Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 08:36     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I'm 29 almost 30. Recently made a somewhat related thread. Of course, I'm young and a lot can happen in 10 years (or more? I know a couple that met at age 50 and started a family with a foster son)

I always assumed I wouldn't marry and sort of still feel the same. The reason is I'm picky. I've had a lot of male friends and short-term relationships but nothing long term or even close to marriage. If I commit myself to a man, he has to share the same lifestyle as me, and that has been my priority. I'm a triathlete and a globetrotter and I rarely sleep past 5am. I hate staying in one place, being sedentary, being indoors, anything lazy. Too many men my age are into video games and Netflix&Chill. I can tolerate this in very small doses but not as a default. Of course NOW, this pandemic has caused me to totally rethink and evaluate EVERYTHING.

But generally speaking, my lifestyle and activities come first and I know that. Marriage means compromise and I'm not willing to compromise. I don't think that makes me a bad person, most people tell me I'm a great friend, a fantastic aunt/daughter/sister, but a terrible partner.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 06:44     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not married and have no kids. I suppose sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's lonely. I don't have many friends, and don't have any good friends, or a best friend.

There's nobody to carry the load. I come home from work and nobody's gotten anything done, nobody ever cooks dinner for me or brings me breakfast in bed. Any time I start thinking I'm getting sick I need to rush to get supplies before I'm too sick to go out for tissues and ice pops and medicine. I can never ask anyone to buy me tampons. When I wanted to throw out an armchair I had to hire people to carry it out of my apartment and out to the alley. I don't have some husband who can grab a guy friend to do these things.

It's hard to be the third wheel. When my parents come to town and want to go out to dinner with me, my sister and her husband? We're often sat at a four-top and I'm given a chair at the end of the table. I have to attend weddings by myself. Extended family parties? I'm sat at the very end of the adult table on the border of the kid table. I don't have anyone to go on vacations with. I've literally gotten talked to at work about taking more vacation days. I live in a shitty apartment that I hate and barely feel safe in (rent control) and don't enjoy a "staycation" and don't really have fun traveling alone. If there's a restaurant I want to try, I have to decide if I'm comfortable going by myself. I don't have an automatic go-to person.

People sometimes assume I'm a lesbian who's not out. I'm not. People try to ask if I am It's awkward.

There are little things. There's nobody to kill a scary bug. There's nobody to investigate a scary noise. Sometimes I won't go somewhere after work because of how late I'd get home. Nobody ever worries if I make it home at night. I've put off getting my wisdom teeth out because I'm stressed about taking Uber home alone. If I had a medical emergency at home, it'd be on me to call 911 and unlock my door so they could get in. There's nobody to tell me that my shirt has become so worn that it's see-through (I found out at work from a kind coworker). There's nobody to come to scary doctor appointments with me.

There are financial issues. I live in a tiny one-bedroom. If I were married I could have the same one-bedroom but a second income to ease the financial burden. If I want to buy anything, it's on me. If I want to go on vacation it's all on me. I can only count on my income.


I'm sorry, and I hope you end up with a good spouse one day.

Have you thought about approaching finding a spouse like a job? Ask a friend to critique any deal breakers the way you would a resume. Ask for help with online dating profiles. Date until you find the right guy. I decided that if I'm ever single again, this is what I'm doing.

In the mean time, you could join travel groups and social groups to make the most of the life you have. Live somewhere you feel safe. Not feeling safe can really harm you mentally and emotionally. Take advantage of the 100% control you have over your life. Take care.
Anonymous
Post 04/29/2020 04:33     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
So by the time 35 came and went, I realized I really wanted a child more than a husband. .


I can relate, but I was 29 and my boyfriend at the time was the father. We split up shortly afterwards, but we made a joint custody arrangement. He has always been a big part of his son's life.

For the 15 years I was a single mother, my son was by far the most important person in my life, even though I dated, but never found a man who was worth marrying.

Eventually, the right guy turned up and we married. I made it clear to him from the start that my son already had a father and didn't need another one, and my husband respected that.

It has all turned out well. There are many paths to happiness.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 22:11     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
This would be interesting to read in other cultures where the concept of marriage is not the only one for defining a significant relationship or lifestyle. This is definitely a "People who don't have romantic relationships" or similar, "Singles late in life" kinda thread. I would expect there are many who haven't been married, but also are not single and alone.



Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 21:51     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not married and have no kids. I suppose sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's lonely. I don't have many friends, and don't have any good friends, or a best friend.

There's nobody to carry the load. I come home from work and nobody's gotten anything done, nobody ever cooks dinner for me or brings me breakfast in bed. Any time I start thinking I'm getting sick I need to rush to get supplies before I'm too sick to go out for tissues and ice pops and medicine. I can never ask anyone to buy me tampons. When I wanted to throw out an armchair I had to hire people to carry it out of my apartment and out to the alley. I don't have some husband who can grab a guy friend to do these things.

It's hard to be the third wheel. When my parents come to town and want to go out to dinner with me, my sister and her husband? We're often sat at a four-top and I'm given a chair at the end of the table. I have to attend weddings by myself. Extended family parties? I'm sat at the very end of the adult table on the border of the kid table. I don't have anyone to go on vacations with. I've literally gotten talked to at work about taking more vacation days. I live in a shitty apartment that I hate and barely feel safe in (rent control) and don't enjoy a "staycation" and don't really have fun traveling alone. If there's a restaurant I want to try, I have to decide if I'm comfortable going by myself. I don't have an automatic go-to person.

People sometimes assume I'm a lesbian who's not out. I'm not. People try to ask if I am It's awkward.

There are little things. There's nobody to kill a scary bug. There's nobody to investigate a scary noise. Sometimes I won't go somewhere after work because of how late I'd get home. Nobody ever worries if I make it home at night. I've put off getting my wisdom teeth out because I'm stressed about taking Uber home alone. If I had a medical emergency at home, it'd be on me to call 911 and unlock my door so they could get in. There's nobody to tell me that my shirt has become so worn that it's see-through (I found out at work from a kind coworker). There's nobody to come to scary doctor appointments with me.

There are financial issues. I live in a tiny one-bedroom. If I were married I could have the same one-bedroom but a second income to ease the financial burden. If I want to buy anything, it's on me. If I want to go on vacation it's all on me. I can only count on my income.


Wow, this was really honest and so sad. Maybe when this blows over you should try Meet Up to hang out with folks who share the same interests as you or something. I'm sorry you feel so lonely.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 21:26     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I am single, never married and don’t expect that I ever will be. I primarily just wish I had someone to split the mortgage and chores with. Other than that, single life is good. I enjoy vacationing alone and doing what I want.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 21:22     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
At 30, I had what I called my five-year plan, to meet someone and get married, in part so I could have a kid before my eggs met their expiration date. I went on some dates, but didn't get close to marriage.

While I didn't make a huge amount of money, as a single person it was plenty. I was excited because I managed to buy a very small single family house during this time and remember being thrilled I could do it without a husband to help pay the mortgage. I took a fairly big vacation each year without worrying I wouldn't be able to pay the Visa bill.

So by the time 35 came and went, I realized I really wanted a child more than a husband. So like many others on here I adopted, at age 38. Nearly 20 years down the road it's been the best decision I ever made and some of the hardest times I could imagine.

Raising a child meant that we've stayed in my tiny house and any extra money has gone to braces, tutors and college. The sheer 24/7ness of single parenting made me wish for a partner on occasion over the years, mainly in the teen years.

Now that I'm facing an empty nest I have some regrets about never marrying and not having another adult to share my life with. It's probably too late for me. A couple years ago I tried online dating, and it was pretty much an unmitigated disaster, so I'm trying to make peace with the fact that in all likelihood I will never be married.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 20:51     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not married and have no kids. I suppose sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's lonely. I don't have many friends, and don't have any good friends, or a best friend.

There's nobody to carry the load. I come home from work and nobody's gotten anything done, nobody ever cooks dinner for me or brings me breakfast in bed. Any time I start thinking I'm getting sick I need to rush to get supplies before I'm too sick to go out for tissues and ice pops and medicine. I can never ask anyone to buy me tampons. When I wanted to throw out an armchair I had to hire people to carry it out of my apartment and out to the alley. I don't have some husband who can grab a guy friend to do these things.

It's hard to be the third wheel. When my parents come to town and want to go out to dinner with me, my sister and her husband? We're often sat at a four-top and I'm given a chair at the end of the table. I have to attend weddings by myself. Extended family parties? I'm sat at the very end of the adult table on the border of the kid table. I don't have anyone to go on vacations with. I've literally gotten talked to at work about taking more vacation days. I live in a shitty apartment that I hate and barely feel safe in (rent control) and don't enjoy a "staycation" and don't really have fun traveling alone. If there's a restaurant I want to try, I have to decide if I'm comfortable going by myself. I don't have an automatic go-to person.

People sometimes assume I'm a lesbian who's not out. I'm not. People try to ask if I am It's awkward.

There are little things. There's nobody to kill a scary bug. There's nobody to investigate a scary noise. Sometimes I won't go somewhere after work because of how late I'd get home. Nobody ever worries if I make it home at night. I've put off getting my wisdom teeth out because I'm stressed about taking Uber home alone. If I had a medical emergency at home, it'd be on me to call 911 and unlock my door so they could get in. There's nobody to tell me that my shirt has become so worn that it's see-through (I found out at work from a kind coworker). There's nobody to come to scary doctor appointments with me.

There are financial issues. I live in a tiny one-bedroom. If I were married I could have the same one-bedroom but a second income to ease the financial burden. If I want to buy anything, it's on me. If I want to go on vacation it's all on me. I can only count on my income.


This made me chuckle at the memory of my late, conservative father tentatively launching a conversation with me while we were driving somewhere, saying, “You know, if you’re a homosexual, that’s OK.” “Oh, daddy,” I answered, trying to joke it off in a self-deprecating manner, “they wouldn’t want me, either.” I like men, but always seemed to be with ones who wanted somebody else more than they wanted me.

Later in the convo, Dad also said, “You’d be a great mother.” That made me cry. And, like a lot of other posters on this thread, I adopted a child in my 40s. We’ve had a wonderful life, with love, stability and a no-tension household. And, before he died, Dad was a great Granddaddy.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 20:42     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My cousins are identical twins in their mid 50s and they’ve never married. They own a house together. The house has three bedrooms and they share the master! One is in a LTR and one has never had anything long term. They are the kindest, most interesting people I know and just ooze happiness and grace. They travel a lot. They love to garden. They are women of faith and very involved in their church (United Church of Christ so no this is not a weird fundamentalist thing.) They are both introverted so not super big into socializing but they have a few very close friends and are friendly with their neighbors. They both have stable careers (one’s a fed, one’s an accountant for a local college) and are getting ready to retire in the next few years. They have lots of cousins, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles they get together with frequently. They live simple but very rich and rewarding lives that sometimes I am jealous of!


They share a bedroom!? I’m sorry, but that’s freaking weird.


Why get married if you have a soulmate? This seems really sweet actually. If my daughters didn’t marry but ended up like this I’d feel at peace.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 20:32     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced with kids but have been single for over a decade. I can relate to the lonely PP but mostly, I wonder if there is something wrong with me which is the reason I never had any more luck with men. I don’t date anymore.


I’m a PP- I wonder the same. For some reason, men don’t find me marriage material. I’ve given up totally.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 20:29     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My cousins are identical twins in their mid 50s and they’ve never married. They own a house together. The house has three bedrooms and they share the master! One is in a LTR and one has never had anything long term. They are the kindest, most interesting people I know and just ooze happiness and grace. They travel a lot. They love to garden. They are women of faith and very involved in their church (United Church of Christ so no this is not a weird fundamentalist thing.) They are both introverted so not super big into socializing but they have a few very close friends and are friendly with their neighbors. They both have stable careers (one’s a fed, one’s an accountant for a local college) and are getting ready to retire in the next few years. They have lots of cousins, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles they get together with frequently. They live simple but very rich and rewarding lives that sometimes I am jealous of!


They share a bedroom!? I’m sorry, but that’s freaking weird.

I know. But they’re such wonderful people otherwise that I can get it a pass
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 20:26     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I'm 47 with an 11 year old daughter. My husband died suddenly 20 months ago after 18 years of a happy marriage. I often wonder what life will be like for me down the road. Right now, I have my career and my daughter to keep me busy. I have been on a few dates, but they weren't great and neither guy compared to my husband. I know that I shouldn't compare and perhaps I'm just not ready to date yet, but I miss intimacy and companionship. I don't know if I will ever find another partner again and it makes me sad to think about it. But, I can't dwell on it and I'll have to find things to make my own life interesting and happy. It is really difficult to go from a happy marriage and family to nothing in the blink of an eye.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 20:05     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
I’m divorced with kids but have been single for over a decade. I can relate to the lonely PP but mostly, I wonder if there is something wrong with me which is the reason I never had any more luck with men. I don’t date anymore.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 19:35     Subject: People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:My cousins are identical twins in their mid 50s and they’ve never married. They own a house together. The house has three bedrooms and they share the master! One is in a LTR and one has never had anything long term. They are the kindest, most interesting people I know and just ooze happiness and grace. They travel a lot. They love to garden. They are women of faith and very involved in their church (United Church of Christ so no this is not a weird fundamentalist thing.) They are both introverted so not super big into socializing but they have a few very close friends and are friendly with their neighbors. They both have stable careers (one’s a fed, one’s an accountant for a local college) and are getting ready to retire in the next few years. They have lots of cousins, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles they get together with frequently. They live simple but very rich and rewarding lives that sometimes I am jealous of!


They share a bedroom!? I’m sorry, but that’s freaking weird.
Anonymous
Post 04/28/2020 19:31     Subject: Re:People that never marry - What’s their life like?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not married and have no kids. I suppose sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's lonely. I don't have many friends, and don't have any good friends, or a best friend.

There's nobody to carry the load. I come home from work and nobody's gotten anything done, nobody ever cooks dinner for me or brings me breakfast in bed. Any time I start thinking I'm getting sick I need to rush to get supplies before I'm too sick to go out for tissues and ice pops and medicine. I can never ask anyone to buy me tampons. When I wanted to throw out an armchair I had to hire people to carry it out of my apartment and out to the alley. I don't have some husband who can grab a guy friend to do these things.

It's hard to be the third wheel. When my parents come to town and want to go out to dinner with me, my sister and her husband? We're often sat at a four-top and I'm given a chair at the end of the table. I have to attend weddings by myself. Extended family parties? I'm sat at the very end of the adult table on the border of the kid table. I don't have anyone to go on vacations with. I've literally gotten talked to at work about taking more vacation days. I live in a shitty apartment that I hate and barely feel safe in (rent control) and don't enjoy a "staycation" and don't really have fun traveling alone. If there's a restaurant I want to try, I have to decide if I'm comfortable going by myself. I don't have an automatic go-to person.

People sometimes assume I'm a lesbian who's not out. I'm not. People try to ask if I am It's awkward.

There are little things. There's nobody to kill a scary bug. There's nobody to investigate a scary noise. Sometimes I won't go somewhere after work because of how late I'd get home. Nobody ever worries if I make it home at night. I've put off getting my wisdom teeth out because I'm stressed about taking Uber home alone. If I had a medical emergency at home, it'd be on me to call 911 and unlock my door so they could get in. There's nobody to tell me that my shirt has become so worn that it's see-through (I found out at work from a kind coworker). There's nobody to come to scary doctor appointments with me.

There are financial issues. I live in a tiny one-bedroom. If I were married I could have the same one-bedroom but a second income to ease the financial burden. If I want to buy anything, it's on me. If I want to go on vacation it's all on me. I can only count on my income.



I’m the PP in her 50s who has never married. I can relate to so much of this.