Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.

We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise.

His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process.

My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy.

If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet.

Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner?

The bolded is the problem. You've been together for a year, you're 32, you're looking towards being life partners, but you can't have a difficult conversation? That's a major, major problem. Maybe you can work out a living arrangement that will suit you both, maybe you can't. But if you can't have an open, honest conversation about each other's preferences, needs, and goals, this will never work out.

Anonymous wrote:It seems a little unusual to me that adults - married adults no less! - in their 30s would live in a group house, and one that they CO OWN at that! Did you say they rent a room to a 4th person? Was it a move to financial independence with a house they were already living in and the landlord was agreeable? It seems so short sighted. What about when the married couple wants to have children -- they do this in the group house or they have to time it around a lease? Is every party capable of buying the other out? Are they stuck?

I wouldn't be interested in that at all. I can also understand why your boyfriend doesn't want to move to MD.

Usually, when two adults move in together and both living situations are less than ideal and they can afford it, they move to a NEW place they can split the rent on. Your boyfriend can do this while retaining his ownership in the house. Seems like you two would move to Silver Spring or something. I mean, you're in your almost mid 30s. There is no need to live in the middle of a downtown or in a suburb, but if no one is willing to compromise, then there's not much you can do.

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.

We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise.

His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process.

My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy.

If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet.

Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner?

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.

We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise.

His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process.

My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy.

If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet.

Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not compatible. Move on.

How much moving on can a 32 year old woman do during a pandemic?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived with my husband for nearly 5 years and we bought a home together before marrying so obviously I have no issue with cohabitation.

But no way would I ever, EVER, under any circumstances barring financial ruin, agree to move into a room in group house situation with multiple housemates as a 32 year old. To me that's a sign they are still in college mode.

Or it could mean they’re not high earners despite being gainfully employed and can’t afford the outrageous rents. Or it could mean they enjoy a family type setting. It could mean a lot of things that aren’t necessarily negative.

I think it sounds amazing. I lived with a married couple and their sister after college. I was able to save so much money because they gave me a very inexpensive rent, I was helping them afford a nicer house (they owened). We had family meals a few times a week (less cooking) and it was really fun. I would love to do something similar now if I had the right house and right friends. And we are all high-earners, this wouldn’t be our ornament necessity.

That said, different people like different things. I wouldn’t give up your apartment, OP. And I wouldn’t move in without being engaged.