^ He is actually 32 years older, easily old enough yo be her father (probably older than her father), and I can’t begin to imagine how immature and shallow he is. Seriously, a 22 year old girl (as hell described her) and a 55 year old ban gave exactly zero in common, unless the 55 year old never grew up.

Anonymous wrote:It is important to be completely frank with your therapist. But I do not think I need a therapist to tell me why I am having an affair with a 22 year old.

I am 54 and DW is 55. If I had enough sex at home I would not have had to seek out sex. When I am going to have an affair, I might as well go for my ideal woman, a 20-22 year old college girl.

Really not much to explore there. Nothing that the therapist would help me understand that I do not already know.

You are a grown man essentially going after a child. Yes, I think you need some help. She's 22 years younger than you. That is plain gross. Obviously, you are stunted intellectually/emotionally so belong with somebody wondering when bar crawls will start up again.

It is important to be completely frank with your therapist. But I do not think I need a therapist to tell me why I am having an affair with a 22 year old.

I am 54 and DW is 55. If I had enough sex at home I would not have had to seek out sex. When I am going to have an affair, I might as well go for my ideal woman, a 20-22 year old college girl.

Really not much to explore there. Nothing that the therapist would help me understand that I do not already know.

Anonymous wrote:I have an AP and haven't told a soul. I'd like to start therapy, but I can't imagine talking about my AP (out of fear of her judging me and out of fear she'd ID my AP's wife through social media and tell her) -- and yet my AP is such a huge part of my life, therapy would be useless if I never brought him up.

To anyone with an AP, have you discussed it with a therapist?
To any therapists, is this something people talk about with you? Are they sheepish or brazen about it?

so you're worried about being "outed" potentially, but you have no quarrels with the fact that you're cheating? hmm, your "moral" compass is waaaayyyy off

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ to be fair, as a cheater you are not qualified to know the depth of the pain you caused and the trust issues you have inflicted on others. I’m glad you are seeking to change. However, I don’t trust anyone that cheats in their marriage—even as friends. There is something fundamentally wrong with you.

Some cheaters have previously been cheated upon. I know this is anecdotal, but I know two cheaters. 1 of the 2 had been cheated upon before. So, if you round up, that's 100%

Once you know and experience the pain of betrayal, you have to be a real monster to inflict it on some just else. I don’t get revenge affairs either. At least you have integrity and dignity and can go through life knowing you are an honest, decent person—-something cheaters can never do. That stain is on their soul.

Anonymous wrote:you seriously think all therapists are going to tell you to end the affair? ha! My stepmom is a therapist. She had at least two long term affairs with married men (my dad being one of them).

Yep. Psychologists/psychiatrists are often some of the most messed up people I know.

All of my friends with major issues majored in psychology. If you come from dysfunction, you have a lot more tolerance than those that came from very, healthy and stable childhoods. You are less likely to take a stance on affairs if you are a cheater yourself. I know a marriage therapist that is a serial cheater.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapists are not supposed to judge.

A therapist will not discuss anything with your spouse without your consent.

If you end up divorcing, your spouse can request access to your file and the information in it can be used against you.

Ever heard of HIPPA?

I am a healthcare attorney, not a family law attorney so take this with a grain of salt. All HIPAA means is they can't disclose without your consent. But if you place your mental health in dispute in a legal proceedings you have consented to disclosure. I could see this being discoverable to a cheated on spouse if you claim emotional distress as a reason to end the marriage etc

Who is going to pursue a for-cause divorce in 2020?

you seriously think all therapists are going to tell you to end the affair? ha! My stepmom is a therapist. She had at least two long term affairs with married men (my dad being one of them).

Anonymous wrote:^ to be fair, as a cheater you are not qualified to know the depth of the pain you caused and the trust issues you have inflicted on others. I’m glad you are seeking to change. However, I don’t trust anyone that cheats in their marriage—even as friends. There is something fundamentally wrong with you.

Some cheaters have previously been cheated upon. I know this is anecdotal, but I know two cheaters. 1 of the 2 had been cheated upon before. So, if you round up, that's 100%

I have talked to multiple therapists trying to quit my previous AP and understand why I did what I did. It took three or four before they didn’t say it was okay. Seriously, they all said something along the line of “you are filling a void”. Find one that will call you out on your BS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ to be fair, as a cheater you are not qualified to know the depth of the pain you caused and the trust issues you have inflicted on others. I’m glad you are seeking to change. However, I don’t trust anyone that cheats in their marriage—even as friends. There is something fundamentally wrong with you.

You’re so lovely. It’s impossible anyone would betray you repeatedly.

I just want to say, as the fMW who answered the questions, this is not my response. This poster is correct in that even though I saw firsthand the pain my husband went through, I will never understand it completely. That OP completely has the right to not want to trust or be friends with me. As for the last sentence, I agree with the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong with me at the time I made my hurtful and selfish choices. I wouldn't extend that to my whole self necessarily, as I am in a completely different place in my life now due to what I have learned and how I have grown and changed. I personally don't subscribe to the "once a cheater always a cheater" if the cheater has taken full responsibility for their actions, made reparations, and started on a path of true, deep growth and change. Unfortunately, however, most cheaters don't want to actually face what they have done and either continue to self-justify their choices or sweep things under the rug. And when that happens, yes, cheaters can absolutely cheat again. 

As for OP, I would gently suggest being completely honest with your therapist (and yourself). PPs are correct that there is no real point to therapy unless one is honest...it's like going to the doctor for a diagnosis but not sharing all your symptoms. How is a doctor supposed to adequately help you if they don't have all the information? Please consider being completely honest with your therapist and yourself during the time ahead. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:So you are divorcing and it’s all your husband’s fault, but you are having an affair? Hahaha. Rationalization/refusal to take responsibility/rewriting history/thinking only about keeping yourself happy - these are all classic cheater mindsets. Lying to your therapist on top of it shows how foggy your thinking is. OP, you need therapy badly to learn how to be honest with yourself, for a start. Also, maybe you will find your conscience before you participate in ruining another (someone else’s) marriage and inflicting trauma on another family.

unlikely

Anonymous wrote:So you are divorcing and it’s all your husband’s fault, but you are having an affair? Hahaha. Rationalization/refusal to take responsibility/rewriting history/thinking only about keeping yourself happy - these are all classic cheater mindsets. Lying to your therapist on top of it shows how foggy your thinking is. OP, you need therapy badly to learn how to be honest with yourself, for a start. Also, maybe you will find your conscience before you participate in ruining another (someone else’s) marriage and inflicting trauma on another family.

Yes. Classic selfish cheater mindset. They are never the problem. It is always somebody else that is the problem. Pretty awful way to go through life.

So you are divorcing and it’s all your husband’s fault, but you are having an affair? Hahaha. Rationalization/refusal to take responsibility/rewriting history/thinking only about keeping yourself happy - these are all classic cheater mindsets. Lying to your therapist on top of it shows how foggy your thinking is. OP, you need therapy badly to learn how to be honest with yourself, for a start. Also, maybe you will find your conscience before you participate in ruining another (someone else’s) marriage and inflicting trauma on another family.

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of therapy if you’re lying to your therapist?

Isn’t the fact you’re cheating a big issue to be addressed? (Both your own personal responsibility as well as the underlying emotional reasons)

Why bother with therapy at all?

Agree.