Anonymous
10/23/2020 21:45
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
He’s 19. If he doesn’t want to go to college or get a job, guess what? He just got a new gig as your new housekeeper!
1) change the WiFi password
2) Stop giving him money
3) make a list of all the things that have to be done everyday, like dishes, cleaning the kitchen, making beds, laundry, etc. He gets the WiFi password AFTER these are complete. That’s the price of living at home.
4) make a list of house projects he can work on. Things like painting a room, hanging a shelf, etc. He can earn a little bit of spending money doing these — but very little — no more than $50.
You need to make it a little uncomfortable to be at home. Confiscate the video games if you have to. Consider this his gap year. He needs to get moving so he doesn’t waste more time.
1) change the WiFi password
2) Stop giving him money
3) make a list of all the things that have to be done everyday, like dishes, cleaning the kitchen, making beds, laundry, etc. He gets the WiFi password AFTER these are complete. That’s the price of living at home.
4) make a list of house projects he can work on. Things like painting a room, hanging a shelf, etc. He can earn a little bit of spending money doing these — but very little — no more than $50.
You need to make it a little uncomfortable to be at home. Confiscate the video games if you have to. Consider this his gap year. He needs to get moving so he doesn’t waste more time.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 21:32
Subject: Re:I can't keep subsidizing DS
Once out of school, you pay bills. He can live at home, but charge rent and a fee for food. If he does not like it, he can move out or go back to school. Perhaps also look into some sort of therapy to help him understand why he is stuck.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 19:52
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Hi op, the PP with similar is quite on target. I can empathize a bit ( and I say a bit) because mine is in college but he has no idea what he wants to do besides a career playing video games
Anyway, relating this as I would have been where you are. He’d not have a clue and would likely do what your son is doing. I will say mine is very compliant so we set expectations like clean up, do laundry, walk dog when home. Also, must work in summer and over breaks. Last year “I” found the internship, wrote his cover letter and resume. But he went on the interview and got the job! This year he did instacart shopper as covid but we still said you must do something.
Since mine is very compliant I can’t say that what we did would work but you definitely need to sit him down ( May need another trusted adult as well) to say this stops today. You need a daily schedule starting tomorrow. Up at x time, hygiene, then research jobs, community college, volunteering etc. then help arou d house, then outside for exercise. Any order. Only video games from 8-10 or 8- midnight. We did something like that at certain ages. Take away phone, cancel internet ( painful I know) but he has to know you are serious.
All stores hiring so he needs to apply until hired. You need to stand over him until he submits...( curious how you did not know about no college apps as you have to pay, do fasfa. You never questioned why no credit card charge for apps?)
On phone so not well written but hope you get the idea. Really wish the very best for your family.
Anyway, relating this as I would have been where you are. He’d not have a clue and would likely do what your son is doing. I will say mine is very compliant so we set expectations like clean up, do laundry, walk dog when home. Also, must work in summer and over breaks. Last year “I” found the internship, wrote his cover letter and resume. But he went on the interview and got the job! This year he did instacart shopper as covid but we still said you must do something.
Since mine is very compliant I can’t say that what we did would work but you definitely need to sit him down ( May need another trusted adult as well) to say this stops today. You need a daily schedule starting tomorrow. Up at x time, hygiene, then research jobs, community college, volunteering etc. then help arou d house, then outside for exercise. Any order. Only video games from 8-10 or 8- midnight. We did something like that at certain ages. Take away phone, cancel internet ( painful I know) but he has to know you are serious.
All stores hiring so he needs to apply until hired. You need to stand over him until he submits...( curious how you did not know about no college apps as you have to pay, do fasfa. You never questioned why no credit card charge for apps?)
On phone so not well written but hope you get the idea. Really wish the very best for your family.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 18:52
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. Have you looked at the website empoweringparents.com? That might give you some ideas on how to manage your current situation and move forward. There are also support groups in the DMV area (google failure to launch)
With our son, we finally set him up with a few career counseling sessions with a psychotherapist who also does career counseling. I screened the guy via phone and was satisfied, and then our son had an initial meeting, did a career test which was really useful, unlike the ones in high school, and did a few follow-up visits. Part of what I liked about this process was that it helped neutralize the situation for everyone. And, because it was a short-term commitment, it was easier for our son to get on board with participating. We basically said to our son, hey, you have to figure out your next step and I know it's not easy bc you have all these choices: 4-yr college, community college, trade school/apprenticeship, military, start a job, etc. I tried to make it low-key, and explain that we empathized with his situation (vs wanting to kick him out - I felt there was no upside to adding extra pressure to the process). But, I also said, "you *know* you need to choose something -- even if only temporarily" - and described how the career counselor would help him work through his options. I stressed to him that we, his parents, were totally OK with whatever he chose, and that (again) - this choice didn't have to be permanent. Later, I overheard him on his Zoom call with his counselor, and when our son was asked about how far into the future he felt he needed to plan, he answered, "age 30." !! He's not even 19 yet, so no wonder he felt a little paralyzed.
Long story short, he decided to just work for awhile. He was instantly happier, having somewhere to go each day. He also found a job in an area he was already interested in (cars), and even though it's the lowest level job, it has helped his mindset immensely, and he's learning about possible career paths. There are also 6-month software training programs in the DMV - Catalyte in Baltimore is one - that will provide a 6-month training programs for people who test well enough - no college degree required. One of my kid's friends is doing that.
This has been a tough process, as literally our entire family sees higher education as the only sane option, and they are horrified that the trend is being broken like this. But honestly, once we dropped the pressure on our kid to do something AMAZING and GREAT, he's been much more happy and motivated.
Good luck!
Best answer on this thread.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 18:49
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Well, this is a weird year given the pandemic. And I’m not sure I’d want someone living in my house doing a dangerous job like working in a restaurant or grocery store anyway. Maybe chalk this up to a lost year, but tell him he needs to come up with a good plan for next year.
It’s October. Tell him he needs to apply to school for next fall. He has to give you evidence of the applications being turned in by January. If he does not do that, he starts paying full rent and his share of the utilities starting in January. If he does not want to go to college next fall, then he needs to either move out in February or start paying you six hundred a month to cover rent and utilities. Do not subsidize him otherwise. Clear out a space in the cabinet for his own groceries that he buys himself.
Keep him on your health insurance. But tell him that as of next month, you will not pay for his phone, car insurance, car payment, toiletries, clothes, or gas.
If he doesn’t want to go to college full time, he needs to have a plan to get a job.
I’d say he needs to get a job right now, but that really depends on whether you want him going out to a job and possibly bringing covid back into your house.
It’s October. Tell him he needs to apply to school for next fall. He has to give you evidence of the applications being turned in by January. If he does not do that, he starts paying full rent and his share of the utilities starting in January. If he does not want to go to college next fall, then he needs to either move out in February or start paying you six hundred a month to cover rent and utilities. Do not subsidize him otherwise. Clear out a space in the cabinet for his own groceries that he buys himself.
Keep him on your health insurance. But tell him that as of next month, you will not pay for his phone, car insurance, car payment, toiletries, clothes, or gas.
If he doesn’t want to go to college full time, he needs to have a plan to get a job.
I’d say he needs to get a job right now, but that really depends on whether you want him going out to a job and possibly bringing covid back into your house.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 18:36
Subject: Re:I can't keep subsidizing DS
I would give him a list of local homeless shelters and a suitcase. Then I would tell him he has 30 days to find a job or he has 30 days to get transported to a homeless shelter of his choice. Give him a gentle reminder at the two week mark and then follow through.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 18:25
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
OP, I feel your pain. Have you looked at the website empoweringparents.com? That might give you some ideas on how to manage your current situation and move forward. There are also support groups in the DMV area (google failure to launch)
With our son, we finally set him up with a few career counseling sessions with a psychotherapist who also does career counseling. I screened the guy via phone and was satisfied, and then our son had an initial meeting, did a career test which was really useful, unlike the ones in high school, and did a few follow-up visits. Part of what I liked about this process was that it helped neutralize the situation for everyone. And, because it was a short-term commitment, it was easier for our son to get on board with participating. We basically said to our son, hey, you have to figure out your next step and I know it's not easy bc you have all these choices: 4-yr college, community college, trade school/apprenticeship, military, start a job, etc. I tried to make it low-key, and explain that we empathized with his situation (vs wanting to kick him out - I felt there was no upside to adding extra pressure to the process). But, I also said, "you *know* you need to choose something -- even if only temporarily" - and described how the career counselor would help him work through his options. I stressed to him that we, his parents, were totally OK with whatever he chose, and that (again) - this choice didn't have to be permanent. Later, I overheard him on his Zoom call with his counselor, and when our son was asked about how far into the future he felt he needed to plan, he answered, "age 30." !! He's not even 19 yet, so no wonder he felt a little paralyzed.
Long story short, he decided to just work for awhile. He was instantly happier, having somewhere to go each day. He also found a job in an area he was already interested in (cars), and even though it's the lowest level job, it has helped his mindset immensely, and he's learning about possible career paths. There are also 6-month software training programs in the DMV - Catalyte in Baltimore is one - that will provide a 6-month training programs for people who test well enough - no college degree required. One of my kid's friends is doing that.
This has been a tough process, as literally our entire family sees higher education as the only sane option, and they are horrified that the trend is being broken like this. But honestly, once we dropped the pressure on our kid to do something AMAZING and GREAT, he's been much more happy and motivated.
Good luck!
With our son, we finally set him up with a few career counseling sessions with a psychotherapist who also does career counseling. I screened the guy via phone and was satisfied, and then our son had an initial meeting, did a career test which was really useful, unlike the ones in high school, and did a few follow-up visits. Part of what I liked about this process was that it helped neutralize the situation for everyone. And, because it was a short-term commitment, it was easier for our son to get on board with participating. We basically said to our son, hey, you have to figure out your next step and I know it's not easy bc you have all these choices: 4-yr college, community college, trade school/apprenticeship, military, start a job, etc. I tried to make it low-key, and explain that we empathized with his situation (vs wanting to kick him out - I felt there was no upside to adding extra pressure to the process). But, I also said, "you *know* you need to choose something -- even if only temporarily" - and described how the career counselor would help him work through his options. I stressed to him that we, his parents, were totally OK with whatever he chose, and that (again) - this choice didn't have to be permanent. Later, I overheard him on his Zoom call with his counselor, and when our son was asked about how far into the future he felt he needed to plan, he answered, "age 30." !! He's not even 19 yet, so no wonder he felt a little paralyzed.
Long story short, he decided to just work for awhile. He was instantly happier, having somewhere to go each day. He also found a job in an area he was already interested in (cars), and even though it's the lowest level job, it has helped his mindset immensely, and he's learning about possible career paths. There are also 6-month software training programs in the DMV - Catalyte in Baltimore is one - that will provide a 6-month training programs for people who test well enough - no college degree required. One of my kid's friends is doing that.
This has been a tough process, as literally our entire family sees higher education as the only sane option, and they are horrified that the trend is being broken like this. But honestly, once we dropped the pressure on our kid to do something AMAZING and GREAT, he's been much more happy and motivated.
Good luck!
Anonymous
10/23/2020 18:01
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
I agree that it is time he makes an effort. Either school, work, or a combination of the two.
There's an article in the Post today about the demand for new appliance technicians. Perhaps that's something he'd enjoy!
There's an article in the Post today about the demand for new appliance technicians. Perhaps that's something he'd enjoy!
Anonymous
10/23/2020 17:48
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old son refuses to look for a job and he doesn’t want to go to college. Should I continue supporting him or make him leave the house?
He had a 3.75 GPA out of high school, and yet he refused to apply to any university. If he wanted to, he probably could have gotten into Harvard, Yale, Princeton, UVA or any school that he wanted to.
Instead he sits around all day, playing video games, talking on Snapchat and just being lazy. He refuses to work and is generally starting to get on all of our nerves (Covid-19 made it worse with the quartining).
so where do we go from here? What is the end game and should we just cut all ties and kick him out or be mindful and continue to support him?
I would do baby steps. If he doesn't go to college than he has to get a job. If he gets a job than he can live with us for X period ( one year or whatever you think) and then he has to move out. He can't just do nothing all day.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 17:24
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Kick him out! You’re making it far too easy for him to rely on your “subsidizing”. Does he even pay rent? Who cares about Yale pipe dreams, he’s a loser, I’m sorry. I’m a woman who started paying $20 in rent a week the July I turned 18. This grown ass man can’t do that? You must be so proud of yourself, OP.
Dp. This is really harsh.
+1 Sheesh. Why must you be cruel while giving your opinion?
Anonymous
10/23/2020 17:00
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
What I don't see in most of these responses is any kind of empathy. OP have you really sat down and talked with your son about what is going on and why he is so unmotivated? I agree with the other poster that depression may be an issue. It is hard growing up here especially if you don't or can't follow the expected path. I'd try to spend more time with him to see if you can get him to open up. I would not kick my kid out in the middle of a pandemic. WTH is wrong with you people? You don't magically turn into a fully functioning adult at age 18, y'all kick them out like this is foster care.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 16:38
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old son refuses to look for a job and he doesn’t want to go to college. Should I continue supporting him or make him leave the house?
He had a 3.75 GPA out of high school, and yet he refused to apply to any university. If he wanted to, he probably could have gotten into Harvard, Yale, Princeton, UVA or any school that he wanted to.
Instead he sits around all day, playing video games, talking on Snapchat and just being lazy. He refuses to work and is generally starting to get on all of our nerves (Covid-19 made it worse with the quartining).
so where do we go from here? What is the end game and should we just cut all ties and kick him out or be mindful and continue to support him?
Ummm. No. He had no chance of an Ivy with that GPA.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 16:24
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Charge him the fair market value of his living situation.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 16:07
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sorry to burst your bubble but he wasn't getting into any school he wanted with a GPA of 3.75. Sit down with him and tell him he gets a job, joins the military, or you sit down together and have him apply to a community college.
Just stop.
There is nothing wrong with a 3.75 gpa. His mother is right to be proud of that.
For some reason he is not moving onto adulthood that is a different issue. While yes I think she should tell him job, military or out.
New poster- honestly maybe OPs view of his grades/ achievements was part of the problem. Because previous poster was harsh but correct- he wasn’t going to Harvard or Yale on a 3.75 gpa. Maybe OP was telling him all year that’s where he belonged and needed to strive towards- and he knew that mom was off base. And now here he is, stuck, because he didn’t have the heart or the balls or whatever to tell mom he was applying to Virginia Tech and JMU, not Harvard and Yale. He refused to apply to college (moms choices of colleges for him!) because he knew he would be rejected and didn’t want to face that or have mom face that. Possibility?
It doesn't matter, because it has nothing to do with what's going on now. I'd give him 30 days to find employment (even during the pandemic, there are lots of places hiring like retail) or he's out of the house. Then I'd starting charging him some rent. 90 days after he find a job he pays for his own phone. Hopefully he's already paying for all his video game stuff. If not, cut that off ASAP.
Anonymous
10/23/2020 15:55
Subject: I can't keep subsidizing DS
NP. My take is similar to a couple of PPs - you do sound like you have unrealistic expectations of what your son was capable of, and he probably knew that and didn't want to disappoint you.