My FIL is something like OP's. We haven't had such a direct financial request as OP describes, but at one point FIL was sniffing around for money, complaining about tight finances. DH said he would be happy to help him look at his budget and offer advice. FIL found the money elsewhere!

Luckily DH and I are on the same page: we agree that we would financially support him if absolutely needed, but at a very basic level and with us controlling the finances. In the end, it's DH's dad, and I want DH to be able to sleep at night, feeling like he acted in accordance with his own values.

I am the DH in your situation - deadbeat dad who abandoned us as kids and flits in and out every few years. I always tell my father to pound sand but it comes with all sorts of feelings. I completely understand the mixed emotions your DH must be feeling about this. It’s a messed up situation. The last thing I would want is for my own DH to react the way you did. You have every right to feel the way you do but you can’t put that on your DH when he has to navigate his own feelings about it.

What you can do is talk calmly and without judgment with your DH about why he wants to give the money, how it would be opening the door for more requests, and your concern about how that money could go toward your own kids. Those are all valid points. You should be on your DH’s team 100% whatever decision he makes. Give him the same respect you would want if you were in his shoes.

Anonymous wrote:OP is not dumb—-this is joint money. The requests will just keep coming. I like the suggestion of paying the car repair shop directly.

I agree with this but they also have to agree on what to do next time since they will be a next time.

OP is not dumb—-this is joint money. The requests will just keep coming. I like the suggestion of paying the car repair shop directly.

Op, if my dh tried to tell me that I couldn’t do something with $500 when it’s money we can afford to spend, it would put a big wedge in our relationship. You should think about how your override on this is impacting your husband and your marriage.

If the genders were reversed, can you imagine the hate for a husband not letting the wife give five hi hundred bucks?!?

Op is so dumb!!!! 500 is a lot cheaper than therapy or guilt.

OP, this is joint money and so you have a right to this decision. In addition, your fil will come back again with additional money request. How will your husband handle it at that time? This is the big question and instead of saying no, ask him how he will say no next time regardless of the situation.

OP, you are in the right. I can see why you would make the decision you have. The key is how do you bring your husband along? It’s surprising that he’s ok with giving the money.

I agree this won't be the last ask (hell, it's not even the first). That said, if your DH has never had therapy to deal with his feelings about his dad, I would try to use this to encourage him to do so. Like yes, we can help, but knowing that future requests will be coming, you'd like him to consider talking to someone. I wouldn't make it an ultimatum exactly, but I would say I would be much more comfortable helping if DH would agree to a few sessions at least.

Also, get estimate and pay repair shop directly.

I would be really surprised if the car actually needs $500 in repairs.

I hate to say this but for the sake of your relationship I think you need to support your husband’s decision.

Your blood is boiling for 500$? You have a low boiling point. Good god.

You are so dramatic Op. So upset you are shaking over your DH asking you for input on a situation that is primarily about him. You make it ll about you.

And what is with the definite no. Are you emotionally abusive? Do you control your husband? Is he scared to make decision because you go off on him and he has to deal with your emotion?

You sound incredibly difficult an on supportive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you could afford it, you should give the money. Asking your kids for money is its own punishment. Obviously if he could do better (in life) he would.

did you not read OP's initial post?

He walked out on his family!!! he didn't pay child support!!! he remarried!!!

your comment shows warped thinking.

And if her dh refused to give him money because of that, it would make perfect sense and this board would be supportive. But that’s the dh’s decision to make, not op’s.

No, it's not, and her DH obviously feels the same way since he ASKED HER if he could give him the money, and if they share finances, even more so.

Then he GOT MAD AT HER when she said no, so it would appear that perhaps he does not feel the same way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a real piece of something op.

Um, seems like the dad is..

No doubt he is. But being enraged at her dh, forbidding it, just not being there for her dh is absolutely not ok.

Is this the first time he’s asked for money or any favor?

You should have your play money, his play money, and household money. He can use his spending money for this.

But it won’t be the last time.