Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys?

OP here. She is 32 and I'm 37.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think that men (perhaps unknowingly) expect women to do it all. I think a lot of men really just want to marry their mothers.

So true!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to break up. This is a deal breaker.

Let me tell you what I can happen in real life--this is my story:

At the beginning of dating I said I don't think I wanted kids.
A huge fight ensued a bit after that in which he said he wanted only one child and that kid would go to daycare and his future wife would not be allowed to take a break from working.

I said I would never have his kids.

Pretended the argument did not happen (we were drunk).

Upon getting serious 1 year later or so, I said I still did not think I wanted kids and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no.

I accepted a proposal on the basis there would be no kids. I wasn not sure I wanted them to begin with but I certainly did not want them with him and his conditions.

Fast forward. A year after marriage he relentlessly pressured me to get off the pill. Every day nagging. We did not have sex much at all and I did when I was sick on antibotics because I was so sick I was sleeping at the late time I normally took them. Also, he kept saying the pill made me crazy and wanted me off it.

That is when he pressured me to have sex and refused to use a condom. I told him I did not want to get pregnant. He said it would not happen one time. I was only not on the pill for 3 days. I was too tired to argue and hoped it would not result in a pregnancy. I was in my mid-30s.

Guess what? One time got me pregnant. It killed any feelings for him whatsoever. I wanted to leave but felt guillty. He later said he "changed his mind about having a kid." I felt duped. I was honest upfront. He pressured me into doing what he wanted without any regard to my feelings or our agreement. The marriage went into a nosedive immediately upon the pregnancy and never recovered. I "stayed for the kid" for eight more miserable years.

I am finally divorced.

Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings toward him. I did not want to spend 18 years raising a child. I have not been able to do what I wanted because of it. I love my kid but I know I would have been happier never getting pregnant. Career trajectory stalled. I preferred my pre-baby body (it is good but will never be what it was). I don't enjoy parenting. I find some moments of joy but not nearly enough. It is a lot of sacfrice and I knew it was not something I wanted to do, especially in that particular marriage.

If she does not want kids and you want kids, you are not compatible for marriage. End of story.

This is a deal breaker. Get out now. It is not fair to either of you to compromise what you want in life.

Woah. Why are you laying all the blame at your ex-husband’s feet? Own the choices you made!

Anonymous wrote:You need to break up. This is a deal breaker.

Let me tell you what I can happen in real life--this is my story:

At the beginning of dating I said I don't think I wanted kids.
A huge fight ensued a bit after that in which he said he wanted only one child and that kid would go to daycare and his future wife would not be allowed to take a break from working.

I said I would never have his kids.

Pretended the argument did not happen (we were drunk).

Upon getting serious 1 year later or so, I said I still did not think I wanted kids and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no.

I accepted a proposal on the basis there would be no kids. I wasn not sure I wanted them to begin with but I certainly did not want them with him and his conditions.

Fast forward. A year after marriage he relentlessly pressured me to get off the pill. Every day nagging. We did not have sex much at all and I did when I was sick on antibotics because I was so sick I was sleeping at the late time I normally took them. Also, he kept saying the pill made me crazy and wanted me off it.

That is when he pressured me to have sex and refused to use a condom. I told him I did not want to get pregnant. He said it would not happen one time. I was only not on the pill for 3 days. I was too tired to argue and hoped it would not result in a pregnancy. I was in my mid-30s.

Guess what? One time got me pregnant. It killed any feelings for him whatsoever. I wanted to leave but felt guillty. He later said he "changed his mind about having a kid." I felt duped. I was honest upfront. He pressured me into doing what he wanted without any regard to my feelings or our agreement. The marriage went into a nosedive immediately upon the pregnancy and never recovered. I "stayed for the kid" for eight more miserable years.

I am finally divorced.

Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings toward him. I did not want to spend 18 years raising a child. I have not been able to do what I wanted because of it. I love my kid but I know I would have been happier never getting pregnant. Career trajectory stalled. I preferred my pre-baby body (it is good but will never be what it was). I don't enjoy parenting. I find some moments of joy but not nearly enough. It is a lot of sacfrice and I knew it was not something I wanted to do, especially in that particular marriage.

If she does not want kids and you want kids, you are not compatible for marriage. End of story.

This is a deal breaker. Get out now. It is not fair to either of you to compromise what you want in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

There is no splitting the difference in half/compromise. Can you be happy if you never have the opportunity to be a father? If the answer is no, does your girlfriend know that this is a dealbreaker? You didn’t know if she was downplaying things with being unsure about kids so make sure you are being clear if you want to have kids. At this point with everyone’s cards on the table, it’s not selfish no matter which side you are on (kids vs no kids) and breaking up allows each person to find love with someone that wants the same things that they want.

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

What do you mean, wtf? I was 32. I didn't want a kid. I didn't capitulate. I CHOSE. Others can choose differently.
I was in the same spot as OP's GF, and I'm advising OP to give her a choice. And let her choose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

What do you mean, wtf? I was 32. I didn't want a kid. I didn't capitulate. I CHOSE. Others can choose differently.
I was in the same spot as OP's GF, and I'm advising OP to give her a choice. And let her choose.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

Anonymous wrote:I do think that men (perhaps unknowingly) expect women to do it all. I think a lot of men really just want to marry their mothers.