Anonymous wrote:I know I have a cold and distant mother. I have no memories of her hugging me beyond my toddler years or giving me any basic praise ex) great job after a sporting event or grades etc. I was always met with blank stares or annoyance. I don’t even remember a hug or acknowledgement after my HS or college graduations. However I do have so many memories of my mom smothering my brother with praise and affection. Now as I’m in 40’s I feel very uncomfortable when my mom tried to hug me and her acknowledgements feel insincere. Now that I’m a mother I realize how this was not normal. I give my kids countless hugs a day and are always snuggling.

I treat motherhood as a chance to redo everything. It helps me as well as my children.

Anonymous wrote:To those women who had cold and distant fathers: is it true that that causes promiscuity and love seeking in the college years? That was the old saying among college guys when I went to school. Recognize now of course it wasn’t kind. But they used to say “she had a cold and distant father” as code for she gave it up easily.

Um, I can’t tell if this is a troll answer or if you have just failed to ask a question about attachment with compassion. Insecure attachment with care givers can lead to several types of attachment disorders. Sometimes kids in the same families will have different ones, despite the same parental treatment. One could have insecure avoidant behavior- wanting to prove that people love them, clingy, quick to love, jealous, etc. these types frequently look for relationships and move on quickly to new ones when they end. Basically “love me love me.” Or you could be dismissive avoidant - “I don’t need you or anyone. I’m fine on my own. I made it this far, see?” You can have “normal” relationships still of course but those are the under currents.

- kid of parents who were emotionally distant and ultimately neglectful, despite providing for all of our physical needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another vote for none.

I think parenting was just different before. Kids were expected to be self-reliant, not coddled, not praised for every little thing. It's why we have adults now who don't know the meaning of hard work and expect to be praised for everything, including a job done badly.

So like...I don’t get this whole “hard work” thing.

The longest lived and healthiest people in the world don’t work hard. They have plenty of time for relaxation and socialization. They support each other and don’t demand everyone give every last drop they have towards “work”.

Personally, I’ve been way more productive since I gave up on busting my butt to make money for other people, and instead gave myself plenty of time to rest and recharge.

I’ve managed younger people who wanted praise, so I gave it to them. I showed appreciation and understanding. It took almost zero effort on my end, they were happier and better workers, we had stronger relationships. I certainly don’t want the people under me to be stressed out or feel unappreciated.

I kinda feel like this whole idea of “hard work” was made up by a few people at the top to justify exploiting their workers. It’s not a natural state for humans to be constantly working.

Totally agree. It’s like in the old days people used to train dogs by hitting them or other punishments. We learned only praise is all you need. All the best trainers use on positive reinforcement.

I had all positive reinforcement growing up.

To those women who had cold and distant fathers: is it true that that causes promiscuity and love seeking in the college years? That was the old saying among college guys when I went to school. Recognize now of course it wasn’t kind. But they used to say “she had a cold and distant father” as code for she gave it up easily.

My kids refer to my mother as 'the wire mother'. They read about that study about the monkeys and were like "Oh, now we understand why you're so weird' Cold, distant, felt like you were bothering her if you talked to her. Recently I learned about dysthymia and I think this is what she has.

My mom hugged on my brother a lot but not me. My dad didn't hug anyone.

Anonymous wrote:My parents always said they would give me something to cry about, if I was upset about something. I think my mother was maybe depressed or something. She came from a stiff upper lip British family and my father came from a physically and emotionally abusive family.

Ha! My parents used this one, as well.

Anonymous wrote:Not much that I remember.

I saw this post the other day and it made me think of the juxtapositions between the cruel/cold/hard parents and the loving/warm/proud parents:

Y'all REFUSE to be a safe haven for your children on some " the real world won't coddle them" bullsh*t. Of course it wont, that's why they need to learn what love looks like so they can recognize when they're being treated badly. Dont normalize pain and disappointment".

As a f/u to that post, someone responded: "These types of parents usually are their child(ren)'s first bully(ies)."

Yes! Such wise words!

Anonymous wrote:Very little from my mom. She was always preoccupied. My dad gave more praise, and took us to do fun things....movies, ice skating, ice cream cones.

I was going to say “me too!!!” And then I remembered I was the one wrote this 😆

I never got hugs and it seems weird now. I was told I was difficult by my mother and my father called me a bit*h. I'm not that close to them.

Agree with PP that parenting was different. We weren’t in as many activities before HS so there weren’t games/ events every weekend for 18 years to make any comment. There was not too much said re: ‘great job’ or even ‘I love you’ but we somehow knew that was the case. Just 2 functioning adults taking care of their cubs. It worked.

Anonymous wrote:Not much. My mom would say "I love you" but she wasn't big on affection. She rarely told us she was proud of us or that we did a good job. She had high expectations and was pretty critical. Her parents were the same way. I know she loved me and was proud of me, just not sure why she couldn't tell me.

I’m sorry to all the posters on here that feel this way. I am sure it is upsetting to reflect on these issues.

Your answer to this question lies in your post. Have you heard of social learning theory? We create these schemes and paradigms by internalizing observed experiences and modeled behaviors. This is how people learn how to behave and function in scenarios, like parenting. Your mother’s parenting was greatly influenced by her own observations that began in childhood. The process of parenting is ongoing and is continually changing as we (the parents) continue to develop and have experiences that influence our parenting.

There is a lot of data that suggests that when a women becomes pregnant, they begin to shape their own understanding of parenting. They reflect on the women in their life that they are closest to. Your mom’s parenting technique was probably all that she knew. When we think about it, it’s hard not to feel empathetic when we realize our own mothers (and fathers) were once the same disappointed child that we were.

All we can do is reflect on our own experiences and consciously be aware of our parenting approach. It is critical that parent form healthy attachment with their children. Failure to develop adequate attachment can literally disrupt generations of future families. It can create a nasty cycle, similar to teenage pregnancy or alcoholism. This is why all parents or future parents would benefit from gaining a basic understanding of early childhood development and how to develop these bonds. Anyway, hope that helps.