Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:48     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound a little psychotic.


No she doesn't, she sounds like she knows her own mind and worth.

Good luck op


Her worth revolves around making babies?
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:40     Subject: I kicked my husband out
Op did you actually talk to a doctor? It seems that you can get pregnant so it may not be Fertility Issues. It may be a chromosomal issue For example, you or your husband may have a translocation. I know you are grieving but this may not be an age thing. You get pregnant- you just can’t keep it for some reason so find out why.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:33     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
you're mad that he worked so hard to further his career (and presumably, make a better life for his family, including kids, when they showed up).


I dont think most folks understand what was happening. Going from post doc to post doc or temporary positions for 5 years after your PhD is not furthering your career. If he's in a technical field he should have left and gotten a job...and it also makes no sense to to until he had tenure track job to have a kid because that's when there is huge work pressure to get tenure, to publish, work a ton. I have a lot of phds in the family (myself included) and both my brother and I chose to go into para academic fields rather that spend out late 20s/early 30s adjuncting or doing post docs and then doing another 5-7 years for tenure

Op, how old is your dh?

I agree that it's odd to end it now and you could adopt but sometimes you realize you can't get past the resentment.plus I doubt he'd be around as a parent during this time since if he failed to get tenure that would be worse.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:21     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if OP would have had issues at 30. What is clear is that she followed him from 1-2 year gigs moving multiple times when all signs pointed to the fact that he was not succeeding as an academic. 5 years between phd and tenure track first job is concerning and most phds I know who didn't get TT soon after finishing or one prestigious post doc saw the writing on the wall and left academe Remember, this is not about waiting to get tenure , in which case it might make sense to delay having a baby. For in fact it's tremendous pressure over the next 7 tears after starting a tenure track job to actually get tenure---it would have made more sense to have a kid early on in the adjunct/postdoc years and focus once he was on the tenure track.. Someone more realistic would have had a plan B (get a job in industry) but it sounds like OP's husband only cared about pursuing academe, not his wife or having a family. It should never be a unilateral decision and it sounds like they didn't really talk about their absolute priorities before marriage. His was getting a tenure track job above all else, hers was having kids.
Just to put this in perspective, OP's husband started trying to get a job in 2010 or 2011, at the height of the recession (5 years job seeking + 1 year trying to get pregnant = 6 years ago). It's not crazy that he had trouble finding a job then. Lots of people who started job searching never recovered from the hit to their career from coming of age during a massive recession.


Former academic here. This is totally right—lots of people had trouble getting tenure track jobs around that time, and still do. Sounds like OP doesn’t understand academia, and she and her husband didn’t discuss contingency plans if he didn’t get a TT job right away. Heck, my spouse, a physician, also doesn’t fully understand the need to move and what drives academics—it’s definitely not money, but one’s line of research. It’s tough and hard to explain to those on the outside.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:11     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's for the best, OP. He's not the right person for you.


But OP doesn’t sound like she’s the right person for anyone unless and until she’s had extensive therapy to help her come to terms with her persistent feelings of being disrespected, ignored, and undervalued by those with whom she is closest. There’s every reason to think she’ll bring all that baggage and more to her next relationship, assuming she ever has another one.


NP and I agree. OP what's done is done, and whether you have made the right decision...well, it's been made. But you really, really need to come to terms with your hostility, your personal history of feeling ignored, your own share of the blame - and frankly the emotional upheaval of multiple miscarriages and what that has surely done to your mental health, as it would to anyone experiencing such losses. I hope that you seek a skilled therapist and commit to the program. Best of luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:08     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know if OP would have had issues at 30. What is clear is that she followed him from 1-2 year gigs moving multiple times when all signs pointed to the fact that he was not succeeding as an academic. 5 years between phd and tenure track first job is concerning and most phds I know who didn't get TT soon after finishing or one prestigious post doc saw the writing on the wall and left academe Remember, this is not about waiting to get tenure , in which case it might make sense to delay having a baby. For in fact it's tremendous pressure over the next 7 tears after starting a tenure track job to actually get tenure---it would have made more sense to have a kid early on in the adjunct/postdoc years and focus once he was on the tenure track.. Someone more realistic would have had a plan B (get a job in industry) but it sounds like OP's husband only cared about pursuing academe, not his wife or having a family. It should never be a unilateral decision and it sounds like they didn't really talk about their absolute priorities before marriage. His was getting a tenure track job above all else, hers was having kids.
Just to put this in perspective, OP's husband started trying to get a job in 2010 or 2011, at the height of the recession (5 years job seeking + 1 year trying to get pregnant = 6 years ago). It's not crazy that he had trouble finding a job then. Lots of people who started job searching never recovered from the hit to their career from coming of age during a massive recession.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:06     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.


I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.


This is OP. This is exactly how I feel. People familiar with academia and fertility will agree with you as well. A lot of people commenting have knowledge of neither.


No one would ever, EVER tell a woman that if she failed to get tenure track, she should defer to her well paid husband's will and start a family, or that she was costing her husband's dream. And rightfully so.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:01     Subject: I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:Respectfully, I think you are not currently right in the head. You don’t go from trying to get pregnant to kicking him out if you are in your right mind.
+1. It's crazy to go from wanting to start a family with someone to wanting a divorce within the course of a week.

If you knew that you could be pregnant tomorrow, would you want to be with him? If so, the work on your fertility issues with a doctor and talk to a therapist about your family issues. Divorce won't make you more fertile or undo the fact you waited five years.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 08:51     Subject: I kicked my husband out
Respectfully, I think you are not currently right in the head. You don’t go from trying to get pregnant to kicking him out if you are in your right mind.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 08:37     Subject: I kicked my husband out
How is he reacting to you ending things?
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 08:18     Subject: I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you freeze your eggs? That’s on you


Stop it.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 07:27     Subject: I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
So you're not divorcing him to have kids with someone else, you're divorcing because you're mad that he worked so hard to further his career (and presumably, make a better life for his family, including kids, when they showed up).

Wow. Talk about errors of judgement.





Yes, this.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 07:25     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.


I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.


This is OP. This is exactly how I feel. People familiar with academia and fertility will agree with you as well. A lot of people commenting have knowledge of neither.




If you were smarter, you would not be so dissatisfied with your current life. Blaming your DH for a host of decisions that you (yes, you) made along the way suggests you would probably make a terrible parent.


I blamed myself in the OP for not leaving sooner.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 07:22     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.


I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.


This is OP. This is exactly how I feel. People familiar with academia and fertility will agree with you as well. A lot of people commenting have knowledge of neither.


If you were smarter, you would not be so dissatisfied with your current life. Blaming your DH for a host of decisions that you (yes, you) made along the way suggests you would probably make a terrible parent.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 06:59     Subject: Re:I kicked my husband out
Anonymous wrote:
Sorry but you sound selfish and it’s all about you. Good things come to those that wait.


I disagree. Op waited 5 prime years...not for husbay to get tenure but yo get tenure track! That should happen in a year or two, not at age 35ish.

If it's DH failed to get a tenure track job, he should have accepted he's not competitive, deferred to his well.paid wife and started a family while they still could.

Op sacrificed fertility and has multiple m/c do DH could pursue his dream.

Sorry op, I feel for you and understand why you're done.


This is OP. This is exactly how I feel. People familiar with academia and fertility will agree with you as well. A lot of people commenting have knowledge of neither.