Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:33     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
OP, I am sorry you are going through this.

I suppose I am cynical but I assume my spouse is capable of cheating on me. Perhaps its a defense mechanism, or its just the realization that over half of marriages are affected by infidelity so why would I be the exception? Anyone else similarly jaded?
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:31     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who cheated on his wife. I got away with it but eventually confessed. My wife was devastated. The deed was bad. Seeing the pain I caused to the one person who completely trusted me was almost too much to bear. The good news is that we worked through it and are still married. It can be done but not without a pain and forgiveness. If the cheater is not remorseful, that is a big red flag.


Your a bigger jerk for confessing and putting your poor wife through turmoil just to cleanse your own guilt.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:22     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so incredibly sorry. Your story reminds me of my brother's. He was the first in our family to divorce. He felt a lot of guilt and shame and didn't talk to anyone for a long time and carried the burden alone. Let me tell you, that's a mistake. I assure you, your mom has seen this in her life and will know how to support you. Your family will support you and you need someone on your side that has your back no matter what. In the coming days/weeks/months he will come at you with lies and manipulation and you need someone invested in your well being to help guide you. Lean on your family. I wish my brother had earlier. By the time he told us, she had worn him down to his breaking point where he was ready to walk away and give her everything, exactly as she'd planned it out. Especially if he's telling you not to tell your family, don't listen to him. He's trying to isolate you to make it easier to manipulate.

I'm truly sorry. This is awfully painful but many, many people have been through this and come out better and stronger on the other side. Wishing you well.


Thank you for this. I do feel lots of shame and guilt, yet I do know for certain I did not deserve any of this and it is not my fault.

My mom is in the area. It’s doubly painful that I can’t even talk in person or get a hug from them.

Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:16     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
OP, I'm so incredibly sorry. Your story reminds me of my brother's. He was the first in our family to divorce. He felt a lot of guilt and shame and didn't talk to anyone for a long time and carried the burden alone. Let me tell you, that's a mistake. I assure you, your mom has seen this in her life and will know how to support you. Your family will support you and you need someone on your side that has your back no matter what. In the coming days/weeks/months he will come at you with lies and manipulation and you need someone invested in your well being to help guide you. Lean on your family. I wish my brother had earlier. By the time he told us, she had worn him down to his breaking point where he was ready to walk away and give her everything, exactly as she'd planned it out. Especially if he's telling you not to tell your family, don't listen to him. He's trying to isolate you to make it easier to manipulate.

I'm truly sorry. This is awfully painful but many, many people have been through this and come out better and stronger on the other side. Wishing you well.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:11     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?


I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.


A relative did this, even the family of his AF thought she was a lesbian, vary masculine and never in all her life involvement with a man, his wife never had any concerns. They were also co-workers.

This is all so hard on kids...


It was for about 9 month then my kids realized that other people’s actions don’t control your happiness.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:09     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
I’m a NP. Caught my STBXH twice. The first time about 6 years ago I was completely blindsided. She was a friend.

About a year ago I started to think he was cheating again. We separated in August. This time it was one of our co-workers, we owned a business together.

I filed in November, screw waiting a year. Currently working out settlement. I’m being bought out of my ownership.

It’s been tough, therapy helps. That and I’m glad to be rid of the lies.

Good Luck OP.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 20:06     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:My sister’s ex husband was getting a bj from her best friend. In the hospital parking lot. While she was giving birth to their son. She was completely blindsided when someone told her. She divorced his nasty a$$ so fast he barely knew what hit him. I was amazed by how well she kept her dignity and class through that mess. I couldn’t have done it.


Was actively pushing the baby out or in labor? If labor - that can last for hours......

Just joking. He’s an asshole.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 19:49     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The neighbor still lives here, so I see her all the time. Our kids play together


That’s tough. Is she married? Did her husband know?


She is married. Her husband is the one who found out and outed the affair to me. They are still together
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 19:25     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
I am a guy who cheated on his wife. I got away with it but eventually confessed. My wife was devastated. The deed was bad. Seeing the pain I caused to the one person who completely trusted me was almost too much to bear. The good news is that we worked through it and are still married. It can be done but not without a pain and forgiveness. If the cheater is not remorseful, that is a big red flag.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 19:14     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
I’m also trying to figure who to confide in. Given the age of my kids and the gossip train network in our neighborhood I don’t want awful things to get back to them. I’m also a very private person.


I'm one of the PPs and I'd say this - try to disentangle your shame (unwarranted), your concern about gossip (warranted), and any lingering desire to protect HIM (totally unwarranted).

I actually did confide in friends and neighbors, in part because I was shell-shocked and in part because I knew my ex didn't deserve my discretion. It's been four years and not one hint got back to my kids from any of their friends' parents. They eventually found out, but because their dad was bad at lying and keeping his timeline straight, not because of gossip.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 19:09     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh and he’s very freaked out about my family or his finding out. Like seriously wtf?

3 f@cking years of deception and lies and putting in a charming act for everyone...and my dad was dying.


I'm the previous poster with the dramatic story, I didn't mean to imply that my pain was worse its all terrible in different ways. My mother was dying as well, he used to encourage me to travel out of state to visit her in the hospital, I could never understand why he would almost get angry when I would say I'm coming home to take a respite.


Oh- I didn’t take it that way. I’m very sorry for you as well.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 19:09     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?


I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.


A relative did this, even the family of his AF thought she was a lesbian, vary masculine and never in all her life involvement with a man, his wife never had any concerns. They were also co-workers.

This is all so hard on kids...
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 19:05     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:Yep, right here! I found out about three years ago that my husband who has always been an advocate for doing the right thing, who was raised by single mother, and who abhorred cheaters was cheating on me with a neighbor. We went to counseling for about two years and just officially separated in February of this year.


It seems that particular family pattern often repeats, words to the contrary.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 18:56     Subject: Re:Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Anonymous wrote:Oh and he’s very freaked out about my family or his finding out. Like seriously wtf?

3 f@cking years of deception and lies and putting in a charming act for everyone...and my dad was dying.


I'm the previous poster with the dramatic story, I didn't mean to imply that my pain was worse its all terrible in different ways. My mother was dying as well, he used to encourage me to travel out of state to visit her in the hospital, I could never understand why he would almost get angry when I would say I'm coming home to take a respite.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2020 18:28     Subject: Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?
Yes. He was out for a bit when I found out. I popped a movie in for my daughter and went and cleared all my stuff out of our bedroom and into the guest room. We lived in the house together for 6 months while the school year finished and we sorted out the separation agreement.