Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t often leave my husband with responsibility for our daughter because he has autism (diagnosed after we had our baby) and horrible executive functioning skills. His inability to perceive others’ needs and poor planning, both through time and space, means that he does things like crash cars into static objects, “forgets” that toddlers need meals, leaves exterior doors wide open, etc. He probably has a lot in common with PP’s drowning incident dad, so I’m really careful with the decisions I make around the care of our daughter. It sucks and does socially isolate me sometimes, but we’re already socially isolated because my DH is rude and indifferent in social situations, so it doesn’t matter. And to answer everyone’s question, of course he wasn’t like this when he met. Some adults with autism have really good social masking skills that they can deploy in situations like dating, work, etc.

I rather be divorced than have to deal with a partner like this. At least, I wouldn't have to resent their inability to be a functional adult in the basic sense and an equal partner in parenting and household management.

Anyone whose innate personality is like this but manages to hide it during dating, especially long enough for someone to marry them, is profoundly dishonest. They're misrepresenting who they are and they are effectively tricking someone into marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

My friend who is like this is a SAHM so how is she going to leave?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

Yeah see that’s the problem. The backless booster and beach stories don’t concern me that much. Maybe because I’m a child of the 80s?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

Yeah see that’s the problem. The backless booster and beach stories don’t concern me that much. Maybe because I’m a child of the 80s?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.

I think this is part of the enabling. You feel like you chose it, so you have to live with the consequences.

And I think society reinforces this. Women in this situation get very little compassion and a lot of blame. Everyone says “you knew what you were getting into.” It’s seriously messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

You clearly have no idea how hard it is to gain sole custody. Keep in mind that a) while society won’t judge dads for being terrible parents, it does judge them for not having at least partial custody and b) if you don’t have fairly equal custody then you have to pay child support.

I am a nanny and have seen this kind of thing from a front row seat. Dad doesn’t supervise young kids. Skips anything “hard” such as giving them medicine necessary to prevent a chronic illness from spiraling out of control. Feels car seats are nbd so does things like put 1yo in a backless booster because the buckles on their actual car seat are “too confusing.” This dad let a 3yo wander off unsupervised in public AT A BEACH twice in one weekend because his wife was sick and the other family members thought dad would step up.

Prior to splitting, mom worked 60+ hours a week and dad worked part time. Mom saw the kids for an hour every morning and 3 hours at night and all weekend. Dad would see them maybe 10 hours a week total because he just didn’t give a F.

After split, dad realized he would have to pay child support if mom had custody so he fought for 50/50 custody and won. This is why mom stay married until the kids were old enough to basically fend for themselves AND she made sure they had cell phones because dad constantly left them at his apartment, unsupervised, for hours at a time at age 9 (twins).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.

I think this is part of the enabling. You feel like you chose it, so you have to live with the consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

Well, if your spouse really is lazy and uninvolved, what are you supposed to do? You can leave your kid at home alone with someone who is lazy and won't take care of them, but that seems...suboptimal. You can't make someone be energetic and involved. You can't make them care about their kids' well-being. I don't think it's "just men," because I know many men who are capable, involved fathers, but if someone is a crap parent, you can't make them better unless they want to improve. I guess you can divorce them, but again, that's not going to make them a better parent. Maybe they'll pass on custody, but maybe they won't, and you end up with kids who spend their time at their dad's with a sitter or his new girlfriend or whatever.

And it's nothing like enabling an addiction.

According to this site you’re supposed to go back in time and not marry him. Or at least not have kids with him.
Never mind that it’s pretty difficult to know what someone will be like as a parent before you have kids. Never mind that even if she was overly optimistic about his capabilities, there’s nothing she can do about it now.

The child exists.

His father is lazy and won’t supervise him.

What is his mother supposed to do?

(For simplicity’s sake let’s assume that she does not own or otherwise have access to a time machine, so please skip all suggestions that involve going back in time.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

I’m in this situation, and would rather be alone, but if I divorce my DH then he will have partial custody and complete responsibility for the children. No one intentionally chooses a mate who turns out to be awful.

Here’s the thing. If your husband is so terrible at parenting that he couldn’t manage any sort of custody, then he also isn’t fit to be a parent living with you as a married couple. Sounds like your husband shouldn’t be with ANY children as he may be a danger to them.

If this is not the case, then it means you’re just a control freak and he won’t do things your way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah yes, let’s blame women for men’s behavior.

Is it though? I think we all know what OP is talking about the lazy, uninvolved fathers that constantly are complained about on here, but then get laughed of with " oh that's just men.'

It's the same as the person who is supplying alcohol to the family alcoholic because it's safer if they don't drive. Yes the alcoholic is responsible , but so is the person who is enabling by buying the drinks.

Well, if your spouse really is lazy and uninvolved, what are you supposed to do? You can leave your kid at home alone with someone who is lazy and won't take care of them, but that seems...suboptimal. You can't make someone be energetic and involved. You can't make them care about their kids' well-being. I don't think it's "just men," because I know many men who are capable, involved fathers, but if someone is a crap parent, you can't make them better unless they want to improve. I guess you can divorce them, but again, that's not going to make them a better parent. Maybe they'll pass on custody, but maybe they won't, and you end up with kids who spend their time at their dad's with a sitter or his new girlfriend or whatever.

And it's nothing like enabling an addiction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have literally never understood this. I would rather be alone than with a man who was not an equal partner in all regards. How can you have a child with someone who you cannot trust to leave alone with the child you created?

My friend who is like this is a SAHM so how is she going to leave?

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that no one chooses a bad mate. Plenty of my friends married guys they knew wouldn’t be good husbands. But they married them anyways thinking they could change them.