Anonymous
Post 12/06/2020 01:39     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.


As a clinical psychologist who spends 90% of my work day doing neuropsych evaluations on children from all types of families this is a constant education process i have to go through on a daily basis. Barring major dysfunction, personality traits are genetic. Your assessment is a common, but ignorant and very antiquated one.

The other side of the coin is that I sometimes see very compliant children who are pleasers because they are walking on eggshells around their parents. They actually don't feel valued and accepted. They come to me as "good" kids with some educational issues and once you peel the onion back it's the compliance that actually is the root of the problem.

The reality is, if you work with families, you often see a huge spectrum of children in the same family raised the exact same way, in loving supportive homes (every family who comes to me spending 3k in an evaluation have parents who pay attention to their kids and love them).

There is a lot of arrogance in many of these responses as if some of you deserve credit for having a compliant child, when in fact you are either lucky or have simply systematically torn your kid down.

I do find the anonymity of this forum quite relieving. I'd love to say this to your face, but cannot.


Agreed. I work with young kids and you’ve articulated perfectly what my experience has been working with them.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2020 01:36     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Both but also depends on age and maturity level
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2020 01:11     Subject: Re:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
DC area is full of mean, petty, judgmental, virtue signaling parents. Wonder what kind of kids they will raise.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 20:04     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Anonymous wrote:Is this nature or nurture?


Itd genetics sorry
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 19:40     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Anonymous wrote:We all know bratty, spoiled, entitled kids who grow up to be huge jerks.

Don't you think that's because their parents were not good at either modeling good behavior or setting boundaries and limits for bad behavior?


Yes.

They either didn’t care or gave up instead of getting help grooms, parenting courses, rules, diagnoses).
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 13:26     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Of course it’s both. I have natural inclinations that I have to work really hard to change when the habits/inclinations are detrimental to my well-being. Same with children.

It takes wisdom to know how, when and if to nurture the nature.

Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 13:24     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
We all know bratty, spoiled, entitled kids who grow up to be huge jerks.

Don't you think that's because their parents were not good at either modeling good behavior or setting boundaries and limits for bad behavior?
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 13:22     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
I feel like Michael Jackson moonwalking through the calabasas
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 13:13     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
I'm not going to keep quoting but I'm the PP who said the key is making sure the child feels well loved and secure and to set limits for behavior.

My kid is polite and well mannered. But he's NOT easy. He's polite and well mannered because I've put effort into making him that way. It's one of the biggest things I've insisted on. We've spent his whole life talking about how his actions affect other people and how he feels when other people treat him poorly. He strives to be better because he has a conscience. I assume that he feels bad about himself when I tell him I'm disappointed in something he's done and that's why his behavior has gotten better over time.

Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 13:09     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids...

...are kids who are paid attention to by their parents. So they are secure in knowing that they are important and loved.


+ 1

Parents also set limits and let them know when they are disappointed by their behavior to others. That's the key imho. Kids who feel well loved and securely attached will be internally ashamed if you let them know you have been disappointed in their behavior.


I think you are way off the mark. I have never had to set many limits. My kids just behave. They just do. I have friends who are very good parents. Loving, attentive, set limits, etc, and their kids are wild. They struggle with behaviors. Parenting can influence children a little, but so much of our children come out the way they come out.


I’m “way off the mark” for setting limits? So when my son who is a little impulsive says something mean to his little sister that hurts her feelings I should just ignore it instead of letting him know that that was an unkind, hurtful thing to say and how would he like it if someone he looked up to said that mean thing to him? Yeah ok, gtfo.

I abhor parents who just let their kids do and say whatever with no boundaries, limits, or discussions about how their actions have consequences and behavior affects other people.


What? No. You are off the mark they the key is setting boundaries. My kids are super well behaved. Very few boundaries have been set. They just behave. Because that is their nature.

+1. I set very few limits. I may say “you can play Minecraft for 30 minutes” he sets the timer and stops when it’s done. If I don’t give him a limit he’ll stop on his own, after maybe 45 minutes. I’m a special education teacher who has tons of experience with boundaries, I just rarely need them at home


You got really lucky. We set strong boundaries and have a really good child but if we said 30 minutes, sometimes they get off, sometimes not and usually because we have parental controls.

Yep. I told him the rules once and that was it. The only thing I did was delay tablet use outside of airplanes until he was 8, so that may have contributed.


Delaying tablets when there is tv, phones and computers means nothing. You got an easy kid plus parenting.

That’s what I said. It wasn’t anything I did, he’s just easy. (We didn’t do phone or computers either but with his personality I don’t think it would have been an issue)
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 13:06     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
I have such a kid and I think it’s 75% nature. I would not describe myself as “good natured” or an optimist but my kid seems to have that disposition. She seems naturally cheerful. I do think part of the reason she’s well behaved is that we set clear rules and expectations, though.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 11:36     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Nature for the win. My kids are hard—were from birth. My DH and I bring our anxiety, depression, ADHD, and disrespect for authority to the genetic mix. The result is some challenging kids. I love them, though. I just wish I had one easy kid!
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 06:17     Subject: Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Both.
My kids were born ‘easy’ and thus with normal, loving, consistent parenting were easy to turn into good-natured, well behaved polite kids. However, particularly at younger ages, some kids are not well-behaved, by nature, despite the best efforts of their parents. It’s the ones with bad parents that continue to be little hellions as they get older.

It’s not all about being strict though. I’ve found that my son’s friends with very strict parents first come off as nice and polite (often to a fault) but can be kind of conniving troublemakers when you really get to know them.
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 02:16     Subject: Re:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
Anonymous wrote:I think my child got the good nature, genetically, from my husband and the nurture from me. I am very nurturing and calm and patient. My husband, not so much, but he’s good natured and very wise. I think we are a good match and produced a nearly perfect child . We also stopped at one because maybe the odds are against us.


1) You're wrong, just ask your friends, and

2) Please keep it at home. No one wants to deal with a child whose parents think it is nearly perfect (or the parents, either).
Anonymous
Post 12/05/2020 02:07     Subject: Re:Good-natured, well-behaved, polite kids
I think my child got the good nature, genetically, from my husband and the nurture from me. I am very nurturing and calm and patient. My husband, not so much, but he’s good natured and very wise. I think we are a good match and produced a nearly perfect child . We also stopped at one because maybe the odds are against us.