Anonymous wrote:It cracks me up how bent out of shape people are getting about tidying and helping ice the Frozen cupcakes for DD's 2nd birthday party or clean up the pan from cooking the chicken nuggets that everyone rushed home from work to cook the kids for dinner. People are getting in fights and making themselves miserable over the silliest stuff!

Anonymous wrote:It cracks me up how bent out of shape people are getting about tidying and helping ice the Frozen cupcakes for DD's 2nd birthday party or clean up the pan from cooking the chicken nuggets that everyone rushed home from work to cook the kids for dinner. People are getting in fights and making themselves miserable over the silliest stuff!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ so I did find what you wrote to be helpful.

Just wondering what do you think is the solution? I mean even if you get divorced, your next partner will likely find this a challenge (unless she has ADHD as well in which case you’ll have other problems). It seems to be a cycle of response between you and your wife. Life during the Middle age years is in general a bit boring and schedule driven for most people, not just ADHD ones. So not sure if this shouldn’t be about managing your own expectations of wife/life etc.

Life in the Middle Ages?? If you were inattentive and forgetful then you’d be eaten by a lion or fall off a cliff. Darwin took over.

Today’s societies you can be a total coddled idiot and have your mom or wife or mom forever carry your load and fix your blunders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

Well, thank goodness you didn't mean it negatively.

I can't speak for all men. Nor can I agree with your hypothesis that women never express dissatisfaction with a distant spouse. A growing body of literature suggests that I do feel this stuff more acutely than a neurotypical person. But with that said, I don't think I'm that special a snowflake. I mean, it's not enough for her for me to say that I'm going to tidy up every night either. She understandably expects me to do it. And when I don't, she takes that as evidence that I don't care about what she's facing and how overwhelmed she's feeling. Well, that's how I feel about physical expressions of affection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

Anonymous wrote:^ so I did find what you wrote to be helpful.

Just wondering what do you think is the solution? I mean even if you get divorced, your next partner will likely find this a challenge (unless she has ADHD as well in which case you’ll have other problems). It seems to be a cycle of response between you and your wife. Life during the Middle age years is in general a bit boring and schedule driven for most people, not just ADHD ones. So not sure if this shouldn’t be about managing your own expectations of wife/life etc.

Anonymous wrote:

So thanks for posting this. It is helpful to understand the other perspective.
One thing I genuinely wonder about is why do men constantly want to feel like they are loved/cared for where as I don’t hear women saying this. It just seems a bit needy to me and maybe someone who’s not a strong person (again, not meaning to be negative but rather for discussion purpose). I am wondering what is your perspective? What if your wives so mean it and say they love you, isn’t that sufficient?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thinks I need to work on improving myself and getting to my “full potential”

What is this part about, do you think, OP?

Do you think he is having an affair or is considering one? Does he want you to be more like an AP?

Sounds like he is pretty checked out on family life. I was once like you, including thinking ADD was the answer. The thing is, labels only help if they apply to you and you are motivated to find solutions or make changes. In this case, your DH seems to have indicated clearly that he is not. If that does not change, I think you accept the status quo or make plans to leave. Unfortunately, we cannot change other people. It is entirely possible that he has low self esteem and issues re: behaviors or coping skills he has used all his life re: possible ADD. If that is the case, he may come around and become more open to change. I wish you and your family well and hope you find peace.

If outsourcing more is possible, it is never a bad idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....

I think it's exhausting for both sides. I'm the (male) ADHD partner. I am certainly aware that my wife would like me to be more on top of chores. I'm messy and disorganized. And if I get drawn into something, even if it's something that I recognize to be pretty trivial (like posting on a message board) it's frustrating to be brought out of that with a request.

The flip side, however, is that from my perspective, my life is now a never-ending list of things my spouse wants me to do and/or feels I do incorrectly. I had never heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria before reading the link earlier in this thread, but it appears to describe me pretty well. And what happens is with jobs and kids, my spouse is (understandably) asking more of me while also expecting me to ask less of her with regard to physical touch or just prioritizing our relationship. So it's exhausting. Because it feels like I'm constantly failing someone who doesn't seem to like me much anymore and who doesn't give me credit for what I have done.

I imagine that I fit a lot of the male patterns here when I try to improve. I try, but I grow disillusioned quickly as further rejections or criticisms pile up. Eventually, it feels like I'm on a months or years-long audition to make my spouse give a crap about me, and I inevitably lose the motivation to keep trying. And I don't know the answer. I'm not suggesting the OP is wrong to feel frustrated and let down. ADHD sucks. Medication helps a bit. Therapy helps a bit. But it's always a struggle. Every day.

Anonymous wrote:

ADD isn’t just a chores division thing. It’s a frame of mind, i.e. he just doesn’t understand why his way of doing things is exhausting to you. The lack of commitment thing is key. As the responsible partner, that lack of commitment keeps you from being able to plan something. There’s also the fear that the ADD spouse will not follow through even when you get a verbal commitment. When you have kids and/or pets, you know they will pay the price for your being so ‘selfish’ as to think you can have some time to pursue something for yourself. I put selfish in quotes because, of course it’s NOT selfish at all, it’s just with an ADD spouse, it feels selfish to even try.

I get the same promises, and he either forgets (despite constantly asking for the dates for his calendar, etc) or simply ignores the commitments with the sheepish “I forgot” look, with you left wondering if he really did forget....