Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

To me, loving another person means treating them with the dignity and respect that comes with a loving relationship. Acting on your desires without regard for their feelings and trust flies in the face of love. But if you don't believe that then we most certainly have a different concept of grown-up love.

This. And only this, the bold above.

"Acting on your desires" makes it sound as if you have no ability to think before having sex with someone else. No free will. "I can't help myself. I can't control it. But it's only sex, right?" If you feel it's "only" sex with that stranger or coworker hookup, then it's also "only" sex when you have it with the person you claim to love and respect and to whom you claim to be committed. It's no longer an act expressing love and commitment .

Men who claim to love someone but who won't -- not can't, won't -- be faithful , do not actually love, since genuine adult love involves respect.

+1

+2. Love and cheating can’t go together. Just doesn’t make sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

To me, loving another person means treating them with the dignity and respect that comes with a loving relationship. Acting on your desires without regard for their feelings and trust flies in the face of love. But if you don't believe that then we most certainly have a different concept of grown-up love.

This. And only this, the bold above.

"Acting on your desires" makes it sound as if you have no ability to think before having sex with someone else. No free will. "I can't help myself. I can't control it. But it's only sex, right?" If you feel it's "only" sex with that stranger or coworker hookup, then it's also "only" sex when you have it with the person you claim to love and respect and to whom you claim to be committed. It's no longer an act expressing love and commitment .

Men who claim to love someone but who won't -- not can't, won't -- be faithful , do not actually love, since genuine adult love involves respect.

+1

Anonymous wrote:She lost interest in sex and affection. I tried to bring it back but she just wasn't willing.

I finally gave into my divorced friend who said she was down if I was.

The temptation to cheat was always there, just the motivation to do it changed

Thank you for sharing this. What you wrote is profound because, to me, it sounds like motivation is like a wall, and that the wall can be worn down for some people. Recently I have started noticing how people make advances toward other people that actually are not very subtle, but previously I never would have identified the behaviors as advances. Your primary partner probably never realized that your divorced friend was hitting on you.

I'm not saying that it's ok, just that I see now how some people do have a wall and that the wall can be infiltrated. Some people never close to the door to other people, and some people purposefully fling the door open, but some people keep the door closed. Never being tempted is different than being tempted and not proceeding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how this is hard to understand. Like, none of you have ever hurt someone you loved even if unintentionally? Or is it the mindset that cheating is like the worst thing someone can do, like murder, where only the most evil among us even contemplate it?

It’s both, really.

DP. It's the "unintentionally" that is ridiculous. So...the cheater just didn't mean to trip and fall into another woman's bed? It was...an accident?

Sorry, "unintentionally" doesn't cut it. Only genuine mental illness or meds erasing all self-control are reasons for true lack of intention. Otherwise, own your cheating and admit you made a conscious choice to cheat.

Anonymous wrote:

Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

To me, loving another person means treating them with the dignity and respect that comes with a loving relationship. Acting on your desires without regard for their feelings and trust flies in the face of love. But if you don't believe that then we most certainly have a different concept of grown-up love.

This. And only this, the bold above.

"Acting on your desires" makes it sound as if you have no ability to think before having sex with someone else. No free will. "I can't help myself. I can't control it. But it's only sex, right?" If you feel it's "only" sex with that stranger or coworker hookup, then it's also "only" sex when you have it with the person you claim to love and respect and to whom you claim to be committed. It's no longer an act expressing love and commitment .

Men who claim to love someone but who won't -- not can't, won't -- be faithful , do not actually love, since genuine adult love involves respect.

She lost interest in sex and affection. I tried to bring it back but she just wasn't willing.

I finally gave into my divorced friend who said she was down if I was.

The temptation to cheat was always there, just the motivation to do it changed

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason so many women here insist men can't love you if they cheat is simply a defense mechanism. It makes the world less scary to boil things into simple columns rather than accept that a man can be a loving husband and still give in to the completely normal and universal desire to sleep with another woman.

Giving in is a lack of self control out of selfishness and a lack of deep love/respect for the wife. In a monogamous relationship would it be cheating if your wife gives in to any man she thinks more attractive than you?

So it’s not cheating because the woman I was giving it to was less attractive than my wife?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you all think her friends are going to tell her to not give me a chance?

This is the stupidest thing you've said. The stupidest. "Her friends"? Why do you assume she wouldn't think for herself? She should trust her own judgement. I think you have a lack of respect for her and it's showing. Women in general perhaps?

Sorry, I was just referring to the responses above that say a woman shouldn’t give a man a chance if he has cheated. I’m just hoping that somebody has had an experience where a guy did something like this and it turned out all right in the end, as in he never cheated again.

We’re both in our early twenties. I think I did something stupid because I’m young and I really want her to give me another chance because I don’t intend to ever cheat again.

OP, what happened?

Might the title of your question be a clue for you? "Men" who love "a woman" but are not faithful. Do you have two (or more) identities that you utilize; for example, one with the original GF and a different one with the AP? Esther Perel writes and talks about how boys grow up with a lot of violence, and some (not all) survive by compartmentalizing their personalities to be accepted in their family of origin (the same can happen to/with girls as well).

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/partnerships-patterns-and-paradoxical-relationships/

That was me. I had a midlife affair. It was just sex for me. Complete and utter compartmentalization as an escape from myself. I didn’t bring it home. Out of sight out of mind. I eventually crashed and got help. I’m lucky my spouse didn’t leave me. It’s the first time in my life I’m at peace with myself and who I am, I never stopped loving my spouse but now I see how my actions didn’t line up with my values and how hurtful they were.

Yes. Someone can be unfaithful and madly love their spouse, especially as described above. I don’t believe they can do it endlessly though.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how this is hard to understand. Like, none of you have ever hurt someone you loved even if unintentionally? Or is it the mindset that cheating is like the worst thing someone can do, like murder, where only the most evil among us even contemplate it?

It’s both, really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you all think her friends are going to tell her to not give me a chance?

This is the stupidest thing you've said. The stupidest. "Her friends"? Why do you assume she wouldn't think for herself? She should trust her own judgement. I think you have a lack of respect for her and it's showing. Women in general perhaps?

Sorry, I was just referring to the responses above that say a woman shouldn’t give a man a chance if he has cheated. I’m just hoping that somebody has had an experience where a guy did something like this and it turned out all right in the end, as in he never cheated again.

We’re both in our early twenties. I think I did something stupid because I’m young and I really want her to give me another chance because I don’t intend to ever cheat again.

OP, what happened?

Might the title of your question be a clue for you? "Men" who love "a woman" but are not faithful. Do you have two (or more) identities that you utilize; for example, one with the original GF and a different one with the AP? Esther Perel writes and talks about how boys grow up with a lot of violence, and some (not all) survive by compartmentalizing their personalities to be accepted in their family of origin (the same can happen to/with girls as well).

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/partnerships-patterns-and-paradoxical-relationships/

^NP here. I think the point is that you mention love and cheating, and that is what doesn't make sense. The only love in this scenario is that they love themselves, not the spouse. You like what the spouse can offer you and you appreciate it and call it love but it's not really the case.

Is this viewpoint New to you or did you know that cheating and love can't go together?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason so many women here insist men can't love you if they cheat is simply a defense mechanism. It makes the world less scary to boil things into simple columns rather than accept that a man can be a loving husband and still give in to the completely normal and universal desire to sleep with another woman.

Giving in is a lack of self control out of selfishness and a lack of deep love/respect for the wife. In a monogamous relationship would it be cheating if your wife gives in to any man she thinks more attractive than you?

Of course it's cheating but it doesn't negate the potential she loves me but still has normal desires that she gave into. Selfish, sure, impulsive, yes.

But you have people on here claiming murder is a more humane outcome than being cheated on so I can't really argue what you should feel. You are entitled to feel and draw whatever lines in the sand in your marriage that comfort you.

Anonymous wrote:The reason so many women here insist men can't love you if they cheat is simply a defense mechanism. It makes the world less scary to boil things into simple columns rather than accept that a man can be a loving husband and still give in to the completely normal and universal desire to sleep with another woman.

Giving in is a lack of self control out of selfishness and a lack of deep love/respect for the wife. In a monogamous relationship would it be cheating if your wife gives in to any man she thinks more attractive than you?

Anonymous wrote:Love and sex are two different things. Lots of people love someone, but crave someone else. Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

Acting on your desires means you're a selfish narcissistic ass for telling her you love her and want her devotion to you but then turn around and jump into bed w someone else. Cheaters have no self control, no care about others, and don't care if they catch the covid or the hiv.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you all think her friends are going to tell her to not give me a chance?

This is the stupidest thing you've said. The stupidest. "Her friends"? Why do you assume she wouldn't think for herself? She should trust her own judgement. I think you have a lack of respect for her and it's showing. Women in general perhaps?

Sorry, I was just referring to the responses above that say a woman shouldn’t give a man a chance if he has cheated. I’m just hoping that somebody has had an experience where a guy did something like this and it turned out all right in the end, as in he never cheated again.

We’re both in our early twenties. I think I did something stupid because I’m young and I really want her to give me another chance because I don’t intend to ever cheat again.

Based on the specific wording of your statements, I don’t think you can be trusted not to cheat again. You say that you don’t PLAN to cheat again and that you don’t INTEND to cheat again. Can you not honestly state that you will never cheat again? I think that you are unsure and don’t even trust yourself.