Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father died recently and while going through his possessions I found evidence I have a half sibling that was never disclosed. Person was born before my parents marriage and is a few years older than me. Story was that father essentially abandoned the child with the mother and never really acknowledged the child's existence other than child support payments. Ok that was 30+ years ago. I did some public internet searches...Google, Facebook, etc. The mother and half sibling seem normal.

Question here is would you make contact? I have no idea if this person even knows about their past or what the mother has told the half sibling.

I am not sure what I hope to gain out of making contact, maybe it is just selfish.

I would make contact, but in such a way that the half sibling doesn't feel obligated to connect or meet you. Just be honest that your dad died and you just found out about them. Make an offering of some photos of your father and his parents and some family history. Don't have an expectation of a relationship. Just hope for an interesting meeting, and perhaps, eventually a new acquaintance.

I have a half-sibling (given up for adoption by my mom in the 1960s), who made contact in the 1990s. It's been a nice relationship - like another cousin. I found a half-sibling of one of my mother's cousins through DNA testing two years ago. My great-uncle had had an affair with the neighbor. Both families knew about the affair and spouses reconciled, but everyone thought the baby was legitimate. Those half-siblings (in their 70s now) met last year, and really enjoyed seeing someone who had so many similarities.

With DNA testing, this type of "secret" really isn't so secret anymore. And you don't even have control over discovery. All it takes is a cousin getting a test and then trying to figure out who the odd match is ...

Good luck!

You are correct...DNA testing uncovers all these secrets so there is zero need to wonder what to do. It's already out there.
However, please stop using the terms legitimate and illegitimate. They are really stupid, and kind of a throw back to a time when people were described as legitimate people or not. This kind of judgement does not fly today because people are not judged whether or not they have sex outside of marriage. The offspring of such is quite the legitimate person.

DP. About the bold in your post -- No, not everyone has their DNA "out there" or wants it out there for public consumption!

And saying "there is zero need to wonder what to do" -- do you actually mean that you think people should go ahead, if they want, and contact genetic relatives without a thought, because "it's already out there"? Do you think that those who have given samples for DNA tests all anticipated those tests could end up being used the way it's talked about on this thread? News flash: No, they didn't all anticipate this. And saying, "Well, they should have, so it's too bad if they don't want the free-for-all of anyone matching DNA with theirs!" is just mean. So many lives are getting upended by this "I found you on Ancestry" stuff. Many people who did those kinds of tests did so while seeking information on what countries and groups their ancestors were part of -- not because they thought that specific, current relatives would come out of the woodwork here and now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I will add that I am not even sure half sibling knows of their past. I pulled the birth certificate and an adoptive father is listed. For all I know half sibling thinks the guy is biological father. I just don't want to throw a wrench into any good family dynamics. The mother has been with the adoptive father since early 1990s and Facebook pictures show a happy family and married couple.

The mom might think the "adoptive father" is the biological father, too. You could really cause some serious emotional harm contacting these people.

This is an excellent point. OP, please consider this before you go hunting down someone and declaring, your dad was my dad too and I've got DNA evidence to prove it. So much could be upended for not only that person but also that person's mother, adoptive father, other siblings from that marriage, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

This is absolutely not one of those things best left alone. Abandoned children in this situation deserve information and closure. You’re pretty appallingly selfish.

And yes my family has been in this situation.

NP and not the PP to whom you are responding but re: the bold above: What if the "abandoned child," now an adult, has no idea that he or she was ever indeed "abandoned"? When you were in this situation yourself, did the adult half-sibling know all the details? If a person has grown up with another parent or set or parents and not been told about true parentage on one side, for instance, why is it the role of half-siblings from a completely unknown past to come forward and tell that adult the truth, if the mother made different choices about what to tell the child?

I realize that last sentence may sound snarky, PP, but it truly is not meant to be. I'm asking honestly -- if it's a situation where the newly discovered half-sibling has no idea about the "abandonment" and doesn't even know that someone else is his or her birth father, why do other siblings they don't know about get a right to give them "closure" for something they never knew was supposedly unresolved? Maybe your case was one where the half-sibling was aware of the abandonment. But what about cases where that's not true? Do siblings get to sweep in and say, your mother lied to you all your life, we strangers are going to set it all straight?

I'm pretty sure I have a half sibling who lives a few miles away. Their parent and my parent are from the same tiny town in another state (she moved here after my father did), the timing is right, the possible half sibling look just like my Dad and my Dad out of the blue offered to put them through college. Hmm.

I've been mulling this all over for 20 years. I'm sure it would be like kicking a hornet's nest if it ever came out. My father and mother and the other parents came to an arrangement so they could all live in peace. Why disrupt that?

Leave it alone. You would likely just hear some crappy stuff about your father and how he treated his kid badly. If your Dad was decent to you and your siblings, how do you think it would make the rejected offspring feel?

Some bones best stay buried.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the half sibling in this scenario. I refused contact. This other person or her father mean nothing to me. She has her life, I have mine, and I don't want her in mine.

Wow. It is sad that so many are close minded. You would choose the “eyes wide shut” pill in the Matrix. I feel sorry for you.

Who the hell are you to decide how others should feel or live? What a kook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Well you are a real gem, aren't you? Contact did not cause pain, you did! You threw a hissy fit and got your way and choose to cause a rift. What an absolute drama lover. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Your siblings dislike you, you know that right?

This MUST be a sock puppet. I seriously doubt many people are having this visceral reaction to the PPs actual, lived experience. She is telling the OP one possible scenario. She experienced it herself. I have no idea what everyone is piling on her but .... again, I'm guessing it's one, maybe 2 people.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I will add that I am not even sure half sibling knows of their past. I pulled the birth certificate and an adoptive father is listed. For all I know half sibling thinks the guy is biological father. I just don't want to throw a wrench into any good family dynamics. The mother has been with the adoptive father since early 1990s and Facebook pictures show a happy family and married couple.

The mom might think the "adoptive father" is the biological father, too. You could really cause some serious emotional harm contacting these people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

This. What is this all or nothing crap? If all of you don't agree none of you can be in contact with the sibling? I don't have to consult you about the decisions I make for me and my life. You didn't have to meet the sibling if you didn't want to, that's your business. What a miserable person you must be.

Totally disagree. They did something that profoundly affected PP's life, too. This take above is crazy. I'm on team PP (and no, I am not that PP).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe contact the mother, if you must. I have a half sibling (different circumstances, but similar actions by my dad). Some of my siblings choose to contact her, which caused a rift between us. Ultimately, my siblings essentially ghosted half sibling in an attempt to fix things with our sibling group. Long story short: contact caused more pain than if they just left it alone.

Sounds like you were opposed to contact and threw a snit when your full sibs went ahead anyway.

I wasn't consulted or even given a heads up beforehand. It felt like a betrayal, honestly. They made a decision for me and I made my own decision when I was told what they did. I did not meet my half sibling. If they had discussed it with me, I would have discouraged them. They ultimately couldn't handle the new relationship and bailed. They hurt me, our half sister and each other. Some things are best left alone.

They did not make a decision for you. They made a decision for them. If you didn’t want contact, fine, but you should have been supportive for them. Sounds like you ruined everyone.

They should have worked together. You have a very strange idea of what people owe each other -- i.e., nothing. Unless someone does something YOU object to. Either PPs sibs should have consulted with PP and worked together, or PP has a right to do whatever the hell she sees fit in response. One or the other.

This happened to my mom when one of her parents died, but he told her (vs. her finding out via going through possessions). We have enough info to find her but she is not interested in pursuing it. I would be if I were her.

Anonymous wrote:My father died recently and while going through his possessions I found evidence I have a half sibling that was never disclosed. Person was born before my parents marriage and is a few years older than me. Story was that father essentially abandoned the child with the mother and never really acknowledged the child's existence other than child support payments. Ok that was 30+ years ago. I did some public internet searches...Google, Facebook, etc. The mother and half sibling seem normal.

Question here is would you make contact? I have no idea if this person even knows about their past or what the mother has told the half sibling.

I am not sure what I hope to gain out of making contact, maybe it is just selfish.

It happened to me, only in my case the older sibling reached out, saying that he knew about me all along but my father and mother were against us meeting. My Dad was not involved in his life other than child support. I insisted on a DNA test, he was somewhat taken aback but did it. Yes, we are siblings, but we are very different. We met exactly once, although he wanted more of a relationship. I just wasn't that interested, I was fine being an only child, with my own family and there comes this man with his big brood and "let's all vacation together, let's all hang out". He just seemed very pushy.

Anonymous wrote:How did all you people actually make contact? Random phone call, show up at their front door, add friend on Facebook, postal letter?

I sent a message in FB. However, this was after failed attempts by phone and mail. All were the wrong guy. On FB, the name was right and he looked just like my dad, brothers, and male paternal first cousins.

About 25 years ago my mother was contacted via open records by a daughter she'd had out of wedlock just as she was finishing high school. She was given up at birth to a family who dearly wanted a child. It was a very healing thing for my mom, aunts, and grandmother. Half sister had a great, UMC upbringing. The adoptive mother was threatened but came around, especially some years later when she herself was dying. She knew half-sister would have family connection.

My sisters and I didn't know of her existence or of this painful chapter in our mother's life. One sister was cool, but the other one and I embraced it. She's been a wonderful addition to our lives. Kind of a cousin or aunt type figure given the age difference. Half sister has shown up for important life events, funerals, weddings and such. She is kind and generous to all the nieces and nephews. It's been a positive thing.

Every situation is going to be different. OP, Kudos to your late dad for stepping up being financially responsible. I hope there is at least a positive meeting with you half sibling.

My family member was found by his half siblings and was contacted on social media. It has been positive to neutral for him. Rest of the halfbsiblings are very close and expected to bring him into the fold, but since he has a full life/existing family he kept some distance.

Knowing his siblings helped resolve some questions about his birth parents and hearing how his siblings were raised led him to decline to meet his surviving birth parent.