Anonymous wrote:We have a kid but there's a large age gap so the cousins won't be close anyway.

I'm pp with zillion relatives. Also wanted to say that this isn't necessarily true. The cousin I'm closest to and talk to the most is 20 years my senior. One of my sporty nephews (in his 20s) is adored by all of the younger of his cousins because he loves to play with them at get-togethers. Even if they don't see him for a couple years they will still say he is their favorite. You don't know they won't be close - so don't deny them that opportunity.

I'm from a very large family. I have 6 siblings, 11 nieces and nephews, one great-niece. (Also, My dad had three siblings who also had big families, so lots of cousins). We never give presents or cards on holidays or birthdays- it would rapidly become overwhelming. There is an understanding that people aren't expected to show up for every birthday party. I know approximate dates of birth and if I looked at my calendar, would know exact ones. This doesn't mean I don't love them or care about them.

Birthday party for little kids might be party with school friends (family attends if space/if desired). Younger kids get a few presents for birthdays/holidays, but certainly not a gift from each person. Other birthday parties are usually dinner/lunch/get-togethers; if people can't make it there's no guilt or anything. For grandparent (my parents) major birthdays eg. Dad's 80th, or weddings, there is a big get together and everyone tries to make it.

Presents are given randomly if you see something the person would like or if you know the person needs something. Major life events (eg. HS/College graduation, baby born, etc.) people may send a card and check - but not necessarily. Thanks to whatsapp we have a family chat where we share pictures, birthday wishes, congratulations, small and large life events (eg. dog learned new trick, vegetable garden planted, niece got her first job, other niece had a baby, nephew took a trip, etc.). However, it's not up to me to keep track of each child/ sibling and what they're doing. Either the person themselves reports, or the parents, or another person in the chat who recently spoke to them or saw them.

Also, by necessity in a big group, you are closer to some relatives than to others. For one brother, I know his kids super well and everything they like and dislike and their bedtime routine and I see them regularly. For another, I know names, month they were born, approximate age and I get pictures and stories from other relatives, but his kids wouldn't recognize me if I came to see them. I think this is probably normal in a big family. Again, it doesn't mean I don't love them or care about them. Even the ones I'm not close to I would absolutely take in if they needed me to. At one point, my sister sent her son to live with my brother. The son had probably only visited with his uncle every other year, but my brother was in a place in his life where he could take on a child. I guess my point is that not sending a card/present for every occasion and not attending every birthday party doesn't mean you're "awful" and you "don't care".

You don't have to put in great effort to have a base relationship with extended family. I grew up in an area with a lot of trashy people and drug addiction problems so had to keep most family at a distance. It's a shame and would not recommend ignoring neices/nephews outside of these sorts of problems.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, it IS kind of awful. It's not the childrens' fault there are a lot of them.

Yup

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Would you take them in if any of them were going to foster care?

No! And should not be guilted or expected to.

Wow. I’m childfree and basically dread being around kids, but I’d totally take in my sister in law’s kids if she and her husband both died. That’s your family, you know.

It's too big a financial and mental responsibility. You'd basically be housing, feeding, and paying for their college. And do you think they'd care for you in your old age? Unlikely, so no. Not taking anyone in.

Nice thing to do, but not legally or morally required.

Is a child’s college education not covered in DC if their raised by a family member? Even in hell hole Florida they have this safety net!

Huh? No one, whether they’re living with they’re bio parents or not, is legally entitled to have their college education payed for outright in cash. Sounds like you need to get out more.

My husbands mother insisted on an annual vacation together as a family which I strongly resented at first. But over the years I have grown to love my BILs andSILs and their children. Our two kids are at least 10 years younger than their cousins but we’re always included kindly in activities. We went skiing with some, spent many holidays together, and still get together every summer except this one. We now have a monthly zoom to keep up with each other. I feel very blessed to have these people in my life and that my children have wonderful connections with their cousins and aunts and uncles. I recognize that my relatives are all extraordinary and not the norm. I feel very blessed for myself and for my children.

Anonymous wrote:My husbands aunt took him in when he lost his parents, and he repaid her a million times over by caring for her tenderly over the next 50 plus years through dementia and until her death.

But how do you mandate that? You can't.

I don't think most kids past maybe 5 want so many adults at the birthday parties. I never had aunts and uncles and grandparents there, though if I saw them during the month of my birthday we might bring a treat or something.

My brother and I have similar values so it's easy to see each-others kids. My sister creates drama and she has trained her daughter to do the same. I do try to have a nice relationship with my niece, but I will not reinforce drama queen behavior at all. My sister was cruel to me most of my life, but i also don't like seeing my niece be cruel to my sister. I have no doubt my sister has been controlling and manipulative with her, I just don't care to witness dysfunction. I grew up with enough. I also find her too flirty with my sons who are older and creeped out by it. My sister does not seem to understand boundaries and flirty behavior toward a cousin is a problem. So I just limit my time with them, but try to be cordial.

My husbands aunt took him in when he lost his parents, and he repaid her a million times over by caring for her tenderly over the next 50 plus years through dementia and until her death.

Op, are they making the effort for your child?

Both my parents have several siblings and I had 18 first cousins. We were not particularly close growing up and since we are scattered all over the world now even less so. I don’t think my parents remembered any of their birthdays and likewise for us with my uncles and aunts. Our grandparents the only ones who bothered outside of the immediate family.
Now I have one child, my brother has two. My DH is an only child, so I do my best to foster the cousin relationship and my brother’s kids are awesome.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's that much effort to do something like this:

early in the year, purchase generic birthday cards for each kid. write a nice message. address them.

put up a birthday calendar. the week before each bday, drop said card in the mail.

Are they local? If so, why not do a group gathering 1-2x a year. A Saturday at a park.

I agree that that this is not too much effort for OP's DH to do.

It's too much for OP to do.

Agreed. My kids' have a wonderful relationship with my BIL but of course his wife is less interested. My kids look so much like BIL too and even sometimes share his traits. I find it a little odd your DH isn't stepping up but then again I don't. Men are selfish.

That’s quite the sexist statement.

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Would you take them in if any of them were going to foster care?

No! And should not be guilted or expected to.

Wow. I’m childfree and basically dread being around kids, but I’d totally take in my sister in law’s kids if she and her husband both died. That’s your family, you know.

It's too big a financial and mental responsibility. You'd basically be housing, feeding, and paying for their college. And do you think they'd care for you in your old age? Unlikely, so no. Not taking anyone in.

Nice thing to do, but not legally or morally required.

Is a child’s college education not covered in DC if their raised by a family member? Even in hell hole Florida they have this safety net!

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Would you take them in if any of them were going to foster care?

No! And should not be guilted or expected to.

Wow. I’m childfree and basically dread being around kids, but I’d totally take in my sister in law’s kids if she and her husband both died. That’s your family, you know.

It's too big a financial and mental responsibility. You'd basically be housing, feeding, and paying for their college. And do you think they'd care for you in your old age? Unlikely, so no. Not taking anyone in.

Nice thing to do, but not legally or morally required.

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t care less about DH sibling’s kids. Sorry, not sorry. I too could go the rest of my life without seeing them and be fine with it. I also assume DH feels the same about my family, I expect as much and as just fine with it. Truth be told, I tolerate my nieces and nephew, that’s the extent. I save my energy and love for my own kids.

Would you take them in if any of them were going to foster care?

No! And should not be guilted or expected to.

Wow. I’m childfree and basically dread being around kids, but I’d totally take in my sister in law’s kids if she and her husband both died. That’s your family, you know.

It's too big a financial and mental responsibility. You'd basically be housing, feeding, and paying for their college. And do you think they'd care for you in your old age? Unlikely, so no. Not taking anyone in.