OP, I do not believe you are currently in therapy with a Licensed professional who would tell you to do this. I am very concerned for you. I am very concerned that you’re setting yourself up to be more hurt unnecessarily. I am very concerned that you are with a judgemental abusive husband. I am very concerned that you are focusing on a potential child that you chose not to have rather than the actual children who are here in real life.

Here is what you can do right now:

Write the story of this imagine conversation with your ex-boyfriend. Write the absolute happiest possible ending for the story. If this were a fairytale what would happen during and after that conversation? Would he take you into his arms? Would he confess that he has thought of you every day for the past 20 years and he thinks you are the one who got away? Would he offer you absolution and tell you that you made the absolute right decision? Or are you and are you actually looking to punish Yourself further. Is there a part of you that’s expecting him to call you a bad person or a murder or something horrible.

Then write down two lists: one, the top three ways that having this conversation will make his life better. Two, the top three ways that having this conversation will make your life better.

I can’t see any possible way this could go well? What is your dream of how it would go?

Anonymous wrote:Op, I know it feels that the abortion is the cause of all this.

But it's not. You have mental health issues. If it hadnt been the abortion, something else would be the setting off point. It was just a matter of time until the wall holding back your problems broke.

Please get a new therapist.

Yup. I said the same thing upthread. I say this as someone who has also battled PTSD and depression for over 20 years.

Op, I know it feels that the abortion is the cause of all this.

But it's not. You have mental health issues. If it hadnt been the abortion, something else would be the setting off point. It was just a matter of time until the wall holding back your problems broke.

Please get a new therapist.

Please look at your live children and just love them. I had quite a few miscarriages and I always told myself that those souls went into my current children. That I was destined to have the number of children I have, just the timing was different. These souls were the children I was always meant to have (If that makes any sense!) If I hadn't had those miscarriages, I wouldn't have had my current children (one was conceived very shortly after so for sure couldn't have been born). If you had your baby, you wouldn't have your current children. It would have changed your life very drastically and likely for the bad.

I'm sorry your DH was nasty when you told him about the abortion. He's who should have comforted you more.

From what I've read about PTSD, the best cure is working through it and talking about it. In your case, you need to journal. You need to write about it all. You might even find relief from having a memorial to your child (burying or even burning something from that time period to give you closure).

Currently you're regretting the 20 years you feel that were stolen from you, well likely you have another 40 years left. Do you want to waste them too? Please seek more help

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

...

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

WHOAH. Talk about burying the lede. The problem isn't the abortion you had 20 years ago. The problem is that your husband thought it was okay to make his pregnant wife "feel like dirt" about it, and that you don't see that's a problem.

Use your counseling dollars to deal with this, not the long-past abortion that's become the focal point of your unhappiness.

Completely agree. You are living with a man who you know thinks less of you for making a difficult choice over 20 years ago. Do you ever talk about it with your husband? How is your marriage?

NOOO do not tell him!

I think what you need to get over is this grudge you hold against him for getting off scot free. You cannot blame him for something he didn't know.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

...

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

WHOAH. Talk about burying the lede. The problem isn't the abortion you had 20 years ago. The problem is that your husband thought it was okay to make his pregnant wife "feel like dirt" about it, and that you don't see that's a problem.

Use your counseling dollars to deal with this, not the long-past abortion that's become the focal point of your unhappiness.

Anonymous wrote:Go for it!! I think he has a right to know.

I'd say the only advantage to telling him would be to retroactively convince him he shouldn't have been having sex if he didn't want to have kids. And may be to punish him for having sex.

No. This will not help you in anyway. Do you really think he will have anything nice to say? Do you think he will forgive you and then you can forgive yourself? The answer to both of these is no.

Anonymous wrote:I mean this as delicately as possible, but when you say you've been in counseling, do you mean with a licensed counselor or with an actual MD or PhD?

If it's the first, please seek help from one of the latter two.

I'm a Psychiatrist and receive a lot of patients who have been receiving antidepressants from their primary care physicians and then seeing someone like a licensed counselor in order to go the cheaper route. I get that therapy is expensive, but having once doctor who can control your meds and check in with your mental health is very important.

I have gone to LCSWs for talk therapy and have an MD to manage my medications.

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is a BIG difference between telling him in the first 3 years and telling him 20 years later. I've also had an abortion so I do get it.

But 20 years later, it should not be impacting you this much. You need to have your husband step up and take over some things so you can get therapy. No excuses. You need to do this for you. There is no reason you can't carve out 1 hr a week (I like online therapy) to help yourself

This. Three years ago and twenty years ago are completely different. What a therapist recommended three years ago is completely different from what a therapist would recommend about something that occured twenty years in the past.

OP, the boyfriend really didn't want to get married and have children then, he shouldn't have really been having sex in the first place since he knew that, and you were all over the place with the pills, day after pill versus abortion, etc...

OP, your obsession about what happened 20 years ago is hurting your life now. The boyfriend obviously didn't care that much and moved on. He probably wouldn't have cared, and may have been furious and dumped you, if he knew you became pregnant partially as a result of being careless with medication. After being very clear he did not want kids with you then.
Stop obsessing. Because the obsessing sounds like it's the real problem.

See a new therapist now. Heck, even a cheap online therapist might be better than dredging up advice from 17 years ago. Or, at least go to a PhD / MD therapist to be evaluated and then try some meds.

When I entered middle age, I had lots of "what if" regrets at that time too. They weren't really rational and took a lot away from my actual life. Therapy did help.

I can put myself in the shoes of this man. I would not have wanted for it to have happened and I would not now want to know now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your clarification makes it clear that you are, or were, religious too. It seems like a lot of your guilt is rooted there. Maybe that is something that you could investigate with a new therapist.

This is the OP. I am not religious and pro-choice. A friend that I had confided in didn't know how to help me and took me to see her priest!

OP you have my sympathy. I had an abortion ... while married. Yes, with my husband's child. Yes, he knew. He was the one who wanted it. It totally messed me up. So I'm so sorry, and I'm glad you are in counseling.

Go for it!! I think he has a right to know.

He is not your therapist.

Get help to figure out why you are letting this drag you down decades after it happened.

I would leave him alone.

This can only make him think less of you. Why risk him being haunted like you are.