Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound really sweet. My DH works out *all* the time. I don’t enjoy it as much but I know it’s important for my health and to him so I make an effort. It took me a long time to find a work-out that I enjoy. It’s expensive (personal trainer) so we throw money at it (we spend next to nothing on DH’s fitness and lots on mine even though he works out more). I now work out 3x/week and I found a trainer who isn’t super intense as I really didn’t enjoy having someone yell at me to do “just five more.” DH would also offer to stay with the kids *anytime* I wanted to workout - so I felt when the kids were little that working out was a guilt free way to get a bit of a break.

It took a lot of gentle encouragement over several years from DH for me to finally get into a good routine. But I also never had a weight issue - so the encouragement never had a self-esteem busting time to it. Good luck!

Thank you. This post gives mr some hope. In fact, a couple days ago my wife mentioned that there was a Barre fitness nearby that she wanted to try. I had to ask her what it was, but when she told me I wasn't surprised she was interested. She's pretty flexible, so it's something she'd start off with an advantage. That will make her a lot more confident, which is important.

I want her to be fit, but only if she can find something she enjoys. I hate the gym and would be miserable if that was my only option for fitness. Some people enjoy it, but it's just not my thing. So I don't want that for her either. I am more than happy for us to spend the money on classes. Investments in health are very important, especially as we approach a critical age.

Girls should play lots of sports in their youth. Playing soccer as a girl, and eventually on a very competitive team, in HS and college gave me a love of fitness and discipline. When I ended soccer, I took up marathon running and weight lifting. As I aged, Spinning, Pilates, boot camps. I was always comfortable in a gym. I was a STEM major and work in a science field. Team sports for a girl lend a confidence that follows them their entire life.

If you have kids, stress family fitness. It’s not an option. Daily exercise becomes just something you do, like brushing your teeth. I married somebody who also values fitness. You feel so much better as you age—and look better too.

You lose it, if you don’t use it.

OP, you sound really sweet. My DH works out *all* the time. I don’t enjoy it as much but I know it’s important for my health and to him so I make an effort. It took me a long time to find a work-out that I enjoy. It’s expensive (personal trainer) so we throw money at it (we spend next to nothing on DH’s fitness and lots on mine even though he works out more). I now work out 3x/week and I found a trainer who isn’t super intense as I really didn’t enjoy having someone yell at me to do “just five more.” DH would also offer to stay with the kids *anytime* I wanted to workout - so I felt when the kids were little that working out was a guilt free way to get a bit of a break.

It took a lot of gentle encouragement over several years from DH for me to finally get into a good routine. But I also never had a weight issue - so the encouragement never had a self-esteem busting time to it. Good luck!

I was always the fat one, and in our youth my wife used to be slim. Age, health and life has really had an impact on her, and now... the difference between us has diminished, although I'm still fatter. The reason I am writing this is... that the change she has gone through has also changed her understanding about weight and health. It's not always a simple case of laziness as some people seem to suggest. If you want to be supportive of your partner, and not simply critical of them, then change your mindset into helping, listening and if possible - understanding. That might help them get into shape, but it might not. In either situation... it will probably be much better for your relationship than simply trying to get them into shape (which hardly ever works out anyways...).

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Anonymous wrote:Guy here. If its a wife that is the low fitness spouse you can’t change it. Asking them to take better care of themselves will only lead to self esteem issues and never really move the needle. Women get fit for themselves first - she has to want it and enjoy the process. My ex-wife put on 60 lbs in her 20’s (we never had kids). I tried every way that I could to be a good example. Ultimately, she had other issues - she was a serial cheater and was becoming an alcaholic. We got divorced.

When I started dating again, being with someone that I was attracted to and who was enjoyed fitness was one of the higher things on my list. I’ve been remarried 17 years now and we both make time for each other to stay fit.

If the low fitness spouse is a man, tell that fat-f*ck to dust the cookie crumbs off his t*ts and hit the gym - you can’t f him any more.

Low fitness spouse still doesn't do anything. It's a shame, because he was attractive.

My ex was a beautiful woman too - dark curly hair, green eyes, big lips and a pretty smile. It was really sad to watch her let herself go and fall into alcoholism.

And what are you doing to help her?

As the spouse who “fell” into alcoholism, let me tell you, my spouse still doesn’t give a f*ck about me. I get up before everyone else to exercise. He exercises while I clean up after making dinner, and While I’m do nighttime routine/put DD to bed. I’m glad I figured out that not everyone’s spouse supports them, and I would die waiting for help. I’m drowning now, but in a different way. At least I know what he really thinks.

I’m sure he likes me more now, but I despise him.

I divorced her after multiple affairs.

Super admirable. Wonder why she drank with you?

I’m not sure, but her family was rife with alcoholism so maybe she had a genetic predisposition? Also, she lived life to excess with everything - eating, drinking, spending, cheating. Its obvious that I didn’t make her happy but I patched things together and tried to make it work for 9 years. After the 2nd major affair I was done trying to hold it all together. After the marriage ended, I found out about another 4-5 guys that she had cheated on me with. In the divorce, I paid off her car which had been repo’d, gave her whatever she wanted (we didn’t even hire attorneys) and we parted ways on good terms. I was sad but at the same time I was SO relieved to no longer be responsible for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. If its a wife that is the low fitness spouse you can’t change it. Asking them to take better care of themselves will only lead to self esteem issues and never really move the needle. Women get fit for themselves first - she has to want it and enjoy the process. My ex-wife put on 60 lbs in her 20’s (we never had kids). I tried every way that I could to be a good example. Ultimately, she had other issues - she was a serial cheater and was becoming an alcaholic. We got divorced.

When I started dating again, being with someone that I was attracted to and who was enjoyed fitness was one of the higher things on my list. I’ve been remarried 17 years now and we both make time for each other to stay fit.

If the low fitness spouse is a man, tell that fat-f*ck to dust the cookie crumbs off his t*ts and hit the gym - you can’t f him any more.

I think a spouse can be a motivator or inhibitor to their partners fitness level. Positive reinforcement works wonders. Also acting like you don’t care can be a detriment. I lost 40 lbs and my husband doesn’t seem to care either way. I really wanted to be more attractive for him and myself. I definitely get more male attention in general now. I really wish DH would notice or tell me I look good. He says he loves me both ways. I was exercising really hard, and I’ve backed off. If he doesn’t care what I look like, why should I?

Agree. I lost about 20 pounds 6 years ago, and DH never commented. No, that's not true. He didn't like that I'd lost the weight and I think was actively trying to sabotage by buying chocolate and treats. But I DO care what I look like an how my pants fit. I stay fit for myself. My DH clearly doesn't care what he looks like.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody got off the couch for anyone but themselves.

This is who she is. She's not as active as you like, nor as fit as you like, and she's fine with that.

How much of a priority is it to you? Only you know the answer. I have some friends who are very active and it's one of the top traits they looked for in a spouse. I get it. It's a compatibility issue. You either take her for who she is, or you decide you want out. That's really the only thing in your control.

OP here. It was not a make or break issue when we got together, so it isn't now either. Actually, I would have said it was a dealbreaker for me if you had asked me prior to meeting DW,
but I couldn't imagine my life without her once I met her. I can accept it if that ends up being the only option, but also feel it's worth a try. I see her being frustrated about the weight but despite my support, she doesn't seem to commit to any type of behavior change long-term which would fix the issue. It confuses me.

Who you married is who you get. This is the male equivalent of "I can change him."

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Anonymous wrote:Guy here. If its a wife that is the low fitness spouse you can’t change it. Asking them to take better care of themselves will only lead to self esteem issues and never really move the needle. Women get fit for themselves first - she has to want it and enjoy the process. My ex-wife put on 60 lbs in her 20’s (we never had kids). I tried every way that I could to be a good example. Ultimately, she had other issues - she was a serial cheater and was becoming an alcaholic. We got divorced.

When I started dating again, being with someone that I was attracted to and who was enjoyed fitness was one of the higher things on my list. I’ve been remarried 17 years now and we both make time for each other to stay fit.

If the low fitness spouse is a man, tell that fat-f*ck to dust the cookie crumbs off his t*ts and hit the gym - you can’t f him any more.

I think a spouse can be a motivator or inhibitor to their partners fitness level. Positive reinforcement works wonders. Also acting like you don’t care can be a detriment. I lost 40 lbs and my husband doesn’t seem to care either way. I really wanted to be more attractive for him and myself. I definitely get more male attention in general now. I really wish DH would notice or tell me I look good. He says he loves me both ways. I was exercising really hard, and I’ve backed off. If he doesn’t care what I look like, why should I?

I felt the opposite. This was something I was doing on my own, and he wasn’t really part of it. I don’t really appreciate his constant judgement of my food, my clothes, whether or not I take a walk, what time I go to bed, etc. Even if the judgement is positive, it feels intrusive.

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Anonymous wrote:Guy here. If its a wife that is the low fitness spouse you can’t change it. Asking them to take better care of themselves will only lead to self esteem issues and never really move the needle. Women get fit for themselves first - she has to want it and enjoy the process. My ex-wife put on 60 lbs in her 20’s (we never had kids). I tried every way that I could to be a good example. Ultimately, she had other issues - she was a serial cheater and was becoming an alcaholic. We got divorced.

When I started dating again, being with someone that I was attracted to and who was enjoyed fitness was one of the higher things on my list. I’ve been remarried 17 years now and we both make time for each other to stay fit.

If the low fitness spouse is a man, tell that fat-f*ck to dust the cookie crumbs off his t*ts and hit the gym - you can’t f him any more.

I think a spouse can be a motivator or inhibitor to their partners fitness level. Positive reinforcement works wonders. Also acting like you don’t care can be a detriment. I lost 40 lbs and my husband doesn’t seem to care either way. I really wanted to be more attractive for him and myself. I definitely get more male attention in general now. I really wish DH would notice or tell me I look good. He says he loves me both ways. I was exercising really hard, and I’ve backed off. If he doesn’t care what I look like, why should I?

OP again. I definitely show that I care about it when she makes progress, both intentionally and unintentionally. I'm not an affectionate person by nature, but she is so I make an effort to show affection no matter how she looks. But I know when she was in shape I was much more "hands on". I also praised her for her commitment to acconplishing her goals and that I was proud of her detetmination.

Anonymous wrote:Nobody got off the couch for anyone but themselves.

This is who she is. She's not as active as you like, nor as fit as you like, and she's fine with that.

How much of a priority is it to you? Only you know the answer. I have some friends who are very active and it's one of the top traits they looked for in a spouse. I get it. It's a compatibility issue. You either take her for who she is, or you decide you want out. That's really the only thing in your control.

OP here. It was not a make or break issue when we got together, so it isn't now either. Actually, I would have said it was a dealbreaker for me if you had asked me prior to meeting DW,
but I couldn't imagine my life without her once I met her. I can accept it if that ends up being the only option, but also feel it's worth a try. I see her being frustrated about the weight but despite my support, she doesn't seem to commit to any type of behavior change long-term which would fix the issue. It confuses me.

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. If its a wife that is the low fitness spouse you can’t change it. Asking them to take better care of themselves will only lead to self esteem issues and never really move the needle. Women get fit for themselves first - she has to want it and enjoy the process. My ex-wife put on 60 lbs in her 20’s (we never had kids). I tried every way that I could to be a good example. Ultimately, she had other issues - she was a serial cheater and was becoming an alcaholic. We got divorced.

When I started dating again, being with someone that I was attracted to and who was enjoyed fitness was one of the higher things on my list. I’ve been remarried 17 years now and we both make time for each other to stay fit.

If the low fitness spouse is a man, tell that fat-f*ck to dust the cookie crumbs off his t*ts and hit the gym - you can’t f him any more.

I think a spouse can be a motivator or inhibitor to their partners fitness level. Positive reinforcement works wonders. Also acting like you don’t care can be a detriment. I lost 40 lbs and my husband doesn’t seem to care either way. I really wanted to be more attractive for him and myself. I definitely get more male attention in general now. I really wish DH would notice or tell me I look good. He says he loves me both ways. I was exercising really hard, and I’ve backed off. If he doesn’t care what I look like, why should I?

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the word “fitness” this many times in a conversation IRL.

OP seems really into himself and wants the hot thin wife to match.

All men want a hot thin wife. High "value" men (income/status/looks/fitness) generally expect this.
Frustration and marital instability comes when the wife does not play along.

Well, she wasn’t hot and thin when he married her, so I’m guessing he isn’t “high value.” She probably looked average for her age, but the yrs have piled on. I guess because he has many “fitness achievements” now and notices he may look better than other middle aged men with hotter wives than his, he thinks he deserves the wife.

If he were “high value” he wouldn’t have a sloth wife in the first place.

Well, my wife is a bit of a bargain shopper so that would make sense.

Lol, that’s funny. NP

good luck. You're not in the wrong though. Apart from working out and staying active likely making your spouse more physically attractive, it's just essential for your health. Female here, my DH is in shape & works out frequently, if he just let him self go per say, I don't think I would care if he got fat or changed physically, to me it would really bother me the lack of prioritization for his health. So many things can go wrong in our lives health wise while being in shape and healthy, why would you do anything to try to hinder that? I would like to be active and grow old with someone as long as possible.

I would really try to avoid any indication of her changes in physical appearance, can you broach the topic like you would love to spend time with her if she joined you in the physical activities? Or can you say you're concerned about both your health as you age and think you can make healthier choices together (whatever emphasizing prioritizing workout routine, walks, healthy choices etc?

Good luck OP!!

DH and I are very into fitness. I would be grossed out if he was not.

Nobody got off the couch for anyone but themselves.

This is who she is. She's not as active as you like, nor as fit as you like, and she's fine with that.

How much of a priority is it to you? Only you know the answer. I have some friends who are very active and it's one of the top traits they looked for in a spouse. I get it. It's a compatibility issue. You either take her for who she is, or you decide you want out. That's really the only thing in your control.