These threads always go nowhere and everyone gets mad because there is no universal answer to this.

Some men suck in bed.

Some women use sex to control their spouses.

Some men are terrible partners.

Some women are terrible partners.

I think that generally if two people love each other romantically than they find their way through/around these problems. I had awful pregnancies and libido went way down but I pushed through and made sure we never went TOTALLY sexless and afterwards was always enthusiastic. My husband made it a point to be an active and loving and helpful partner who put effort into taking chores off my plate and making me feel attractive.

There is so much going on there. Both people pushing through things they don't want to do, both people working on making it exciting and new, both people prioritizing it, both people prioritizing their spouse's happiness OUTSIDE of the sex as well. If any one of those pieces falls down, things can start to deteriorate. So its never the same thing, its always a combination of things.

If I had to say what the most important ingredient it is, it is both spouses caring and actively working to improve the other spouse's life. And this only works if BOTH spouses are doing it. If one drops the ball its resentment city. But when we care about the things that aren't sex that each other are going through, than both of us feel loved and respected and that makes us want to have sex. Whenever sex starts to go sideways, its about something else. The something else changes, but its never really the sex itself, for me at least, I know for other couples that is the important variable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I try to do more chores.

This definitely does help.

IMO, there are about a handful of reasons why your wife doesn't want sex with you:

1. she resents you

She should get a divorce. Why would a woman stay married to a husband whom she resets? Find the door and leave the asshole.

Anonymous wrote:
2. she's tired

She needs to learn to prioritize (stop doing so much tiring stuff) and/or outsource and/or ask for help. It does not take much to conserve 20 minutes of energy twice per week to prevent divorce.

Anonymous wrote:3. you are no longer attractive (could be related to #1)

Maybe. But then she would say so, and the guys on this thread would not be here wondering, they would all be at the gym.

Anonymous wrote:4. medical reasons (drop in hormones or other illnesses)

It is difficult to imagine just how incredibly handicapped a woman would need to be (24x7 life support) such that all forms of sex are impossible. Is this a realistic scenario worthy of mainstream discussion?

Anonymous wrote:
These are good reasons. Here are some more:

1. Do you pay attention to her pleasure? Sex gets boring when you get nothing out of it.

Why would a woman marry a man who is selfishly bad in bed? This makes no sense. Again, she would be telling him what he's doing wrong, and he would surely do those things (because... sex).

Anonymous wrote:2. To want sex, you have to feel sexy. To feel sexy, you need to feel confident and attractive. If you constantly belittle her or criticize her, she won't feel up for anything.

Um, sure. But this sounds just like "she resents you" up above, and we know she would immediately divorce an asshole like that.

Jesus, PP. Do you have any empathy at all? Unless your wife is on 24/7 life support, she owes you sex, no matter what? Even if you’re unpleasant and argumentative (like you are on these boards), even if sex is not pleasurable or even painful for her? Perhaps your wife via disinterested in sex because you see her as a vagina and not a whole human being.

It sounds like OMG (open marriage guy). If it IS OMG then I think it basically came out awhile back he'd never even been married and maybe was a virgin

Deadbedroom is the term to Google. You will find others.

The sooner people (and society) are willing to acknowledge that monogamy in general and specifically for women is the problem, the sooner people and especially men can stop blaming themselves.

If "men suck in bed" was the problem, lesbians would be having way more sex but the opposite is true. So one could say women suck in bed but that's not the problem either.

Which isn't to say occasionally the problem is the man (or woman) sucks in bed or occasionally its because of resentment or a lack of chores or weight gain. But the overwhelming amount of the time, it's just the boredom of having the same partner for decades on. Because your "old hat" is someone exciting and new for their AP or second husband or whatever it is.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

Another women here. Agree with this. My entire life I used to lose interest in sex within 2-3 months of a relationship. I thought it was biological. Turns out I just picked jerks, and once I found one who treated me well, I found that I wanted sex more and more over time, not less.

So if a woman doesn’t want sex, it’s because her husband is a jerk. I get that, makes perfect sense: nobody wants sex with a jerk!

But wait: if he really is this total jerk, he would know (because she would say so) in fact she would quickly divorce him! Because who stays married to a jerk? So this “no sex with a jerk” theory cannot apply to this thread, because these guys aren’t divorced, and their wives aren’t calling them jerks, therefore they can’t be jerks.

Try again please?

*shrug* A lot of people won't get divorced for various reasons- kids, finances, societal pressure. I mean, you can apply your same logic and say "no man would stay married to a woman who won't have sex with him! Who stays married to that? So your "wife won't have sex with me" doesn't apply this thread, therefore all the men here are actually getting laid!"

If you want to keep telling yourself it's not your fault your wife won't sleep with you, go ahead. Doesn't affect my life at all, and I'm happily getting laid several times a week.

You are saying that a sexless wife (secretly) WANTS to divorce her jerk husband except ... he’s a provider, and her divorced-over-35-mom-with-joint-custody life would be too hard. She wants to continue getting her benefits of marriage while providing him no ... benefits. Is this your message?

Also: you are calling these wives liars. Because a husband who isn’t getting sex due to being a jerk.... surely must KNOW he is a jerk! Unless his wife is being dishonest. Is that it? The men really ARE jerks but the wives are LYING about it? Because a jerk is more likely to stop being a jerk if his wife keeps this a secret?

The men are being honest. Their sexless wives KNOW their husband is unhappy about not getting laid. The men aren’t pretending to be happy about no sex while (manipulatively) thinking that keeping this secret will result in... sex.

And your counter argument (who stays married to a wife who won’t have sex) fails because sex can be had elsewhere, whereas a jerk husband will just keep on being a big old jerk.

Try again please?

I don't know what to tell you, man. Every woman I know- myself included- who lost interest in sex did so because their husband wasn't a good partner.

You can keep telling yourself whatever you want about how it's all your wife's fault that she won't sleep with you. It probably won't help you get laid. From the way you word your posts, you sound bitter and sarcastic, so I'm not surprised she isn't interested.

Happy to provide you with some resources if you're interested in improving your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

I am sure that’s occurred to them. Don’t be cruel.

I’m not trying to be cruel. It’s just that some guys refuse to self-reflect and figure out what role they play in the problem.

I think it was a legit question. Lots of guys (I'm a guy, fwiw) are too proud to admit they have issues with their own sexual performance - whether it's size, stamina, desire to pleasure partner, etc.

Me personally, my size is plenty enough, I've always enjoyed pleasing my wife orally and am more than happy to use toys. She has a lot of mental blocks that allow her to relax to orgasm so there's not a whole lot of that going on. As of late, I admit, I have not been as willing to go oral on her primarily b/c she doesn't want me to. Stamina can be an issue if we seldomly have sex but if we are regular, there's no issue.

Generally, I think body image and stress are huge drivers for my wife. I am always affectionate with her - love coming up behind her and kissing her neck, touch her, etc., but the less intimate she is, the more sensitive she is to that stuff so she doesn't like it as much these days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Agreed. My husband is fine in bed.It isn't him, it's me. Coming up on menopause. Bored with him after 20 years of marriage. We drifted apart in part because our marriage was very child focused, and then because we had some trauma and resentment. End result for me is that sex with DH just isn't appealing, even if he CAN make me cum. Really sex is not all about cumming. It's the journey, and I'm not interested in that journey with him.

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Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

+1 Do be prepared that a divorce could happen but that’s really for the best.

Inaction though means certain divorce, so there is nothing to lose.

So everyone is just going to dump their wives after menopause?

It has nothing to do with menopause (which is 100% unavoidable).
It has everything to do with ceasing sex (which is 100% avoidable).

Yes, because those two things have nothing to do with one another.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

I am sure that’s occurred to them. Don’t be cruel.

I’m not trying to be cruel. It’s just that some guys refuse to self-reflect and figure out what role they play in the problem.

Many women write in that their husbands won't sleep with them. Is it because they suck in bed?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here invading this group. My husband is always very sweet to me and never criticizes or belittles me. That makes me want to be very sweet and nice to him and sex is part of that. And when we have sex he almost always asks what I’d enjoy because it’s not always the same and I do my best to make him happy.

Another women here. Agree with this. My entire life I used to lose interest in sex within 2-3 months of a relationship. I thought it was biological. Turns out I just picked jerks, and once I found one who treated me well, I found that I wanted sex more and more over time, not less.

So if a woman doesn’t want sex, it’s because her husband is a jerk. I get that, makes perfect sense: nobody wants sex with a jerk!

But wait: if he really is this total jerk, he would know (because she would say so) in fact she would quickly divorce him! Because who stays married to a jerk? So this “no sex with a jerk” theory cannot apply to this thread, because these guys aren’t divorced, and their wives aren’t calling them jerks, therefore they can’t be jerks.

Try again please?

*shrug* A lot of people won't get divorced for various reasons- kids, finances, societal pressure. I mean, you can apply your same logic and say "no man would stay married to a woman who won't have sex with him! Who stays married to that? So your "wife won't have sex with me" doesn't apply this thread, therefore all the men here are actually getting laid!"

If you want to keep telling yourself it's not your fault your wife won't sleep with you, go ahead. Doesn't affect my life at all, and I'm happily getting laid several times a week.

You are saying that a sexless wife (secretly) WANTS to divorce her jerk husband except ... he’s a provider, and her divorced-over-35-mom-with-joint-custody life would be too hard. She wants to continue getting her benefits of marriage while providing him no ... benefits. Is this your message?

Also: you are calling these wives liars. Because a husband who isn’t getting sex due to being a jerk.... surely must KNOW he is a jerk! Unless his wife is being dishonest. Is that it? The men really ARE jerks but the wives are LYING about it? Because a jerk is more likely to stop being a jerk if his wife keeps this a secret?

The men are being honest. Their sexless wives KNOW their husband is unhappy about not getting laid. The men aren’t pretending to be happy about no sex while (manipulatively) thinking that keeping this secret will result in... sex.

And your counter argument (who stays married to a wife who won’t have sex) fails because sex can be had elsewhere, whereas a jerk husband will just keep on being a big old jerk.

Try again please?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

And you're here. Didn't take long.

Yep, if this guy invested as much time in his marriage as he did here trying to validate his cheating, he might solve his own problem.

If that guy were actually cheating, he wouldn't have so much time to post on every DCUM relationship thread. He hasn't had sex since 2003 and DCUM is his only outlet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Oh please. Any new sex is exciting and may not be a reflection of actual skill level. Don't delude yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Lol, sure Jan...

Anonymous wrote:To the men: did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are just not good in bed and that is the reason why your wives refuse to sleep with you?

As much as I hate to reinforce angry sexless guys point - I cheated on my zero libido wife and my AP told me I was the best she ever had. So no, I don't think i was or most men or women being denied by their husbands are the problem

Anonymous wrote:Following so far. So hearing the women chime in, it sounds like they have legit reasons for not wanting sex. Have most of you talked to your husband and tried to find a way where both of you can be happy? My wife just says no, end of discussion, which leaves me feeling unwanted. Shouldn’t this be a two way discussion?

I have tried to talk to my husband about why I am unhappy. I would also like to have a happy and satisfying marriage. He isn’t alone in that. But it’s like he just can’t hear me.