Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 20:28     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:I married an excellent guy and I’d encourage my daughters to marry such. He makes 50%, does 50% household chores and loves his children. We both came from excellent families who prioritized all of that. His dad has always done tons of chores. I’m raising my son to not be lazy or take advantage of women


It's nice to hear this. If more sons were raised to consider helping around the house normal then there wouldn't be this type of tension in a marriage.

If women are working now it's common sense that the household chores have to be split up.

My DH also had to help around the house when he was younger and we have no issues in regard to sharing duties.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 20:01     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Don’t get married until at least 30.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 15:50     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
On the nature of live to work vs. work to live

Live to work makes the most sense because the average professional spends most people of their waking hours (9-10 +) at work so make sure you pick something you like.

The more you enjoy it the better. You’re totally screwed if you don’t.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 15:46     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:I now teach my children about mental illnesses, ADHD, ASD as well as communication skills.

Most of all they need to confidence to walk away from red flags.


Whew, that hits home.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 14:42     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?


Just want to point out that I'm not that much younger than you - nearly 40 - but in my circle, all the women work and all the husbands are incredibly proud of their achievements. My husband is an equal contributor to the household - there's nothing I do that he won't or can't. And the girls I went to school with who were beautiful and well maintained but slacked off? They're working in food service, waiting tables and bartending - nothing wrong with hard work, but they aren't SAHMs living in luxury. We plan our vacations together. Your experience isn't the norm for everyone and may or may not apply to your daughters, depending on where they decide to live and what they do with their lives.


I am 50 and my neighbors, girlfriends, college roommates are all like you an me, e..g, successful, beautiful, with husbands that love that they have careers. My own father was very progressive and was a HUGE help with kids and cooking and supporting my mom.

I am sorry, but OP's experience is NOT at all like me and my GenX female family members and friends. Not at all. I agree--the girls that were all about looks in HS/college are the ones that did not turn out well. Multiple divorces and service, barista, bartender jobs like you describe.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 12:54     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Ugh. The OP is so awful and depressing. I am 40 and was raised the same way OP was - study hard, take care of myself. I'm now married with three kids. My husband and I decided at some point that my career would come first because it had more potential. He figured out how to work from home (though still brings in about the same $ as I do). He picks up all the child-care slack, while I still do most of the cooking, shopping, and laundry. I hope my daughter and my two sons look at us as an example of a good team - which is all I hope for them in terms of finding a good partner, though our focus on their individual development is to be able to support themselves.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 11:39     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. I hesitated getting married because the first fight I had with my ex-DH at 4 months of dating is that his future wife had to earn 100k a year. I was appalled. I said I would never have his kids.

I overlooked the argument. Biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward pressured me into pregnancy. Could not get out easily. Second accident kid a few years later.

A crappy 10-year marriage and he did marry me for my earning power. 100% But he also expected me to follow him (and I did) to the detriment of my own career and be a WOH mom and a SAM in one person. Misery.

I have already told my daughters they do not have to get married. They do not have to have kids. It is their choice. I just want them to be happy. They are not old enough to date so I do not have advice on choosing a husband but I could say some things. But mostly, my advice would be "don't do it." I do not see any advantage for women nowadays if they woman works outside the home. None.

I am


Respectfully, this sounds like an argument for teaching your kids not to ignore red flags like you did, rather than a cautionary tale about marriage.


PP here. I would still tell my kids to look out for red flags, but even without my personal ancedote, I think marriage is a bad deal for women now. Period. I do not think the model works well at all. I have also seen this in other friends and families marriages. It is an outdated institution. This belief has come with age. Many, many other woman agree with me.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 11:37     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. I hesitated getting married because the first fight I had with my ex-DH at 4 months of dating is that his future wife had to earn 100k a year. I was appalled. I said I would never have his kids.

I overlooked the argument. Biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward pressured me into pregnancy. Could not get out easily. Second accident kid a few years later.

A crappy 10-year marriage and he did marry me for my earning power. 100% But he also expected me to follow him (and I did) to the detriment of my own career and be a WOH mom and a SAM in one person. Misery.

I have already told my daughters they do not have to get married. They do not have to have kids. It is their choice. I just want them to be happy. They are not old enough to date so I do not have advice on choosing a husband but I could say some things. But mostly, my advice would be "don't do it." I do not see any advantage for women nowadays if they woman works outside the home. None.

I am


are you white or ethnic?


PP here. I am white. I was raising very traditionally though. Everyone was telling me I should get married because I was getting "too old." I was in my early 30s. I would have preferred to stay single unless the right guy came along.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 10:08     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. I hesitated getting married because the first fight I had with my ex-DH at 4 months of dating is that his future wife had to earn 100k a year. I was appalled. I said I would never have his kids.

I overlooked the argument. Biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward pressured me into pregnancy. Could not get out easily. Second accident kid a few years later.

A crappy 10-year marriage and he did marry me for my earning power. 100% But he also expected me to follow him (and I did) to the detriment of my own career and be a WOH mom and a SAM in one person. Misery.

I have already told my daughters they do not have to get married. They do not have to have kids. It is their choice. I just want them to be happy. They are not old enough to date so I do not have advice on choosing a husband but I could say some things. But mostly, my advice would be "don't do it." I do not see any advantage for women nowadays if they woman works outside the home. None.

I am


Respectfully, this sounds like an argument for teaching your kids not to ignore red flags like you did, rather than a cautionary tale about marriage.


I am like you, PP. I have told my kids that there are other ways to happiness and wellness than marriage. No need to get married or have kids. Know yourself, determine what your goals are and lay down the tracks to get there. Then put yourself first, because noone else will.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 10:02     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?


Just want to point out that I'm not that much younger than you - nearly 40 - but in my circle, all the women work and all the husbands are incredibly proud of their achievements. My husband is an equal contributor to the household - there's nothing I do that he won't or can't. And the girls I went to school with who were beautiful and well maintained but slacked off? They're working in food service, waiting tables and bartending - nothing wrong with hard work, but they aren't SAHMs living in luxury. We plan our vacations together. Your experience isn't the norm for everyone and may or may not apply to your daughters, depending on where they decide to live and what they do with their lives.


That should say "my husband and I plan our vacations together".
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 10:01     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:In my generation (mid-40s), I was raised to be a “good girl”, study hard, get good grades, participate in various activities and then went on to college and graduate school. I was taught a strong work ethic will be rewarded. Now, I have a good career and a husband and sons. I sort of think if I had daughters I might do things differently and not emphasize the studying/career as much. Maybe it’s because the girls I went to school with who slacked off but did their hair and makeup like pros are now SAHWs without the pressure of work and are SIP in vacation homes. My DH (or probably any guy) doesn’t care about my career, he is not unsupportive but he didn’t marry me for my earning power. DH cares that I keep the house running and the kids functioning or that I plan our vacation. I don’t know a single relationship where there are not higher expectations placed on wives with respect to the house and the kids. Those of you with daughters how do you prepare them for this reality? Do you explain that professional success is not viewed in relationships the same for men and women?


Just want to point out that I'm not that much younger than you - nearly 40 - but in my circle, all the women work and all the husbands are incredibly proud of their achievements. My husband is an equal contributor to the household - there's nothing I do that he won't or can't. And the girls I went to school with who were beautiful and well maintained but slacked off? They're working in food service, waiting tables and bartending - nothing wrong with hard work, but they aren't SAHMs living in luxury. We plan our vacations together. Your experience isn't the norm for everyone and may or may not apply to your daughters, depending on where they decide to live and what they do with their lives.
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 09:54     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. I hesitated getting married because the first fight I had with my ex-DH at 4 months of dating is that his future wife had to earn 100k a year. I was appalled. I said I would never have his kids.

I overlooked the argument. Biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward pressured me into pregnancy. Could not get out easily. Second accident kid a few years later.

A crappy 10-year marriage and he did marry me for my earning power. 100% But he also expected me to follow him (and I did) to the detriment of my own career and be a WOH mom and a SAM in one person. Misery.

I have already told my daughters they do not have to get married. They do not have to have kids. It is their choice. I just want them to be happy. They are not old enough to date so I do not have advice on choosing a husband but I could say some things. But mostly, my advice would be "don't do it." I do not see any advantage for women nowadays if they woman works outside the home. None.

I am


are you white or ethnic?
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 09:52     Subject: Re:Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:I will teach my daughter to never be without her own money. If you have money (or earning power) you have options. I will never be a SAHP because I have seen how a spouse can ruin the family finances without others even knowing.

I hope DD will find a spouse who carries half or more of the household burden, but I know from experience that doesn't always work out -- even when you believe it's an important trait in a spouse. Again, if you have money you have options -- to hire out chores, or to leave.

That said, I think it's important to "work to live, not live to work." I was a driven career woman and then when I wanted kids, I found I had created a life in which it was very difficult to find time, difficult to move to be near to family, etc. I was able to retool my career, but I wish I had built in the assumption I would have children and want to be near my parents. I wish I'd had kids a bit earlier, too. I will tell her so, when she's older.



this
Anonymous
Post 05/18/2020 09:26     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:I have daughters. I hesitated getting married because the first fight I had with my ex-DH at 4 months of dating is that his future wife had to earn 100k a year. I was appalled. I said I would never have his kids.

I overlooked the argument. Biggest mistake of my life. Fast forward pressured me into pregnancy. Could not get out easily. Second accident kid a few years later.

A crappy 10-year marriage and he did marry me for my earning power. 100% But he also expected me to follow him (and I did) to the detriment of my own career and be a WOH mom and a SAM in one person. Misery.

I have already told my daughters they do not have to get married. They do not have to have kids. It is their choice. I just want them to be happy. They are not old enough to date so I do not have advice on choosing a husband but I could say some things. But mostly, my advice would be "don't do it." I do not see any advantage for women nowadays if they woman works outside the home. None.

I am


Respectfully, this sounds like an argument for teaching your kids not to ignore red flags like you did, rather than a cautionary tale about marriage.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2020 22:31     Subject: Do you raise your children differently given what you know about relationships?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This responses are at odds with the woman who is a PhD being told that men don’t care that she is.


The point is it doesn't matter whether or not men care. Get a degree (or don't) for yourself. Many of us are also saying that 2 career households are more (but not completely) balanced. Teaching girls/women to seek a career based on men's perception of its importance or lack thereof is antiquated and bad advice.


This is the point. We should get a degree not because it makes us more attractive to men but for us as the pp noted. If men's interest in a woman is not driven by a degree then it doesn't matter whether you have one or not, and in this case you might as well get one so that it can lead to a path of financial independence.