Can we update this thread with people opining with their ages? Would be interested to see if this is generational difference.

Also, would be interested to hear from couples that are divorced and whether in hindsight they would have recommended being separate/joint.

My relative did a separate/proportional split in her relationship. Come time for divorce - that ended up hurting her. Sure in the relationship you agree to do proportional contribution (she earned more and thus contributed more), but in divorce, it's all community property so they split all of it 50/50. I think in hindsight she would have just done all joint.

It’s like this. If you make less vs spouse pool the fund. If you make more keep separate funds.

We have a joint account. I'm a teacher, so I never expected to make as much as he does, though when we were starting out we were at the same income.

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for over 10 years, and when we first met, we both made about the same, $65k-$75k. In the beginning, it was easy to budget and travel and go out since we always just split the expenses down the middle. Flash forward to now and I'm making about $140k and my SO is making close to $300k. The difference is significant and it really only happened in the last 3 years when my SO had a series of job moves that resulted in doubling of salary.

I was wondering how others have dealt with this situation? I'm heard suggestions from splitting expenses as a percentage of your income, to just having one big pot and it's all both of ours, to having separate accounts we're "your money is yours and mine is mine."

The fact that you are not married after 10 yrs suggests some caution by one or both of you about the permanency of this relationship. If you were married, it would be easier to make it all one big pot b/c you would rely on the commitment of the other. But, since you are not married, you money is yours and his is his. That is just a fact. So, I guess it makes sense to split expenses proportionally.

Although at this point, I'd be thinking more about whether there is a reason you or the SO is not in a committed mindset. Does that matter to you? It must have come up.

I concur - I think its odd when you are married not to think of it as our and split things down the middle. I make $70K and my DH makes $400K. If we had to split expenses it would be completely unfair. Thankfully for us I am not a big spender and DH always consults with me when he buys things over a certain amount. He tends to buy more than me but usually its for our family and I don't care.

My sister and her husband have two separate accounts and its just because they are too lazy to merge them. They have been together for 10 years and its insane that they pass money back and forth between their accounts to pay their bills. Their salaries have changed dramatically over the years as well. In the beginning her husband used to make more than her ($250K to her $100K) but now she makes way more than him ($250K him vs her $500K).

Anonymous wrote:You've been together for 10 years and just now thinking maybe a serious convo about how to share money is in order? I mean this kindly, I am concerned for you guys.

OP here. Well, like I said, this kinda happened in the last year or so, and really accelerated in the last 8 months. Middle of last year, I was making $140 and she was making $165, so it wasn't that big of an issue, we were fine with the 50/50 split. Then she got a job offer at a startup, and I kinda pushed her to take it because I had a steady job and it seemed like a good risk/reward position for her. She took the job, and the startup got bought out almost immediately. Then after series of job leveling and a promotion her salary went from $165->$200->$230->$300 in less then 6 months. It's now been a couple months since then and we are just working out how we should handle this. I figured I would ask how others have handled it to see if there any situations that we might be able to take notes from.

Anonymous wrote:You've been together for 10 years and just now thinking maybe a serious convo about how to share money is in order? I mean this kindly, I am concerned for you guys.

+1 I kind of agree. I don't understand why a committed married couple doesn't want to operate as a unit and want to remain two individuals. Pooled resources is one of the benefits of marriage. When I meet a couple who keep separate finances I just assume they are not in a stable relationship and are keeping options open for separating easier. I know one couple well that keeps separate finances and its a constant frustration between them because they are always negotiating who pays for what and complaining that something isn't fair. I think you should give some serious thought to why you're not acting as one family unit.

I’ve been married 20 years. For 12 of that I was a SAHM and now I work at a nonprofit for $60K but I carry the health insurance for our family as well. My husband makes over $500. We have one bank account and don’t split hairs over money. We are married and share everything equally. The end.

My spouse makes 3x what I make. We have separate accounts, not really by design, but just ended up like that after years of not combining. My spouse also has a business so his pay is irregular. I pay certain bills, he pays certain bills. He tends to foot the really large purchases like landscaping or vacations. I don't ask what they cost because it stresses me out. It works for us.

We have a joint account and each have a separate account too. We have enough direct deposited into the joint account for our regular monthly expenses like mortgage, shared savings, and an amount designed to cover all the joint non-fixed expenses (groceries, home repairs, travel, etc.) which we put on a joint credit card and pay off monthly. We put equal amounts into this account each month, but the higher earner puts a lot more into retirement and has extra withheld for taxes (in years where we get a refund, that goes into our shared savings).

I like having the personal accounts because we can buy each other presents as a surprise and we don't have to justify what we spend on ourselves. I don't want to know what my wife pays to get her hair cut and colored, and she doesn't need to know how often I bought coffee or a snack when I was going into the office. She handles car maintenance on her own and I deal with our pets' needs; those balance out both in terms of money and mental load. Overall, it works well for us. We have similar financial goals and strategies and we are lucky to have plenty of money so it means we don't have to make hard decisions about things. We talk about financial stuff like what we'd need to achieve to retire early or whether we should refinance our mortgage or how to save for a home renovation, but it's pretty easy to come to a consensus.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have alway been partners. When we graduated law school he made $135k which seems like a fortune. I literally had no job. Today dh makes $100k in a job he loves and I make $3M+. The money is still all ours.

As a practical matter I pay for mortgages, vacations, credit cards etc. if his personal checking account gets lower than he is comfortable I just transfer money into. Most significant assets are held jointly although to keep liability from him a fair amount is now in just in my name. I’ve started funding assets titled in just his name to even it out a bit.

Wow sorry, you made a mistake with him. That is your money and you should not share it with him.

Yeah this guy sounds like a real schlep. Drop that zero and get with this hero

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have alway been partners. When we graduated law school he made $135k which seems like a fortune. I literally had no job. Today dh makes $100k in a job he loves and I make $3M+. The money is still all ours.

As a practical matter I pay for mortgages, vacations, credit cards etc. if his personal checking account gets lower than he is comfortable I just transfer money into. Most significant assets are held jointly although to keep liability from him a fair amount is now in just in my name. I’ve started funding assets titled in just his name to even it out a bit.

Wow sorry, you made a mistake with him. That is your money and you should not share it with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all belongs to both of us. One big pot that we each have equal say over.

this has been working for 25 years

This. You are a family.

You've been together for 10 years and just now thinking maybe a serious convo about how to share money is in order? I mean this kindly, I am concerned for you guys.

Anonymous wrote:^^Agree. I’m a lawyer and I “bean count” because I have a lot more assets. Haven’t ever had to use my “separate property” argument, but I have it if need be.

FWIW, using your reasoning, no one with a prenup would never work out, either.

I am a lawyer, and make anywhere from 6-8 times what my wife does, depending on the year. Ours all goes into one big pot. We live together, are going to retire together, send out kids to school together, etc. It makes sense to have a unified financial strategy - asset allocation, timing of different investments, etc.

"I have more assets" is not a reason, in and of itself to "bean count." I'm not saying you're doing something wrong - every couple should do what works for them. But I have more = necessarily bean counting is incorrect; there are other reasons you do that.