Anonymous wrote:By my mom? Never. By my dad? Absolutely, all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of what is contributing to the cluelessness/self centeredness of elderly parents is that we have all changed generational/familial structures. Between people living longer and having kids later, we have the sandwich generation.

Neither of my parents had to take care of their parents. For my dad, his dad died when he was young, and his mom died when I was a toddler. It was quick, too. He maybe saw her 1x/year. My mom lost her mom just after she had me, and her dad when I was 12, but again, she saw him 2x/year. He worked and lived independently and then one day had a heart attack and boom.

Now I'm in late middle age with tweens and teens, and we have 3 of 4 parents with us. MIL is 93 and wheelchair bound, partially blind and now getting deaf. Spouse runs errands for her 2-3x/week. Dad has parkinsons and no longer drives. Mom has dementia and heading for memory care soon. Both DH and I are the only ones to take care of these parents, even though we have siblings. We are flattened. When my mom was my age, she no longer had either kids or parents to take care of, remarried, and traveled and enjoyed her life. Same with my dad. But we are taking care of two generations, and no extended family.

I sometimes think the transformations in family life in later 20th/21st century has given many people opportunity but also wreaked havoc --there are not many multigenerational communities to help raise babies and take care of old people, and of course nothing is financially supported by gov unless you spiral all the way to medicaid. So we are stretched thin in ways that our elders have never experienced, and that's perhaps why they dont get it and can seem selfish and self centered, like my mom, who complains a lot that I dont take her to fun and interesting things (because we have weekly doctors, I work full time, kds actiities nightly-and sibling calls infrequently and has visited her 1x in 2.5 years but she complains to others about me, how I'm just too busy to care about my mother....

Isn’t it ironic, the parents who never bothered with our grandparents (their parents) who now complain that our generation isn’t doing enough? My mom took us to visit my grandfather twice a year even though he just lived an hour away. She expects people to take care of her all the time, nothing is ever enough, and the guilt tripping begins.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of what is contributing to the cluelessness/self centeredness of elderly parents is that we have all changed generational/familial structures. Between people living longer and having kids later, we have the sandwich generation.

Neither of my parents had to take care of their parents. For my dad, his dad died when he was young, and his mom died when I was a toddler. It was quick, too. He maybe saw her 1x/year. My mom lost her mom just after she had me, and her dad when I was 12, but again, she saw him 2x/year. He worked and lived independently and then one day had a heart attack and boom.

Now I'm in late middle age with tweens and teens, and we have 3 of 4 parents with us. MIL is 93 and wheelchair bound, partially blind and now getting deaf. Spouse runs errands for her 2-3x/week. Dad has parkinsons and no longer drives. Mom has dementia and heading for memory care soon. Both DH and I are the only ones to take care of these parents, even though we have siblings. We are flattened. When my mom was my age, she no longer had either kids or parents to take care of, remarried, and traveled and enjoyed her life. Same with my dad. But we are taking care of two generations, and no extended family.

I sometimes think the transformations in family life in later 20th/21st century has given many people opportunity but also wreaked havoc --there are not many multigenerational communities to help raise babies and take care of old people, and of course nothing is financially supported by gov unless you spiral all the way to medicaid. So we are stretched thin in ways that our elders have never experienced, and that's perhaps why they dont get it and can seem selfish and self centered, like my mom, who complains a lot that I dont take her to fun and interesting things (because we have weekly doctors, I work full time, kds actiities nightly-and sibling calls infrequently and has visited her 1x in 2.5 years but she complains to others about me, how I'm just too busy to care about my mother....

Anonymous wrote:I am currently in a situation where I take care of an elderly man, as his only daughter lives half the country away. It started out great and we became great friends. Or so I thought. It has reached a point lately where I spend my whole day and evening doing things for him instead of myself. And if it seems I have too much free time, then he will invent menial tasks. My wellbeing, mental health, rest and family life are non-existent in his thinking. It has now reached the point where I am going to pass off all responsibilities to someone else I find and leave him high and dry. I don't want hate or animosity in my heart so I must step away. He is used to me doing everything that he asks so this will hit him hard. He is going to be very upset, but honestly he should have thought about not taking me for granted at an earlier time. I could have been great for his end of life period, but now it's his loss

Anonymous wrote:I have found myself in the role of caregiver for my paternal uncle whom I met when I was 48 years old (found thru DNA) and learned I am his closest living relative ( I have other siblings thru my bio father that I found around the same time, all geographically distant to my uncle and most younger than me). He has little or no interest in knowing most of my siblings or their children, especially if they are male. I have a younger sister he has known her whole life but they have never been close. My bio father died when I was 8 and we never knew each other, so I didn't know my uncle or their family. Grandparents are deceased, there were only the two sons, my bio father and uncle. He and his family are apparently financially well off. I have worked my whole life and my husband and I are comfortable with our lives. We have two teenage sons at home.
My uncle is VERY sexist, misogynistic and self centered. Very different then how I was raised, to help others when you can.
My uncle takes advantage of this in every possible way without regard to my husband, my sons, my job or me. He expects that I be his committed caregiver regardless of the cost to my family "because he's making arrangements to take care of me when he's gone." Great. Where dies that leave my family today?
He claims to not be able to hire professional cleaning at his home but will spend 15k on a classic car (he owns dozens) and has bought no less than 6 in the short time I have known him. He expects me to clean his home for the promise of what's to come, and at the expense of my own income.
He is disrespectful of my marriage; he asks me to join him for dinner and I tell him my husband also would like dinner and the invitation is withdrawn until I alone can go. If I bring my sons to meet him for a meal he makes the server split their meals off the bill and will pay for his and mine.
He insists on wearing only his underwear in my presence all the while exclaiming how cold he is.
He tells all his medical staff he is capable of taking care of himself but expects me to wait on him hand and foot. He tells people we are "playing husband and wife" when I accompany him for medical visits out of town that require overnight stays. He asks me to have romantic dinners with him, in those words. He once (one time only) invited my whole family out for a meal, to celebrate his closing of a business transaction. We all joined him and had an enjoyable meal at a reasonable restaurant. After the meal, my husband stepped away to the restroom and my uncle leaned into me and told me to consider the meal as a down-payment for a service I had already told him we couldn't do.
He really sets me on edge and I am very resentful. He refuses to accept a no from me and is indignant and petulant if I don't play along with the twisted antics and his very inappropriate jokes. He is less colorful in front of my husband, but he has no qualms when my husband is not present.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an only child doing all of the caregiving of both of my parents. They really don’t have the money for help, so it’s all on me. I do feel that sometimes they take advantage of me. For example, they now leave their dirty dishes lying around when they are able to put a plate or glass in the dishwasher. Things like that. And they never offer to help with a small task that I know that they can do, they just sit and watch me. It’s starting to get on my nerves some. I have had my own health issues and it’s been a tough few years. I keep trying to remember what all they did for me as a child and teenager. At times though, that’s not enough.