Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:37     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:

Can you elaborate EXACTLY what is wrong with what you DH is doing? You go into your office and keep working for your 10 hr stints.

What happens? Do the kids go hungry? Is the house on fire? Are kids sticking forks in light sockets?

Yes when you are done working you will likely have to help out your DH, just like working DH come home and pitch in with a SAHM.

But let’s look at the deficits while DH is in charge concretely and try to shape those.


I didn't say anything is WRONG or that I am not helping. I said I am overwhelmed.

I wake up at 6:30 so I can get a shower before the kids wake up. DH wants help from me at mealtimes so I AM helping and I do not "shut myself in my office" for 10 hour stints. I help with the kids from when they wake up until 8:30, then go to my office. I take breaks for nusing/pumping depending on how my calls are going that day. Usually in the morning is when the baby takes his "good" nap so DH will try to run necessary errands or go to his doctor's appointments then if possible. But the baby doesn't always take a good nap, or go down easy, or he wakes up early. I take a break for lunch instead of working through it because DH says that is a time he is overwhelmed with kid things and needs help. I stop work at 5:30 so DH can make dinner while I watch the kids. We eat. We put the kids to bed from 7-8 or 8:30. I log back on. I work until whenever I collapse out of exhaustion. I do it again the next day. For months and months and months. On the weekends, he wants a break from watching the kids all the time, so I try to give him that. I sneak in work during their naps and before they wake up and after they go to bed. I'm constantly falling behind at work despite feeling like all I do is work. I'm exhausted.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:34     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^ Also the PPs trying to suggest your hours are not high are nuts. Non billable hours are significant, especially the more senior you get. My DH bilked the most as a mid-love associate but bills far, far, far less as a partner, because he spends so much time on client development. “Billable hours” is not a good shorthand for precisely how much someone is working. Everyone replying should take at face value OPs claim that she is drowning.


I think most everyone can see that, except for a couple of lawyer-types who think working 60 hour weeks is slacking it.


But "lawyer-types" are the ones who can most accurately comment on what is considered working all the time at a law firm. Non-billable work can be substantial, but it is still true that at many firms most lawyers (at least associates) will bill more, often a lot more, than 2,100 hours.

Having all of these non-lawyers comment on whether OP's hours are a lot for law firms isn't that useful.


What difference does it make that she happens to work at a law firm? The whole point is that she works alot, not who her employer is. It means that she has very little time to deal with the children and the house, let alone reserve any time to take care of herself. The fact that its SOP for lawyers doesn't change her reality.


It does matter because one potential option for her to improve her current situation would be to work less. Depending on where she works, working less is a more or less viable option. Firms generally have greater work expectations and some firms expect far more than others.

If she is working at a place where 2,100 billable is par for the course, she probably can't go to the firm and explain her situation and ask for a reprieve. If she is working more than normal at her current employer, there is a better chance that her firm would allow her to scale back some, especially with what is going on now.

If she can't reduce her workload, then she will have to exclusively focus on outside help/DH stepping up. But if it can be a combo of the three, she will be best off.


You'll note that no one has suggested she try to work less. Everyone pretty much understands if that were an option she'd have taken it already.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:33     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
You know how when there is a serious injury the body reacts by sending all the blood to the vital organs because that is what matters most and what is needed to keep you going? That's the situation you are in. I know a lot of people are bashing your husband but the reality is that you cannot control another person so sure ask him to step up but if he doesn't then you have to think about what YOU can do.

First I would let go of ideas of how things used to be done or how they should be done. Right now, good enough is good enough. So if the baby isn't bathed every day it is fine. If the floors aren't mopped as frequently as you like, fine. If you are dressing the children in wrinkled clothes that now live on the sofa, totally fine.

Order in more meals and use paper plates to save on clean up.

Put any and all energy into things you can realistically change and just let go of those that you cannot. Meditate - it works and it helps, it really truly does, even 10 mins a day. Try to shift your mindset to focus on what you have not what you lack. When you spend time looking for the good, you often find a lot of it. I know it is hard and it all seems impossible but it isn't. Deep breaths. You can do this.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:28     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.


OP, I really feel for you and agree with many others that something has got to change. Weaning is the first and most obvious, but I think what you say here is pretty telling. Your DH doesn't think you "need" a house cleaner and dimes to dollars he's taking COVID as a convenient excuse. Sure, part of him may actually believe it's risky, but as others have mentioned that risk is minimal - and if he were really that concerned there's no way he'd be accepting your kid going to daycare every other week. Gee, what's the difference... oh, right. One would ease your workload, while the other eases HIS.

Get a house cleaner. Nothing says your DH gets sole veto power over this and you desperately need it. Just do it and he can suck it up, since he's not bothering to handle it otherwise on his own. Sometimes one person in the household has to make a unilateral decision for everyone's good. Just pretend you are your DH, ha. And while you are at it, bring in at least part-time help for the kids if you can, a nanny or even a mother's helper of some kind. Anything to ease the stress on you. You're suffering to no good end here and it doesn't have to be that way. Sending you lots of good wishes (and your DH too, seriously. I hope his injury gets better and he finds work soon).


If her DH is really worried about getting COVID, he probably has reason to be especially with all doctors visits.

Overriding that will definitely be a crisis when they catch COVID (and a part time housekeeper eventually will leave the virus at your house).
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:27     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
I think it’s time to wean. I’ve found my mental health improved and I get SO much time back when I weaned my kids. Right now you’re short on time so the benefit of time outweighs breastmilk for a baby who is over 6 months.

Bring back housekeeper. We started a couple months ago (they wear masks and we go outside). I no longer have to stay up until midnight to get household chores done.

Start using a to do list app (our family uses ToDoIst). Sit down with DH and create various lists of tasks that need to get done. We have recurring chores, family-related tasks, house projects, etc. Assign a few items to you both each day. Something reasonable to manage. He should get more because he isn’t working. There is then an expectation that those get done. If a stray item or two doesn’t get done, it should be made up on the weekend.

Keep meal planning ridiculously simple. Like 10-12 mindless meals with a sporadic take out night or two to mix things up. Quesadilla night. Rotisserie chicken and bagged salad. Keep basic items stocked and plan a weekly grocery delivery with perishables as needed.

I feel your pain OP. We have 2 kids 5 and under, so are managing virtual K, a toddler, and two full time jobs. We have a part time sitter finally. It’s hard. I also want to cry some days and then remember I’m part of the lucky ones. And so we just keep muddling through.

Try to find time to journal or do a yoga video at home. DH and I have been prioritizing giving each other breaks here and there.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:26     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.


I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.


OP, something has to give. Right now you're making all the sacrifices in terms of your mental health. I get that COVID is concerning, but assuming you live here in the DC area, you guys should take comfort in the fact that this area generally has low spread right now. If you're dh can't step up in terms of childcare and house management, you need to bring in more help. Pretend I'm an old friend. I'm telling you I don't care what your dh thinks right now. You need help, and his anxiety about covid can't be what stops you from getting that help. Changes have to happen. Get cleaners, get childcare help.


Can you elaborate EXACTLY what is wrong with what you DH is doing? You go into your office and keep working for your 10 hr stints.

What happens? Do the kids go hungry? Is the house on fire? Are kids sticking forks in light sockets?

Yes when you are done working you will likely have to help out your DH, just like working DH come home and pitch in with a SAHM.

But let’s look at the deficits while DH is in charge concretely and try to shape those.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:26     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.


OP, I really feel for you and agree with many others that something has got to change. Weaning is the first and most obvious, but I think what you say here is pretty telling. Your DH doesn't think you "need" a house cleaner and dimes to dollars he's taking COVID as a convenient excuse. Sure, part of him may actually believe it's risky, but as others have mentioned that risk is minimal - and if he were really that concerned there's no way he'd be accepting your kid going to daycare every other week. Gee, what's the difference... oh, right. One would ease your workload, while the other eases HIS.

Get a house cleaner. Nothing says your DH gets sole veto power over this and you desperately need it. Just do it and he can suck it up, since he's not bothering to handle it otherwise on his own. Sometimes one person in the household has to make a unilateral decision for everyone's good. Just pretend you are your DH, ha. And while you are at it, bring in at least part-time help for the kids if you can, a nanny or even a mother's helper of some kind. Anything to ease the stress on you. You're suffering to no good end here and it doesn't have to be that way. Sending you lots of good wishes (and your DH too, seriously. I hope his injury gets better and he finds work soon).
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:24     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^ Also the PPs trying to suggest your hours are not high are nuts. Non billable hours are significant, especially the more senior you get. My DH bilked the most as a mid-love associate but bills far, far, far less as a partner, because he spends so much time on client development. “Billable hours” is not a good shorthand for precisely how much someone is working. Everyone replying should take at face value OPs claim that she is drowning.


I think most everyone can see that, except for a couple of lawyer-types who think working 60 hour weeks is slacking it.


But "lawyer-types" are the ones who can most accurately comment on what is considered working all the time at a law firm. Non-billable work can be substantial, but it is still true that at many firms most lawyers (at least associates) will bill more, often a lot more, than 2,100 hours.

Having all of these non-lawyers comment on whether OP's hours are a lot for law firms isn't that useful.


What difference does it make that she happens to work at a law firm? The whole point is that she works alot, not who her employer is. It means that she has very little time to deal with the children and the house, let alone reserve any time to take care of herself. The fact that its SOP for lawyers doesn't change her reality.


It does matter because one potential option for her to improve her current situation would be to work less. Depending on where she works, working less is a more or less viable option. Firms generally have greater work expectations and some firms expect far more than others.

If she is working at a place where 2,100 billable is par for the course, she probably can't go to the firm and explain her situation and ask for a reprieve. If she is working more than normal at her current employer, there is a better chance that her firm would allow her to scale back some, especially with what is going on now.

If she can't reduce her workload, then she will have to exclusively focus on outside help/DH stepping up. But if it can be a combo of the three, she will be best off.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:24     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
I agree with bringing back the housecleaners twice a month.

Also, find someone to help with child care on the weeks your older child is home. Doesn't have to be a nanny, a college kid or someone you can pay for just a few hours per day will be fine.

And, DH can only schedule doctor appointments on the weeks older child is in school. And, he should go grocery shopping with the younger one when the older one is in school. If you need someone more than twice a month, do delivery or grocery pick up.

Find some out of the house activities for DH to do with both kids - pumpkin patch, playgrounds, stick them in a stroller and walk, etc. There are ways to be safe and also not go crazy.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:17     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to hire help.

I SAH with similar aged kids, and DH bills at least what you do. I’d say I’m great at chores (unlike your DH) but honestly some babies are easy to take care of while doing housework and others really aren’t. I also have health issues that require far too many doctors visits and my DH will stay with the baby while I go. It’s hard on him, and it’s something we used to hire a babysitter for, but we don’t want to in covid.

The thing is, a babysitter or nanny fully exposes you, covid wise. A housekeeper does not. We have a housekeeper come two days per week and we simply go to a different level of the house that she’s on. She cleans and does laundry, and wears a mask. We also order all our groceries online right now - I think your DH is right that it’s not worth taking a baby to the store - and when things are stressful with baby we order delivery meals as well.

If your DH isn’t super excited about looking for a job he needs to take on more of the SAH role, but he has to be given some leeway to outsource. There are ways that can be done relatively safely.

Sorry OP. Times are rough.


I am the OP - Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like we are in similar places in a lot of ways. Taking the baby to the store just seems too risky - we can suit up the older kiddo in a mask and face shield but not the little guy. A baby sitter a couple times a week would be ideal, but I feel like finding someone part-time with the same level of covid-aversion that we have that is willing to not work with any other families just seems like an unreasonable ask. I feel like its all or nothing. We don't really want to go all-in with a nanny because even the little bit of school my older kid has been going to has been so good for him. He has missed daycare and other kids so much.

He is the one most opposed to outsourcing, and it is because of the COVID risk and not the money. He has always hated having housekeepers, and at best I could only convince him in pre-covid times to have them come every other month. But then he doesn't do "his" chores and has a high tolerance for mess, and I have a lower mess tolerance, so I have the brunt of the anxiety around a messy house. I'm just breaking down today. I've been working all my weekends and haven't had a day off in eons, and I'm can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

I wanted to go back to work part-time after the second kid, but then my firm cut salaries and without reliable child care we don't feel like my husband can look for a job yet. It has just all been so much with no end in sight and I'm so worried that winter will just make virus spread worse and reduce our options even further.


OP, something has to give. Right now you're making all the sacrifices in terms of your mental health. I get that COVID is concerning, but assuming you live here in the DC area, you guys should take comfort in the fact that this area generally has low spread right now. If you're dh can't step up in terms of childcare and house management, you need to bring in more help. Pretend I'm an old friend. I'm telling you I don't care what your dh thinks right now. You need help, and his anxiety about covid can't be what stops you from getting that help. Changes have to happen. Get cleaners, get childcare help.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:12     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Yes, you have a DH problem. But getting your DH onboard may be more effort than reward.

1) yes, stop nursing.
2) Hire a nanny or housekeeper.
3) Get DH to get a job.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:12     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Is there anyway you can go to the office a few days a week? If you've got a space with a door, just go in and put in 3 12 hours days. Then you can put in the other 4+ hours on the two others from home.

Or, go to the parking lot of a library. Lots of libraries are allowing patrons to use their wifi from the parking lot.

Your DH won't step up unless forced. Let the circumstances force it.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:12     Subject: Cannot do COVID anymore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:^ Also the PPs trying to suggest your hours are not high are nuts. Non billable hours are significant, especially the more senior you get. My DH bilked the most as a mid-love associate but bills far, far, far less as a partner, because he spends so much time on client development. “Billable hours” is not a good shorthand for precisely how much someone is working. Everyone replying should take at face value OPs claim that she is drowning.


I think most everyone can see that, except for a couple of lawyer-types who think working 60 hour weeks is slacking it.


But "lawyer-types" are the ones who can most accurately comment on what is considered working all the time at a law firm. Non-billable work can be substantial, but it is still true that at many firms most lawyers (at least associates) will bill more, often a lot more, than 2,100 hours.

Having all of these non-lawyers comment on whether OP's hours are a lot for law firms isn't that useful.


What difference does it make that she happens to work at a law firm? The whole point is that she works alot, not who her employer is. It means that she has very little time to deal with the children and the house, let alone reserve any time to take care of herself. The fact that its SOP for lawyers doesn't change her reality.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:11     Subject: Re:Cannot do COVID anymore
OP people have given good suggestions. You and DH can’t have it all, hire a nanny and a house keeper. Have the house keeper mask up. Get DH back to work and stop breastfeeding and go to formula. The baby is old enough.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:10     Subject: Re:Cannot do COVID anymore
OMG I feel for you--big law sucks for moms, especially if you have a typical DH who cannot seem to learn how to take care of house and babies. As if that takes two XX chromosomes. This will get better, but not soon. COVID will last more than another year, and your kids will not be in full time school for years. DO get screened for PPD, as others have suggested. I had a toddler when I gave birth to twins and wound up with an overwhelming household situation (and i was sahm) and then PPD when twins were about ten weeks old. Solved those shortterm problems with money by buying help--baby nurse for ten weeks, and eventually au pairs. Also weekly housecleaner.

I did big law three times before I had kids--in NY, LA, and DC. IMHO, its no way to live. Unless you have a more or less "traditional wife" who takes care of your life.

sorry for your angst. Wish I knew you since I would come take care of babies while you went to a spa or something. my three are teenagers-- and somehow as of this week they are all back at school, in person!