Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:40     Subject: Re:Affair recovery stories
OP, did you tell her spouse? I’m the pp with similar story. The married woman in my husbands affair was not in an open marriage or polyamorous just a serial cheater who used her husband. Sex with men while he was at work.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:36     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:OP here — I will post more when I have time. I would second the folks who have said it is the devastating pain you can imagine. Betrayal of trust with the person you have been intimately involved with for decades is extraordinarily difficult and I do not believe there will ever be full recovery for me whether we are together, apart, etc. Our marriage was good and there was plenty of love and enough sex (though not as much as either of us would have wanted as a result of parental and work exhaustion/ depletion). But childhood trauma and lack of parental role models for faithful marriage combined with depression and a tendency to look outside for validation can lead this to happen. I wish I had known all the risk factors and how would come out in his 50s. Keep the stories coming. I think my biggest fear is that all of the deep work he is doing now will somehow backslide and he will return to being selfish, immature, entitled, cold, dishonest, secretive, etc. But right now with almost 30 years together and his commitment to do anything for me every day until we die to make up for what he has done (knowing this may not be enough) and knowing he says he will keep doing the deep work even if he loses me just to be a good father and better person is attractive, I have read that what you really need is to learn how to trust yourself and know you will do what you have to do to protect yourself from anyone going forward. And folks, no one would have guessed him. Mutual friends have said he loves you and he must have stepped off a cliff to blow off his life. This can happen to anyone if it happened to us.


OP, I wish we could talk privately. Your story is exactly mine, almost verbatim. I have been with him for 24 years. It’s excruciating. I also doubt I can ever get over this betrayal. He has said the same exact thing about changing and doing therapy for life whether I leave him or not. He had a ton of childhood trauma that also came out at close to 50 and looks outside for validation, admiration and approval. Instead of booze (his father was booze and whores), his was women. I am also so disgusted with the married woman who was just like him. She had daddy issues and wasn’t sad when her father died last Fall. My dad was my best friend and suffered terminal cancer while this affair was going on and the grief was overwhelming because he was such a great man.

I also am just blown away by the ease of the double life. I now can’t take anything that comes out of his mouth as truth. Somebody I gave 100% trust and love to, never nagging, etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:31     Subject: Affair recovery stories
OP again — and in my case, it was 3 years but long distance so only saw about 6 times per year but did spend time on work trips together. The woman is a horrible fake piece of XXXX who is supposedly into polyamory but knew he was cheating and lying.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:29     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.


I have the same agreement with my spouse. I only want to know if they are planning on leaving me. I wonder if we are in a silent majority. What do I gain by finding out, other than the pain described above and the daunting decision to divorce or live with it


They won’t tell you that. The woman my husband started the AM affair with was all about “it’s just sex”. All loosely goosey, look how carefree and progressive I am.

He was her third ling affair. Her MO was a year or more in to profess love and push for running away together. Her husband has no idea she wants out. If he’s one of these “I don’t care, don’t tell me unless u plan on leaving”, he is for a rude awakening.

People with that type of arrangement have zero self-respect. Doormats.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:28     Subject: Affair recovery stories
OP here — I will post more when I have time. I would second the folks who have said it is the devastating pain you can imagine. Betrayal of trust with the person you have been intimately involved with for decades is extraordinarily difficult and I do not believe there will ever be full recovery for me whether we are together, apart, etc. Our marriage was good and there was plenty of love and enough sex (though not as much as either of us would have wanted as a result of parental and work exhaustion/ depletion). But childhood trauma and lack of parental role models for faithful marriage combined with depression and a tendency to look outside for validation can lead this to happen. I wish I had known all the risk factors and how would come out in his 50s. Keep the stories coming. I think my biggest fear is that all of the deep work he is doing now will somehow backslide and he will return to being selfish, immature, entitled, cold, dishonest, secretive, etc. But right now with almost 30 years together and his commitment to do anything for me every day until we die to make up for what he has done (knowing this may not be enough) and knowing he says he will keep doing the deep work even if he loses me just to be a good father and better person is attractive, I have read that what you really need is to learn how to trust yourself and know you will do what you have to do to protect yourself from anyone going forward. And folks, no one would have guessed him. Mutual friends have said he loves you and he must have stepped off a cliff to blow off his life. This can happen to anyone if it happened to us.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:26     Subject: Affair recovery stories
People assume it’s lack of sex. It’s not. Our marriage is awful. He has fits of rage all starting since we had kids. Resentment came in because of his fits of rage, he now resents me too because of my resentment towards him and now we can’t even look at each other. There are brief moments if happiness and I naively attempt at rekindling by showing interest and have also explicitly said we should make time to be intimate. He agrees at the moment and then just never follows through to the point of one time he exploded on me over dinner saying that he didn’t have time for it later that evening (in front of our children).

He hates me. I figure he is likely cheating using the excuse that his wife doesn’t want to be intimate but that is not the case at all. Our marriage is just doomed.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:12     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.


He sounds like a p@ssy.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:11     Subject: Affair recovery stories
GPS, tracking, etc. -- I just couldn't have the heart. Either you have trust or you don't. I don't think I would want too many details if the woman is not someone I know or ever will meet. I don't need those scenes playing in my mind.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:07     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.


I have the same agreement with my spouse. I only want to know if they are planning on leaving me. I wonder if we are in a silent majority. What do I gain by finding out, other than the pain described above and the daunting decision to divorce or live with it
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 10:04     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Before we married DH told me that if I ever had an affair he did not want me to tell him. He said it was selfish to hurt the other person with that information.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 09:19     Subject: Affair recovery stories
I recovered the texts and learned that DH entirely lied about the extent and nature of the affair. He also claimed he’d come clean on his own because he wanted to be honest and was working on being a better person. What crap! The AP had threatened to tell me if he didn’t. The affair and then the lies were too much.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 09:16     Subject: Re:Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:I hope her/his spouse discovers it. I sincerely hope the person planning to tell the betrayed spouse is the same one this cheater helped betrayed.


Yeah. 4 years. The spouse needs to tell the other betrayed spouse. No bones about it. I’d feel differently about something short, but FOUR years? WTF?!
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 09:10     Subject: Re:Affair recovery stories
I hope her/his spouse discovers it. I sincerely hope the person planning to tell the betrayed spouse is the same one this cheater helped betrayed.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 08:58     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.


How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.


Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.


No it doesn't. it signals they got away with it for a long time and knew how to hide it better.


Plus one. I am out of a 4 year affair. It just fizzled. We aren't even in communication, went from weekly "how's it going" to monthly and now has been seven months. Sometimes, it's just sex and passion that was missing in the marriage.


Why are you posting in an affair recovery thread? You are not offering anything if you are still keeping the lie to yourself. What have you done to help your spouse recover and you to change your disgusting behavior? How have you made amends? If the OP knows, have you issues an apology? Or, do you still think you did nothing wrong?


I posted only to support the idea that not every affair is some deep heartfelt connection. Of course I cared for my affair partner, but it wasn't the same as the love for my spouse whom I have a long connection and raised children with. If there was a way of getting what I couldn't out of my relationship which was sex and intimacy. Perhaps those things will be less important as we age, but yes my affair like others was a substitute for the lack of sex in my marriage no matter how hard I tried to get my spouse to be interested in that aspect.

if you are a sexually loving and open person to your spouse, then my situation doesn't apply to you and no need for you to be defensive


I was. We had sex 3-4 times per week. He did amazing things for me and vice versa. We had deep intimate talks. And he banged some woman for 4 years...which is crazy. Nobody that knew him (long time friends, family, neighbors) had any clue because in life/work/friendships he is upstanding, honest, compassionate, etc. He did have a VERY traumatic childhood.

So- parties that have affairs with married people with kids are awful. They destroy families. When your AP’s spouse tells yours, you will witness this pain and devastation firsthand. Good luck with that.
Anonymous
Post 07/12/2020 08:53     Subject: Affair recovery stories
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess I'll be the unicorn. Spouse had an affair after 4 years of marriage. He confessed, was remorseful, wanted to stay married. We worked through things in therapy for about a year.

That was 25 years ago. We've had a strong, happy marriage. I sincerely believe he has never cheated again.


How long was the affair?

My spouse’s was multi-year, but they didn’t see each other over the summers and 1-2 times per month the rest of the year.


Multi-year signals a strong emotional bond and even if they were not physical they were likely connecting on an emotional level particularly if it was a work affair and could use landlines to talk.


No it doesn't. it signals they got away with it for a long time and knew how to hide it better.


Plus one. I am out of a 4 year affair. It just fizzled. We aren't even in communication, went from weekly "how's it going" to monthly and now has been seven months. Sometimes, it's just sex and passion that was missing in the marriage.


Why are you posting in an affair recovery thread? You are not offering anything if you are still keeping the lie to yourself. What have you done to help your spouse recover and you to change your disgusting behavior? How have you made amends? If the OP knows, have you issues an apology? Or, do you still think you did nothing wrong?


I posted only to support the idea that not every affair is some deep heartfelt connection. Of course I cared for my affair partner, but it wasn't the same as the love for my spouse whom I have a long connection and raised children with. If there was a way of getting what I couldn't out of my relationship which was sex and intimacy. Perhaps those things will be less important as we age, but yes my affair like others was a substitute for the lack of sex in my marriage no matter how hard I tried to get my spouse to be interested in that aspect.

if you are a sexually loving and open person to your spouse, then my situation doesn't apply to you and no need for you to be defensive