Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 09:05     Subject: Re:If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
My MIl did something similar and I was annoyed, I felt violated.
We were on vacation and she had no reason to be in our house. We had arranged with someone to care for our dogs and they texted and said " I was at your house and MIl was there, let Fluffy out anyway, see you tomorrow" ( not exact wording but its been a year and it was similar enough)
MIL had gone in and rearranged all our kitchen cupboards, drawers, under the sink etc.
DW was annoyed but not as much as me, but did address it. Asked me not to say anything. Problem was MIL kept pushing for a thank you the next time we saw them and wouldnt drop it. I told her I appreciated the gesture but felt violated in my own home.
She does also have boundary issues.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 08:55     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
I’m team OP, she sounds like a nightmare. No one wants to be constantly judged. Also it’s time for your SIL to move out.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 08:42     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Change my locks and kick SIL out.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 08:39     Subject: Re:If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like yours and we did have to cut her off for a year when she was at her most abusive towards us. She also once snuck into our house and cleaned it. There are a few great books about dealing with mothers who are abusive or narcissistic and I’d suggest reading those since it gave me a great map for dealing with my MIL.

I’d suggest not focusing on the cleaning and more on the big-picture boundaries that you’d like to establish. The cleaning can be an unhelpful distraction—if she’s like my MIl, if you focus on the cleaning she’ll launch into her rant about how none of us appreciate her and how she’s sacrificed so much for her kids.


I think this is a good suggestion. Focusing on the cleaning and pillows is counterproductive. SIL needs to move out. She has been there long enough, and even if her mother is difficult, she needs to go and stay there now. With your situation--working from home, 3 kids and pregnant--you should not have to deal with all of this on an ongoing basis. It was great that you allowed her to stay for as long as she has, but it's time she go to MIL's.

As to MIL, you need to set up boundaries. I know this is hard because you actually care and don't want MIL to be upset, in turn upsetting your DH. But DH has to step up and deal with his mother and sister. I think it's inconsiderate that he is allowing you to have to manage all of this. And he can still be a great husband, but it's gone on long enough. He needs to understand this is too much. He probably doesn't want to deal so puts it out of his head when he gets to leave the house and go to work.

The fact is, your MIL will not change. And neither will your SIL who is perfectly happy to stay with you for as long as she can get away with it. But you need your life and house back. And DH needs to facilitate that.

Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 08:19     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Time for sil to go and new locks. You are not crazy or wrong op.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 08:18     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
If you thank her, she’ll take that as permission to enter your house frequently, to clean or even to do something else.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 08:04     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:...how would you react?

My sister in law has been staying with us on and off for a year and a half due to health issues. My mother in law has major, major boundary issues, which is why my sister in law doesn’t stay with her. It’s been a problem because my sil’s presence gives mil freedom to drop by whenever.

Also background: mil cut off her own in laws from their only grandkids permanently when DH was a kid so that’s her approach. And yes, she divorced her husband too many years later. She is a control freak who will not allow most people in her house, or any changes to her routine.

I am 7 months pregnant and working like a demon, as is my husband. My three kids also all had birthdays this week and I had small family parties for all of them, which mil attended, as well as an unavoidable dinner for another couple last night. The house...could be cleaner after four big dinner events in a row. After working all this Sunday morning, DH and I took kids to church, lunch and a museum.

When we got home at dinner, I noticed that the house looked...strangely better? I asked sil and she said that mil has come in and cleaned.

I know that this was probably supposed to be nice, but I am furious at the underlying judgement and the fact that she was as usual in my house while I’m gone, f-ing around with my stuff. Yes, I know my house is messy (but it’s not unsanitary or anything -/ I have a weekly cleaning lady).

What would you do?





What day of the week does your weekly housecleaner come?


She comes on Wednesdays. I had kid parties on wed and fri night and more guests Saturday.

Yes, I actually was most offended by the pillows! I get what you are saying but I saw that as her exerting her control freak ways on my house and an exercise of aesthetic judgement/ power. She is the kind of person who will obsess over a pillow or picture placement for...years. Things “bother” her.

I had no idea she would be inside my house today. But she was clearly here, without permission, for hours.

I mean... I feel like it should speak volumes to everybody that my sil would rather stay with me and my three going on four grubby brats rather than stay with her own mother three miles away, who has more rooms and bathrooms. It’s because mil wants to control when sil goes to bed, wakes up, uses her cell phone (not permitted in the house) etc.


She had permission. Your SIL gave her permission, unless you need to dictate who your SIL is allowed to see in a house she has lived in for over a year. In which case, pot meet kettle.

You are kind to let SIL live with your during an illness. Does she generally help around the house? Watch the kids when you runout for milk? Be home when they get home from school and you and your DH are still at work? Does she get them tot he his or off the bus? Anything? Cook? Anything? Does she work? Does she have friends or other family members dropping by to visit?
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 07:56     Subject: Re:If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Anonymous wrote:My husband knows it is so bizarre but he is a nice guy who loves his bizarre mother and it really hurts him when I freak out about these things.

But I probably will freak out anyway. It’s bad enough that my sister in-law has been a semi permanent house guest. And yes, mil cut off her own too... wouldn’t even see her, let alone let her stay for weeks and months. Meanwhile, nobody has ever spent the night with mil, due to her “trouble sleeping.” She’s on very shaky terms with her family.

She rearranged the pillows on my couches and everything.

If you have trouble with her rearranging your couch pillows, then your DH has at least two controlling women in his life.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 07:55     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Anonymous wrote:I'd thank her and be thrilled.


Lol, me too!!!
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 07:46     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
I think you should stop and think about why you see underlying judgement in what your MIL did. That's a leap that I can't understand. Even with people who have annoying traits, you should give them the benefit of the doubt. You are heavily pregnant, working hard, and she did a task that made your home look better. I think you can safely assume that while she should have entered the home only with permission, she was doing this in order to help your family out. Would I be annoyed? Maybe slightly. But of all MIL boundary crossings I've seen on this board, this would bother me the least.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 07:08     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Anonymous wrote:I'm PP 22:58 - just saw OP's comment about it being about control. 100% OP. That's what it is.


NP: agree. OP's been too kind and accommodating. Hers is a very reasonable reaction to the transgression part of her MIL's latest action.

You can wrap a transgression in kindness, like a wolf in sheep's clothing, but underneath, it's still a transgression/wolf.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 07:05     Subject: Re:If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Even if we take everything you said about your MIL and SIL at face value, the real problem is that you and your husband aren’t on the same page. It’s his home too, so as long as he’s telling them (implicitly or explicitly) that this is okay, nothing is going to change. He’s the one you need to address this with, not MIL or SIL.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 07:05     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
Anonymous wrote:OP,

You are not thinking straight.

My patents are control freaks that insist on dictating what time house guests go to bed, wake-up, eat, etc. They are certifiably NUTS.

And yet I would love it if they cleaned my house. My father has actually done that. It was so helpful!

If they find something “embarrassing”, they would be embarrassed, not me. I don’t care.

Again, just because your MIL is a control freak doesn't mean she can’t be useful for once!!!



So, please calm down.





PP sounds like a MIL with no boundaries.


OP, your DH needs to let MIL and SIL know it was not OK. SIL will need to go stay with MIL if MIL crosses boundary again.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 06:51     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
When I was younger and less secure if would have irritated me. Now I’d be beyond happy.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 06:23     Subject: If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...
^we have had family come in and try to rearrange our furniture because they through it would look better. This happened when we were first married and they were trying to “help.” Yes, the pillows would send me over the edge even if I was not pregnant.