I've got 3 kids, all teenagers. The oldest and youngest are boys with ADHD/anxiety. We've had lots of therapies and interventions over the years and have worked with great professionals. My older DS has a long history of being cruel and rude to my younger DS. It has nothing to do with how we have parented them or how we treat the kids. It has everything do do with my older DS' personality, ADHD and, especially, his anxiety.

Younger DS' challenges are far more significant than older DS' and older DS is embarrassed by him. Because of his own insecurities, ADHD and desire to 'control' things, older DS lashes out at younger DS. As I've said, we've worked with professionals to address and understand this and we've worked hard at collaborative problem solving. Yet, cruelty and bullying is unacceptable, especially within a family. It's gotten better as the kids have gotten older but we have definitely had to impose and enforce acceptable behaviors. There have been times where they boys have positive interactions, particularly when they're playing video games but I doubt they'll be close as adults. We can, at least, assure our home is supportive and civil.

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I find it interesting that some posters are reading that she favors the older son and some are reading that she favors the 14yo.

It might be a lot of projection.

Sibling rivalry issues cut so deep. I don't even think some of the PPs are necessarily trolling--but it seems like folks with unhappy sibling relationships or family dynamics simply cannot help but to project. OP, I would be wary of those who are offering advice based on grievances (legitmate or illegitimate) from their own childhoods and seek a professional therapist on these issues.

New poster here. I'm an only child with parents who think the sun rises and sets around me. So I have no sibling issues to project here. In my reading of the OP, she clearly prefers the middle son.

Exactly how I read it. I lot of praise for 14 year old, and thinks her older is shallow, social beast. What does the middle son say at dinner? I would love to know.

Anonymous wrote:

I find it interesting that some posters are reading that she favors the older son and some are reading that she favors the 14yo.

It might be a lot of projection.

Sibling rivalry issues cut so deep. I don't even think some of the PPs are necessarily trolling--but it seems like folks with unhappy sibling relationships or family dynamics simply cannot help but to project. OP, I would be wary of those who are offering advice based on grievances (legitmate or illegitimate) from their own childhoods and seek a professional therapist on these issues.

New poster here. I'm an only child with parents who think the sun rises and sets around me. So I have no sibling issues to project here. In my reading of the OP, she clearly prefers the middle son.

I'm sorry to hear what your family is struggling with. I was in this configuration (picture me as the 11 year-old) and it did not end well. The oldest brother died of anger and addiction in middle age and the middle child has had life-long mental health problems. I'm OK but with considerable baggage.
Counseling for the oldest child and protection for the younger ones seems like a good idea.

My older sister always disliked my brother and I, she seemed to resent us from the time we were born. We now have no contact with her, after our parents passed away, but do keep in touch with her kids. She pretty much started hanging around with only friends at about 16 and was not part of family life after that. Always had a really challenging personality and probably did.not get the help she needed earlier in life to deal with anger and hurt feelings.

It's not a good situation OP and has already gone on for too long. Oldest son needs some help just dealing with family and maybe someone to talk to alone and not with his parents. Your son may have shut down emotionally at a young age.

I sure did not trust my mother at age 16, so even if she tried to sit down one-on-one to sweet talk with me, I would do my best to be superficial with her. But, I might have opened up to a Neutral 3rd person who I might be able to trust.

I hope a therapy helps your oldest son.

It sounds so hard, OP. I would talk to the middle child, tell him that you see what's going on, you find I unacceptable and is working on helping to resolve the situation. Tell him that you love him and that you also love the older son and want to help him too to sort his feelings.

Also, keep in mind that many PPs in the thread project their feelings on the situation you describe. Obviously, many are still hurting from their childhood, but that has nothing to do with you or your family.

This is PP with the sister above. I forgot to add that it is good you are trying to figure out how to deal with things now, while they are still young. Does sound like your oldest needs some therapy or at least someone he can talk to if not comfortable with his parents. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fascinating people are reading favoritism of different kids. I immediately picked up on the fact that the middle kids was super cool, laid back, and not a shallow materialistic asshole like the oldest as showing clear favoritism of the middle. My guess is OP identifies most with the middle and oldest has picked up on it and is jealous and lashes out at the easier target. Therapy for all to break this bad dynamic. My parents also had a clear favorite of the 3 of us and to this day my other sibling and I barely have a relationship with the "golden" child who is spoiled rotten.

I'm an early poster who thinks the entire family needs family. I can't say it's favoritism. In my childhood family,my parents did favor the elder sibling that terrorized me, but I can't say that' the case. I think OP and her husband let things get out of hand thinking the oldest would grow out of it or it was just siblings being siblings. Whatever the cause, favoritism, or no favoritism, what's happening is dysfunctional and not working for everyone in the family and they all, all 5 of them need therapy. 16 and 14-year-old sons could probably benefit from individual counseling as well as family therapy, and mom and dad need a parenting coach.

My 2 years younger sister is like this and has been our whole lives. We were always very close but also had a very contentious relationship. Some of it normal sibling rivalry and some of it extreme resentment on her part. My parents didn’t do anything apart from breaking up our physical fights. I thought we were past most of it in adulthood and started getting along better. But I was wrong. Now in our 40s we generally don’t have much of a relationship. Mainly because she still harbors that hate and resentment towards me.

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that some posters are reading that she favors the older son and some are reading that she favors the 14yo.

It might be a lot of projection.

Thought the same thing.

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Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

You are clear you don't step in. He needs time with his parents. If he doesn't get it he will go to his friends. Guess COVID doesn't matter to you either. If he doesn't want his brothers around, he can go to his room.

We step in if it gets out of hand. We don't monitor or referee their every conversation. And he does go to his room.

Sounds like you need to monitor and referee every conversation. He'll do it because he can.

If you don't intervene now you will alienate your middle son from the entire family. There is a good chance that he will blame you for his unhappy homelife and keep his distance himself from your family when he grows up.

This happened to a middle child in my family. Grew up resenting that the parents didn't intervene more.

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Anonymous wrote:I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

Thank you. This is helpful. He does lack empathy and it’s something we are working on for him to understand. I’m not sure about autism. There could be some adhd. He’s very good socially with adults and peers. For context the kids are all great athletes and students. Close extended family.

We will continue to talk to him about his brothers being humans with same feelings as him. 16yo is so self absorbed so it’s a hurdle.

He needs therapy

Thread going off the rails alert. Anyway, OP, obviously what you are currently doing is not working. Time for professionals. Good luck.

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t sound like you care very much for your middle son.

Because I’m not saying much about him? I certainly do care but his behavior isn’t the problem.

You called him nerdy. I wouldn't like it if my parent called me nerdy, and my sibling "super cool".

She called the nerdy one "super cool". Read it again. That's why it reads like the middle is the favorite.