OP, watch some of Tony Attwood's videos.

OP, I had to reread your post a couple times to make sure it wasn't me who wrote it a while back. We have almost identical husbands. Except I've been with mine for almost 20 years and we now have children.

Every basic adult normal thing that most people take for granted, I have had to fight for. It was exhausting. Luckily he is a caring and committed parent. We disagree on many parenting decisions, but he has generally taken my lead in that regard, more than in other realms of our lives. That doesn't mean we haven't had epic fights having to do with parenting.

A lot of our fights have to do with the fact that I pretty much take care of 90% of the household, social, or financial management responsibilities, because he does not think they are important or necessary and will argue to the death about it. It's infuriating when he not only refuses to value or participate in all the basic responsible things I do for our family, he also criticizes and denigrates them and tries to make me feel like I am the unenlightened one who has gotten sucked into thinking these things are important. I have gone back and forth as to the why of why he's like this. Is he just a complete selfish a-hole who only cares about himself? Is he handicapped or have some kind of mental disability?

Like your husband, mine is exceptional at his job - that is his realm of competency. He is very black and white in terms of prioritization - his work is a priority, spending time with the children is important, everything else - unimportant. And like your husband, mine has also become very good at reading people, blending in with various social circles - but here's the caveat - he has a major deficit he is working with when it comes to people, and with exceptional intelligence, he has figured out patterns of behaviors - he is good at catching patterns. But he severely lacks the general ability to see things through other people's eyes, and he still misses a lot of cues that a person like me takes for granted. And all this effort takes a lot out of him.

TBH the majority of guys, whether it's nurture or nature, place little value on household responsibilities. The difference is most recognize it's important to their wives and can see how it's beneficial and they make it work.

My husband is physically incapable of "imagining" how others feel if it is different than how he feels and he is deeply inflexible. I have made many compromises and eventually I have made it work, but it took so many years, and it took him seeing me have a near mental and emotional breakdown. It took a huge toll on me, and he finally saw what he was doing to me. He made, what for him was a gargantuan effort to change. I could almost visualize how hard this was for him - the strain of going against his every instinct.

OP I dated this guy. Spontaneous, exciting, fun. We walked everywhere and went on crazy budget trips. He had odd obsessive exercise habits and no idea how to manage money. And we didn't have any so who cared?!

There's all kinds of names for guys like these...Peter Pan, eccentric, etc. But when you break it down what you really have is someone who eventually ages out of this stuff. A good looking 23 yo guy who goes everywhere on his skateboard can make that work. The 43 yo usually has issues. Regardless of what your ideal life looks like, you can't build something with someone who refuses to think about anyone's needs but his own. And the whole "single roll of toilet paper/dinner sandwich" and "baby doesn't need curtains" *screams* this. In your 20's it's eccentricity. In your 40's with a family? It's just blind selfishness.

I always scratch my head at the ladies on here who post about their "absent minded professor" type husbands; we work so hard to find lovable ways to enable men. And hey if it works for them, sure. But it wouldn't work for me, and it sounds like it doesn't for you either. Bottom line: sometimes you grow up, and they don't, or never were going to. Hoping you two can work it out for baby's sake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

Oh my goodness! Are you married to my husband OP?

Here's my story:

I grew up in a nice home with parents who were both nesters and deeply enjoyed fine living. I grew up in beautiful homes with a lot of meticulous attention to details that made our home environment lovely. Due to a stay at home mother, nannies and housekeepers, I grew up very spoiled, intellectual and quite the opposite of my mom. When I met DH, he was similar to how you describe your DH. Intellectual, head in the clouds, brilliant, voracious reader and super charming. I noticed his apartment was a mess with books everywhere. I did not care. I too lived in a bare bones apartment with lots of books. It was instant chemistry, I fell head over heels in love. We married and moved in together and a few years later, I wanted to live more like how I knew was "adult life."

I wanted a dining table, carpets, art on walls, decorations. I wanted structure and a family financial plan. He pushed back at first saying those things are for "yuppies" and he is a "punk and a rebel" and an "bohemian artist" and I should have just married a lawyer. He would show disdain for the cookie-cutter family life. I stood my ground. I resented him for making us live like college students and he resented me for wanting him to spend on "material goods." Part of it was also that he did not grow up very rich along with being very spoiled so he never had to think logistics. His mom and dad did the life organizing and thinking for him.

And when I expected him to...he just combusted. He had a mental health breakdown and got fired from his job and developed a drinking and gambling problem and filed for divorce.

It was like being hit by a hurricane. He never did get a diagnosis but...normal people don't act that way.

My asd ex-spouse was the same: bad habits, slob/ filth, zero communicating, and only talked about himself if he happened to open his mouth (I need....).

He had a ton of lame excuses for why he forgot things, made a mess, left a mess, didn’t notice something big or small in need of attention, lost something, etc.
Thing is the lame excuses started repeating and repeating. He could not learn, he could not improve, he could not take care of things or people or children.
Then he’s explode at the person suffering from his mistake: how dare you B ask what happened, I’m busy.
He could not anticipate danger. Kid gets backed up on, hangs kid from 10’ bar and he falls and breaks legs.
He’s blame others for his mistakes and shortcomings. This was particularly psycho and lame...
Then people close notices his father, mother and brother act the same. Nothing is ever their responsibility! Or their fault! Their decisions and behaviors are always someone else’s fault!

It’s crazy making. Talking with them on any topic is like smashing ones head against the wall, and nothing gets resolved. They’d rather argue than solve a problem.

Good riddance.

PP here.

The exact same scenario with mine. He could NEVER accept responsibility and when he spent money from our savings to fund his party lifestyle and hookers, he BLAMED ME. He so hated that I dared expect him to like...get a coffee table or that we not eat on paper plates!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

Oh my goodness! Are you married to my husband OP?

Here's my story:

I grew up in a nice home with parents who were both nesters and deeply enjoyed fine living. I grew up in beautiful homes with a lot of meticulous attention to details that made our home environment lovely. Due to a stay at home mother, nannies and housekeepers, I grew up very spoiled, intellectual and quite the opposite of my mom. When I met DH, he was similar to how you describe your DH. Intellectual, head in the clouds, brilliant, voracious reader and super charming. I noticed his apartment was a mess with books everywhere. I did not care. I too lived in a bare bones apartment with lots of books. It was instant chemistry, I fell head over heels in love. We married and moved in together and a few years later, I wanted to live more like how I knew was "adult life."

I wanted a dining table, carpets, art on walls, decorations. I wanted structure and a family financial plan. He pushed back at first saying those things are for "yuppies" and he is a "punk and a rebel" and an "bohemian artist" and I should have just married a lawyer. He would show disdain for the cookie-cutter family life. I stood my ground. I resented him for making us live like college students and he resented me for wanting him to spend on "material goods." Part of it was also that he did not grow up very rich along with being very spoiled so he never had to think logistics. His mom and dad did the life organizing and thinking for him.

And when I expected him to...he just combusted. He had a mental health breakdown and got fired from his job and developed a drinking and gambling problem and filed for divorce.

It was like being hit by a hurricane. He never did get a diagnosis but...normal people don't act that way.

My asd ex-spouse was the same: bad habits, slob/ filth, zero communicating, and only talked about himself if he happened to open his mouth (I need....).

He had a ton of lame excuses for why he forgot things, made a mess, left a mess, didn’t notice something big or small in need of attention, lost something, etc.
Thing is the lame excuses started repeating and repeating. He could not learn, he could not improve, he could not take care of things or people or children.
Then he’s explode at the person suffering from his mistake: how dare you B ask what happened, I’m busy.
He could not anticipate danger. Kid gets backed up on, hangs kid from 10’ bar and he falls and breaks legs.
He’s blame others for his mistakes and shortcomings. This was particularly psycho and lame...
Then people close notices his father, mother and brother act the same. Nothing is ever their responsibility! Or their fault! Their decisions and behaviors are always someone else’s fault!

It’s crazy making. Talking with them on any topic is like smashing ones head against the wall, and nothing gets resolved. They’d rather argue than solve a problem.

Good riddance.

I live like a graduate student and I like it but to be honest it sounds like OP's dh's problem is not the graduate student lifestyle but an unwillingness to compromise.

Also there's something about planning ahead that the dh seems to disdain which isn't antithetical to the graduate student life.

Anonymous wrote:When I met my slightly eccentric husband, I found him charming. He is somewhat contrarian and very confident. He grooms himself well, he is not on the autism spectrum, so his eccentricity was not initially off putting. But now that we have been married for 6 years, his contempt for a typical family lifestyle of living is starting to really grate on me.

If he had his way, he would live like a graduate student for the rest of his life. Most adult responsibilities around caring for a home and family are superfluous in his view. A nursery for a baby with curtains? Shelves in the office? Completely unnecessary. Spending 2 hours helping me hang curtains is a HUGE sacrifice he can barely bring himself to do. Doing dishes and other routine chores is fine though (thank god for that).

In his mind I am having a blast wasting our money buying paper towels, coffee, toiletries, etc. on amazon instead of fulfilling a necessary responsibility. His preference would be to go to the grocery store and buy individual roles of paper towels as needed as he is picking up his nightly dinner sandwich. Stocking a kitchen pantry with food and home supplies? Making dinner nightly to be healthy and save money? This is apparently a complete waste of energy and not only do I get no appreciation for handling it, I actually deal wit his resentment about it.

During our marriage he has acquiesced to what 99% of people would consider to be normal way of living, but he apparently feels deeply burdened by it. He despises planning ahead and any encumbrances at all. And I apparently need to learn to give up some of these things or else he is going to keep being resentful.

He is apparently so resentful, that he doesn't even want to have sex frequently despite my willingness. So that can't keep him happy.

I am at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I am not willing to be a working mother and live like a graduate student making every decision in the moment and living in a sparse home with no maintenance on anything required. I cannot believe I married someone who finds basic adult responsibilities a massive sacrifice that he can't stomach.

Oh my goodness! Are you married to my husband OP?

Here's my story:

I grew up in a nice home with parents who were both nesters and deeply enjoyed fine living. I grew up in beautiful homes with a lot of meticulous attention to details that made our home environment lovely. Due to a stay at home mother, nannies and housekeepers, I grew up very spoiled, intellectual and quite the opposite of my mom. When I met DH, he was similar to how you describe your DH. Intellectual, head in the clouds, brilliant, voracious reader and super charming. I noticed his apartment was a mess with books everywhere. I did not care. I too lived in a bare bones apartment with lots of books. It was instant chemistry, I fell head over heels in love. We married and moved in together and a few years later, I wanted to live more like how I knew was "adult life."

I wanted a dining table, carpets, art on walls, decorations. I wanted structure and a family financial plan. He pushed back at first saying those things are for "yuppies" and he is a "punk and a rebel" and an "bohemian artist" and I should have just married a lawyer. He would show disdain for the cookie-cutter family life. I stood my ground. I resented him for making us live like college students and he resented me for wanting him to spend on "material goods." Part of it was also that he did not grow up very rich along with being very spoiled so he never had to think logistics. His mom and dad did the life organizing and thinking for him.

And when I expected him to...he just combusted. He had a mental health breakdown and got fired from his job and developed a drinking and gambling problem and filed for divorce.

It was like being hit by a hurricane. He never did get a diagnosis but...normal people don't act that way.

Anonymous wrote:He probably has ADHD, which impacts his ability to plan ahead and organize the life of a household. Such mental disorders affect each person differently but I sense an executive function deficit and subsequent denial as a result. It’s sometimes easier to deny the need to do something instead of realizing one has a permanent condition and seek pharmacological treatment and behavioral change.

My husband and son have diagnosed ADHD and perhaps some Asperger’s tendencies and I’ve done a lot of research on it. While my husband seemed successful and functional as a bachelor, he cannot manage a household. He’s a doctor and wants to cook from scratch, plan ahead, limit waste, etc, but I end up scheduling and organizing because otherwise we run out of things and miss deadlines: he’s nearly always late to file taxes and pay bills, for example. He’s late to drop off or pick up his kids, and never remembers to schedule medical appointments. When he’s faced with something he really cannot do because of his ADHD, he will flat-out deny the need to do it, because psychologically he cannot face his inability, and it’s easier for him to be angry and blame others, than it is to accept his limitations and their consequences.

Medication works well for certain patients. If you suspect your husband had ADHD, you can suggest he see a psychiatrist to discuss the matter.

+1 it’s beyond juvenile how he avoids any and all responsibilities. There is no future w these types. Once they are so overwhelmed the chronic anger outbursts start it’s really the end.

Hire out. Find a good handyman and keep him on speed dial. You will be happier and so will DH.

My husband and child sound similar to OP’s husband and I have often suspected ASD or ADHD, because it looks similar. But it’s most likely just anxiety coupled with high intelligence and just complete lack of interest in the everyday mundane stuff. The anxiety is also tied with any change. Anything novel. Redecorating or moving things around the house is very anxiety provoking to our child. And for DH- having to think about money/finances.

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s husband sounds a lot like this, super nice guy, brilliant but quirky. He won’t handle anything having to do with finances and has no interest in home appearance and maintenance, but he’s a good dad and does dishes and stuff like that BUT the big difference is that he at least just cedes responsibility to her on those things. So she decorated and he’s fine with it, just doesn’t really care. He would never object to stocking up on items.

That’s what I think you need to get a handle on. It’s one thing for him not to care about certain things but why is he objecting when you do them? Is it financial? In which case maybe you can show him that buying a roll of paper towels at a time costs more than buying bulk. He may be penny wise but pound foolish or is it something else other than finances? If you do things and don’t involve him does he mind? Is the issue that you are trying to make him care?

Agreed. Also, the rigidity about things.... That's not eccentric.

My friend’s husband sounds a lot like this, super nice guy, brilliant but quirky. He won’t handle anything having to do with finances and has no interest in home appearance and maintenance, but he’s a good dad and does dishes and stuff like that BUT the big difference is that he at least just cedes responsibility to her on those things. So she decorated and he’s fine with it, just doesn’t really care. He would never object to stocking up on items.

That’s what I think you need to get a handle on. It’s one thing for him not to care about certain things but why is he objecting when you do them? Is it financial? In which case maybe you can show him that buying a roll of paper towels at a time costs more than buying bulk. He may be penny wise but pound foolish or is it something else other than finances? If you do things and don’t involve him does he mind? Is the issue that you are trying to make him care?

ASD is definitely possible. Some of them present as being very capable of reading people, but it's because they're intellectually analyzing other people's behavior patterns rather than "just knowing", the emotional component doesn't work the same way at all.

U sure he's not on that spectrum?

Anonymous wrote:I hang my own drapery rods. A tape measure, a level, battery operated drill/ screwdriver (DH gave it to me for Christmas one year) and a level. I don’t think household projects need to be a group activity.

Same, and I am a lawyer. I painted rooms by myself, i re-finished furniture, I hanged up the blinds on most of the window (except the custom blinds that came with the service), I put the furniture together, I replaced handles on all doors, I installed the front door lock, I installed a backslash tile in the kitchen and I tiled a powder room and laundry room half way through... I can't even remember all the things i have done around the house in 20 years.

My dad was very handy, and I was in a shock to find out that my highly intellectual husband can do very little around the house.

I gave up a long time ago because he has a lot of other great qualities (he is still fit after 20 years of marriage and we have a great sex, he is funny, he cares about kids and spends a lot of time with them and very invested in their education).