. But I did what I had to do, which at the time was quitting my job.

You just can't predict some of this stuff in advance.

Two is probably a good number. We had our third this summer and while she’s adorable I worry we’ve bitten off too much. We are lawyer/lawyer but feds so we have a bi-monthly house cleaner but no other help. As someone said 3 makes one on one time harder. We are still trying to figure it out. Any tips? Lol

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With this attitude, be prepared to be one of those people who says "where did the time go" when they leave the nest one day.
Of course you'll wonder -- you were working all the time.

We have 3 kids, my wife currently does not have a paying job, and we have a happy, organized, often joyously noisy (albeit occasionally whiny!) home with minimal stress and enjoyment of life's moments. Yeah, she could go back to work...it isn't worth it....the money ain't worth the stress. You get one time around.

Maybe the men with stay at home wives can stop commenting on a thread for DUAL WORKING COUPLES. Hint, this one's not for you!

He is definitely the same guy who posted on the other thread that Covid is no problem for him because his wife doesn’t work.

and such men are the ones with wives that post about feeling lonely and overwhelmed.

I know someone with 5 kids and very successful careers. They outsource each and everything - nannies for kids, regular cleaning person, lot of meal services. Basically, all you need is $$$ and then you can have as many kids as you want.

The magic number is the number of nannies you add to your family. Any number of kids is doable with the right amount of help. Have five if you want, but you are going to have to hire some people.

One to two. After that you increase the chances of having a kid with special needs who needs you to take them to a lot of appointments and most people have a stay at home parent in that circumstance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With this attitude, be prepared to be one of those people who says "where did the time go" when they leave the nest one day.
Of course you'll wonder -- you were working all the time.

We have 3 kids, my wife currently does not have a paying job, and we have a happy, organized, often joyously noisy (albeit occasionally whiny!) home with minimal stress and enjoyment of life's moments. Yeah, she could go back to work...it isn't worth it....the money ain't worth the stress. You get one time around.

Maybe the men with stay at home wives can stop commenting on a thread for DUAL WORKING COUPLES. Hint, this one's not for you!

He is definitely the same guy who posted on the other thread that Covid is no problem for him because his wife doesn’t work.

Anonymous wrote:With this attitude, be prepared to be one of those people who says "where did the time go" when they leave the nest one day.
Of course you'll wonder -- you were working all the time.

We have 3 kids, my wife currently does not have a paying job, and we have a happy, organized, often joyously noisy (albeit occasionally whiny!) home with minimal stress and enjoyment of life's moments. Yeah, she could go back to work...it isn't worth it....the money ain't worth the stress. You get one time around.

Maybe the men with stay at home wives can stop commenting on a thread for DUAL WORKING COUPLES. Hint, this one's not for you!

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My husband is a Big Law partner. I had a time intensive and stressful but low paying job in campaign consulting. After having one kid I basically had to decide- more kids or my career because I couldn't have both. I chose more kids.

Anonymous wrote:With this attitude, be prepared to be one of those people who says "where did the time go" when they leave the nest one day.
Of course you'll wonder -- you were working all the time.

We have 3 kids, my wife currently does not have a paying job, and we have a happy, organized, often joyously noisy (albeit occasionally whiny!) home with minimal stress and enjoyment of life's moments. Yeah, she could go back to work...it isn't worth it....the money ain't worth the stress. You get one time around.

So...are you saying you’re the one missing out?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amy Coney Barrett and her husband both work with 7 kids.

Didn't they have a family member living with them to help with the kids? Someone like that can make a huge difference. It's basically a SAHP who's not actually a parent.

They had family members, church members and hired help. Those kids didn't get much attention from their parents and they are show pieces.

You’re gross.

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