I'm in this same situation except it's my mother and her 5th husband. He refuses to move, she wants to.

I can't do a damn thing, she chose this guy and she'll have to figure out what to do.

Of course it's much different because he isn't my dad.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom already agreed to change the house configuration so that things are all on one level, thereby addressing your dad's concerns about the stairs. The problem is the he "shot this down" so you need to work on him till he agrees. Frankly, the moving costs can be really high and there's no need for them to do that unless it's absolutely necessary. Spend those resources to make the ground floor a self-contained safe unit. The upstairs can then become bunk beds or whatever as guest rooms for family visits. Use this opportunity to declutter them. Start clearing out the basement. You might be able to install shelving and storage bins that can contain the sentimental value things she isn't ready to part with as you pare down the ground floor. Oh, and hire a yard service so your dad is off the hook.

Why is OP’s job to organize the house remodel? If her mother wants it done, she can do it!

Also there is no guarantee that the floor plan can be changed enough to accommodate aging in place. That still leaves the outside of the house to deal with: landscaping and maintenance.

This happened to my friend's parents. They actually were all set to buy a condo and at the last minute her mom couldn't deal witht he thought of the packing and they bailed. Awhile after that the kids started realizing there were signs of dementia. In the end the parents both lived out their lives in the house, eventually with 24 hour care and both of them ultimately with dementia. They lived to be very, very old but did not outlive their money.

Your mom already agreed to change the house configuration so that things are all on one level, thereby addressing your dad's concerns about the stairs. The problem is the he "shot this down" so you need to work on him till he agrees. Frankly, the moving costs can be really high and there's no need for them to do that unless it's absolutely necessary. Spend those resources to make the ground floor a self-contained safe unit. The upstairs can then become bunk beds or whatever as guest rooms for family visits. Use this opportunity to declutter them. Start clearing out the basement. You might be able to install shelving and storage bins that can contain the sentimental value things she isn't ready to part with as you pare down the ground floor. Oh, and hire a yard service so your dad is off the hook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved my parents "for the Winter". Try it out for the Winter. After 3 months in the new place they forgot they ever had any objection. But we really had to feel like we tricked them. It was the only way it was going to work. And they were more elderly. And somewhat different scenario since they were use to going --somewhere else -- for the Winter months.

that’s a brilliant idea. may try it!

Yes, does anyone have a version for the warm states?

Awfully arrogant attitudes here towards parents who raised you, comforted you, paid for your clothes medical college cars food etc etc for 18+ years. Also most parents do not live in enormous homes. That trend is for younger people. Don’t be a jerk to your parents.

The only thing that would be helpful is to shred or incinerate the financial papers they have been hoarding. After that call the guy with a truck. You might spend more money trying to have a yard sale than it’s worth.

Anonymous wrote:We moved my parents "for the Winter". Try it out for the Winter. After 3 months in the new place they forgot they ever had any objection. But we really had to feel like we tricked them. It was the only way it was going to work. And they were more elderly. And somewhat different scenario since they were use to going --somewhere else -- for the Winter months.

that’s a brilliant idea. may try it!

Acknowledge to your mom that you understand moving is an emotional idea. Explain practically that the idea of having to manage a crisis situation (medical or other) will be very difficult. Ask if she can come to a compromise where you can start to downsize and rearrange their current place to be more friendly. Can you move rooms so they are on two floors instead of 3 to start? Encourage her to begin releasing items according to her wishes now rather than that having to happen when she not able to help (even if it means people take things “for storage” but actually release them. We were able to get my parents to unload a lot of furniture when my teen was helping at a shelter and gave an impassioned plea about people who need help now so don’t hold on to things for later. Remind her that items that hold sentimental value to her won’t mean as much if you all don’t know the reasons behind them and are not able to accommodate them in your own homes.