Anonymous wrote:Some women in older generations don't really engage in conversations with men. It's kind of like they think women and men are supposed to visit separately. So maybe she was amazed that you were comfortable sitting there chatting it up with men like you were "one of the boys".

Same with some women from certain cultures and religions. I knew someone whose mother was all about "visiting" separately (after a meal the men and women would "visit" separately and would just stare at or make eye contact with the other women and not men in a mixed group (I guess she was uncomfortable staring at the men so would just kind of zone out while the men were talking and stare at the women). The mother was raised Orthodox Jewish which probably explains this because at weddings/social events/etc. the men and women and separated in the circles she grew up in.

Some women in older generations don't really engage in conversations with men. It's kind of like they think women and men are supposed to visit separately. So maybe she was amazed that you were comfortable sitting there chatting it up with men like you were "one of the boys".

I am a MIL. I thought of this thread after I video chatted with my son and DIL and their 5 month old baby. I was looking at the baby and wondering whose eyebrows she has, then looking at my DIL to see if the baby has her eyebrows or my sons. Then looking at the baby's chin and then my DIL, to see if the baby has her chin, etc.

Then I realized that perhaps it could have been interpreted that I was acting like the MIL in this thread.

Let it go Op. as evidenced by the responses in this thread it could be a million things. Saying something to her will make you look bad. It isn’t worth the trouble. Smile and be confident while she’s staring. If it is malicious, that will surely rattle her. But say nothing and stop mentioning it to your DH. Sit on it like the two of you share a secret.

Anonymous wrote:My own mother would state at me all the time to find anything wrong she could criticize me for later.

She sounds like an anxious person with additional personality problems.

Yes, this MIL is probably doing the same, but also understands she can't criticize a DIL.

Anonymous wrote:My mom stares at people because she has poor social skills. If it bothers you, you could try low key feedback, like glancing over , smiling, and saying "Yes, Mary? You're staring at me."

But if you can ignore it and you already know she has mental health issues that cause her to be emotionally aggressive, I would try ignoring.

I agree with this. If you keep pushing back eventually she is going to snap, saying something that will probably cause problems for both of you. I think it is a combination of poor social skills and the sadness of lost youth, lost child to another woman/man.

OP my MIL used to do this to me too. But it was pretty clear she totally hated me at the time. That was years ago and we've got past it but seriously - this lady hates you.

It is also partly "what does my son see in this creature" and I think sometimes "what can I do or say to make her feel as crazy as I feel right now"

She is BPD but manageable, and it helps that she is about 4000 miles away.

My MiL does this as well. In my case, it’s because she’s lonely and just wants to engage with me.

mine too, glad they leave tomorrow

I feel like my mother in law did this when she visited our new house and I came downstairs to have breakfast, which my husband kindly prepared for all of us. My thoughts were...she is critiquing how i look in the morning (i brushed my teeth and hair, but no makeup) Pitying her son that he has to cook for himself and the guests! Or...in the past when we were on vacation with her when i needed a break i passed on one of her breakfasts (i just was tired of her breakfasts, sitting together for all meals and treating us like children) and I said, i was going to pass, that I did not always eat breakfast, thanks...and she was now observing me eating breakfast! Why his and not hers? Who knows?
Op is it possible she is judging you physically? Or what you are eating? And if so...who cares? I mean really, it's her problem. If it was chronic i might look over, raise my brows in curiosity and maybe kindly say, "did you eant to say something?". Just to break her weird haze.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she do this only to you? Do you catch her staring this way at other family members?

I haven't paid close attention. And my husband has Aspergers so he's oblivious. And really, most of the time she is talking, not just sitting there. It is unusual for her to be quiet.

If it is your husband's mother (who stares at you, OP), and your Dh has Apserger's, then it may follow that your MIL also has Asperger's, and does not understand what is socially acceptable.

I'd ask her!!! I wouldnt say starting though, I'd say looking at me.

My thoughts are like someone already mentioned, shes watching you because shes trying to filter social cues and you are kind of like an interpreter for you to watch, or

She doesn't really follow or understand the conversation, but doesn't want to miss what you say, so shes paying very close attention. Or

She really wants to talk to you and is waiting for an opening.

Has she always done this? Blank stares were the first signs of my MIL's Alzheimer's. The stares started probably a year before the family recognized something was off and she was diagnosed.

Ha! My kids do this to me. I’m going to call them out to make them feel stupid. This will be fun.