Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

The flip side of that is it would be so easy for pedophiles to switch from the word secret to surprise. The secret/surprise dichotomy is a false sense of security for parents to protect against predators. And the real issue here is DH and MIL not respecting OP's boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

In most cases, the person who sexually abuses a child is an adult or older child known to the victim, often an authority figure that the child knows, trusts or loves. The offender usually uses coercion and manipulation, not physical force, to engage the child.

Anonymous wrote:

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Kids are most likely to be sexually abused by someone known to them. It is understandably too confusing for them to sort our, say, grandma’s secret from abusive uncle’s secret. They cannot judge which one is not okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife (we are a wife/wife family fyi) had a very odd reaction to a little game the kids started with my mom. We just recently a few weeks ago expanded our bubble and a big part of that has been seeing both my mom and wife parents as well. My oldest (5) told my wife and myself she has a secret thing she does with grandma when baby is asleep. She was all giggles and my wife laughed and played along for a second but then it turned and she got mad. She said it wasnt appropriate for my mom go "do this to Larla, and set these expectations/secret traps." I think shes crazy and we both know my mom wouldnt start anything dangerous. She really didn't come around and really emphasized it made her feel uncomfortable. The secret by the way is they eat popsicles in bed and watch butterbean cafe when the baby is asleep. Totally innocent and something a 5 yr old would think is fun and scandalous. What am I not seeing here? I'm not even particularly close with my mom but dont see any real issue here.

Your Wife is right. teach your child no secrets In our family only surprises. Sadly sex predators exploit this ‘game’. My mom does the same thing and I had to correct her, which flustered her of course. It’s nothing against your mom it’s the precedent it sets for the child. You basically want your kid to say ‘grandma we don’t have secrets in our family but we can have surprises!’

Well, your first statement is true but your conclusion is completely off-base.

Kids are more likely to be abused by someone known to them. However, if a kid doesn't tell or they tell and the adult doesn't act, then that is more evidence of failure in other adults parts and NOT an indication that a kid can't judge whom to trust and whom to not trust. Kids are pretty savvy that way.

So secrets are bad and surprises are okay but parents shouldn't raise kids who cannot and will not trust anyone. That is very, very bad.

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really cute and sweet to me, OP. I think your wife is overreacting, just like all these "all grandparents are pedophiles!" PPs. Your 5 year old - who shared the "secret" with you anyway, for crying out loud! - has more sense than any of them.

Anonymous wrote:

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Kids are most likely to be sexually abused by someone known to them. It is understandably too confusing for them to sort our, say, grandma’s secret from abusive uncle’s secret. They cannot judge which one is not okay.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this honestly. You need to stop posting about every single issue with your wife. You also need to stop overthinking and not hearing your wife. You see every single thing as some attack. It is unhealthy.

Not the Op, but how crazy for you to assume it’s the same person. Dh and I had this same talk with my MIL a few years back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Really little kids are, in fact, not always capable of making that distinction.

As evidenced by LIFE. Sandusky, Nassir, ice skating coaches (rampant problem in that sport), priest, etc. Do you ever read a newspaper?

There is a huge difference between the names and figures you're quoting and OP's mother. Please get a grip and don't raise your child to be afraid of everything and everyone. You're doing more harm than good when you do that. Even a toddler can tell the difference between Grandma and the stranger down the street. And OP would not be randomly leaving her kid with the stranger down the street. It is very worrisome about the state of your mental health that you don't understand this.

FWIW I work with high risk kids, these are kids who actually -have- been emotionally, sexually and physically abused by friends, family and strangers. One stand out take-away from my work is that many of the kids I work with never been taught to distinguish between whom they can trust and whom they can't. So many of them don't have a sensor and they either trust everyone or they trust no one. Neither absolute of the trust continuum is good.

In general kids need to be told repeatedly that they should not keep secrets from their parents or caregivers because those are the person who need to know enough about their lives to keep them safe. So secrets are not good while surprises are okay.

However, kids also need to hear that their parents and guardians trust their (kids) health and well-being to other people, like Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd. Parents and guardians also should tell the kids that they want the kids to tell them if there is ever anything that makes them worry about Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd.

Frankly if everyone is communicating and parents/guardians are acting within their responsibility areas then the likelihood of abuse goes way down.

I think the issue is that it would be so easy for grandma to switch from the word secret to surprise. It shouldn’t be up to a child to decide who it’s ok to keep secrets from mom with.

Another issue with your post, and not necessarily applicable to OP’s situation, but sometimes parents trust caregivers they shouldn’t. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, babysitter, uncle, or hell, sometimes it’s even the parent, who is abusing the child. If you deal with abuse, then you must know the stats about how often it is someone you know and trust vs some random lady down the street. You also must be familiar with how many victims the average child predator has, and how charming and successful they are to gain access to so many children. If it were easy for kids to navigate and protect themselves, abuse wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and we wouldn’t have to train children and adults to be wary, even of people we should be able to trust.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry that y'all have parents who are pedophiles and will rape your children. I cannot empathize at all. People in our social circle are not worried that their parents will rape their children and they don't get offended about every little thing that the grandparents do. YMMV.

You’re an idiot. No one here is worried the grandparents will do anything inappropriate- learn reading comprehension. Little kids aren’t exactly good at nuance - understanding secrets are only ok from grandma/certain adults vs their soccer coach. So you draw a firm line that there are no secrets. It’s not hard to understand and I’d rather be thought of as over protective than regret it. When stories like Sandusky come around, you never hear parents saying oh yeah, definitely suspected it. People are always shocked.

DP. Kids are capable of understanding that grandma is different than a stranger or even the lady next door. When you teach in absolutes you do more harm than good.

Really little kids are, in fact, not always capable of making that distinction.

As evidenced by LIFE. Sandusky, Nassir, ice skating coaches (rampant problem in that sport), priest, etc. Do you ever read a newspaper?

There is a huge difference between the names and figures you're quoting and OP's mother. Please get a grip and don't raise your child to be afraid of everything and everyone. You're doing more harm than good when you do that. Even a toddler can tell the difference between Grandma and the stranger down the street. And OP would not be randomly leaving her kid with the stranger down the street. It is very worrisome about the state of your mental health that you don't understand this.

FWIW I work with high risk kids, these are kids who actually -have- been emotionally, sexually and physically abused by friends, family and strangers. One stand out take-away from my work is that many of the kids I work with never been taught to distinguish between whom they can trust and whom they can't. So many of them don't have a sensor and they either trust everyone or they trust no one. Neither absolute of the trust continuum is good.

In general kids need to be told repeatedly that they should not keep secrets from their parents or caregivers because those are the person who need to know enough about their lives to keep them safe. So secrets are not good while surprises are okay.

However, kids also need to hear that their parents and guardians trust their (kids) health and well-being to other people, like Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd. Parents and guardians also should tell the kids that they want the kids to tell them if there is ever anything that makes them worry about Grandma or Aunt Margie or Babysitter Todd.

Frankly if everyone is communicating and parents/guardians are acting within their responsibility areas then the likelihood of abuse goes way down.

Anonymous wrote:I bet you op and her wife are nuts about sugar and grandma gave granddd an ice cream! If it is something like that what is sad is that grandma feels she needs to keep it a secret something so innocent. Most likely bcs she knows her own grandma and DIL will overact like nuts. Or, the horror she gave kid some fruit! We all know lunatics on dcum who deny their kids fruit bcs it has sugar!