Anonymous wrote:I think sexless vs loveless is completely different.

My best friend married the love of her life. Childhood best friends, high school sweethearts and they married at 24. I feel like you could have written a Nicholas Sparks book about them. At 26 he was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and it also messed with his heart. The meds he has to take mean he can’t ever have sex again (can’t get hard). They both really struggled that year but obviously realized their lives would never be better with someone else. They even had to do IUI to conceive their kids. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who knows and she says it was a hard blow but they’re really happy (we’re late 30s). They’re sweet to each other and I do see them kissing and holding hands. Not sure I could live sexless forever.

Both my parents and my in-laws (and all 4 sets of our grandparents) led wonderful marriages. I think being around so many different but functioning and loving marriages really prepared us. I didn’t feel like I was lied to about how hard marriage was. All my cousins and siblings are in good marriages too. I briefly dated a guy who wanted to argue and scream. Nope. I knew that wasn’t what I wanted in a partner. I felt like I always knew just what I wanted and I saw that in Dh. He felt the same way.

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless marriage - no sex period - and no physical contact. I know my teenage children notice. How will this affect them? In addition to wanting to feel desired again I often think about divorce/being with others in part so I can model better behavior. Or am I crazy for thinking this way?

This is a bullshit way to rationalize doing what YOU want to do. Turn their lives upside down “to model better behavior”? Yeah right.

Agree. F@cking delusional.

Haha. Op wants to get laid but only to model better behavior lol.

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

How would you feel if you discovered he was having sex with someone else?

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Anonymous wrote:It didn't bother me at all or set a bad example at all. Seeing the hassle that my friends went through with their divorced parents and new partners and everything, I would not trade. Loving parents would have been nice, but divorce comes with a lot of other negatives.

If you want to divorce, own the choice for yourself. Don't tell your kids you are banging your new girlfriend for their benefit. They will find that disgusting and they will not agree with you.

Child of divorce here and this comment above is all you need to read because its absolutely accurate.

My parents stuck it out till my older sibling left for college, so I was 15 when they finally separated from their loveless but low conflict marriage. In hindsight, I am grateful they stuck it out long enough so I wasn't a shuttle kid on a custody schedule. It's not like if they divorced earlier, I would have been thrilled for them as a 10 year old that they found love. But it wouldn't have screwed me up for life either assuming they were mature about it.

You absolutely have a right to leave your sexless marriage, and it may make you a happier person and therefore a better parent. But you are doing it for you, not your kids, and that's ok. No different than the logic that if you decided to cheat so you could stay sane and married, you are doing it for you and not your kids, and that would also be ok.]

Just own the decision.

This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

I love the way you tell the PP that their feeling about their own childhood is "wrong." I thought PP sounded pretty rational, non-judgemental, and understanding that parents are just trying to do the best they can. You can rationalize your own decisions all you want, but PP is proof that staying together for the kids isn't a bad idea.

We don’t have to pretend like every feeing is valid. That pp was flat-out wrong.

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless marriage - no sex period - and no physical contact. I know my teenage children notice. How will this affect them? In addition to wanting to feel desired again I often think about divorce/being with others in part so I can model better behavior. Or am I crazy for thinking this way?

This is a bullshit way to rationalize doing what YOU want to do. Turn their lives upside down “to model better behavior”? Yeah right.

Agree. F@cking delusional.

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Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

My parents had a wonderful marriage - but they certainly modeled surviving good times and hard times (my mom had 20 years of MS before she died this year). My childhood did not prepare me to recognize my DH’s mental health issues - we both had years of denial. It reached the point where it was
Frightening and I couldn’t deny it anymore. I don’t know what is going on with him but he is highly, highly dependent on me to alleviate his anxiety (general anxiety, self esteem problems and social anxiety). I used to think it impacted only me, but I think it has impacted my kids too (especially the one with anxiety). I hope in the end they will see my DH and I as sticking together through good times and bad. On the other hand, he is highly successful professionally and has a very healthy sex drive.

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.