A milder version of this happened to me, turns out he was cheating with someone he thought was more valuable.

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to ask me this question, then say “I could hire a nanny for $10/hr who would do the same things you do”.
He did not use it in divorce (at least not yet, it is still not finalized), but it is a very insulting and demeaning question.
I don’t think there is any response that makes sense.
I would listen to the family lawyer PP. ignore the request and go see several lawyers.

I’m sorry, I know this has nothing to do with your point, but I’m kind of laughing out loud that he thinks he can hire a nanny for $10/hour! In many DC neighborhoods you wouldn’t even get a tween mother’s helper for that much.

I recall my psycho husband threatening divorce and asking my Why should I stay? I told him if he doesn’t want to improve, he shouldn’t stay.

Then 6 months later he got pissed at me for seeing a divorce attorney, which was essentially his suggestion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ummm.... was this in the context of a fight?

It's an ongoing issue. Things have been rocky for a while. We are in therapy but it's not really helping.

Refuse to play this game. Do you think that whatever you list, he is going to dispute? I would expect that outcome.

Tell him you do not choose to do this at this time and then say you both can discuss this request of his during the next therapy session.

I can picture a therapist possibly advising a couple to do things like journaling or making lists to clarify issues. But if DH phrased it as "what value do you provide for me"--that is not about trying to clarify your thoughts or his. That's an attempt to commodify you. It's very telling that your relative incomes are an issue in the marriage.

Be cool and calm and say that you both can discuss the idea with the therapist. See what happens there. Maybe in front of the therapist you can express how the idea makes you feel reduced to an employee rather than a partner and wife.

I'd there any chance he claim in front of the therapist that he never phrased it as "what value you provide for me"? And that if you say he did, he'll gaslight you and say you misremember it? That would be a red flag as big as the initial request.

My ex used to ask me this question, then say “I could hire a nanny for $10/hr who would do the same things you do”.
He did not use it in divorce (at least not yet, it is still not finalized), but it is a very insulting and demeaning question.
I don’t think there is any response that makes sense.
I would listen to the family lawyer PP. ignore the request and go see several lawyers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's toying with divorce. This list will help him figure out if it's better to do it all alone or stay with you.

Ask yourself, do you really want to stay married to him?

She will get half, and he makes $600K.

She will get half.... of their marital assets.
But he keeps all of his $600K (minus perhaps some childcare).
Income is not a "marital asset" (or any kind of asset really).

Anonymous wrote:Put half of your savings in an account with just your name on it and consult an attorney.

This.

Tell him to take care of his own needs. He can do his own cooking, cleaning, shopping and 1/2 the child care. Go on vacation for a week and let him handle everything alone with the kids. Have an exit plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here - your husband has brass balls. I am curious as to what his job is because the question is so cold, consulting-like. I’m pretty much an alpha male but I can’t fathom asking my wife that question given I know she’d give me a death stare and then rip me another butt hole. I make many multiples of my wife but I could never do what I do without her at my side.

Or a mental disorder rending him incapable of emotions, empathy or connecting with others.

Bingo. Personality disorder.

No it sounds like MGTOW.

He wants more sex. That’s what the list is about.

What a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:^ Now, cue DCUM Grammar Police and Editing Team to swoop in, redline as appropriate, and make that sample letter fabulous!

Too good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I'm the mother of your children, I have a good job, I do my fair share of household duties, and if you don't value seeing your children each and every day and giving them a whole family, then I think we're pretty much done here."

OK. But if the average DCUM husband told his wife, "I'm the father of your children, I do my fair share, and I enable you to see your children and give them a whole family," I doubt the DCUM consensus would regard that as sufficient.

Uh, and he has a good job?

I’m sorry but DCUM would eviscerating a DH who only makes $100k

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here - your husband has brass balls. I am curious as to what his job is because the question is so cold, consulting-like. I’m pretty much an alpha male but I can’t fathom asking my wife that question given I know she’d give me a death stare and then rip me another butt hole. I make many multiples of my wife but I could never do what I do without her at my side.

Or a mental disorder rending him incapable of emotions, empathy or connecting with others.

Bingo. Personality disorder.

Even if it’s aspergers, a brain structure disorder, it will manifest itself like a terrible personality disorder. Esp if no early intervention or behavioral therapy as a child or teen.

^ Now, cue DCUM Grammar Police and Editing Team to swoop in, redline as appropriate, and make that sample letter fabulous!

Anonymous wrote:DH asked me to write a list of what I am contributing to the marriage. His exact words were, "what value do you provide for me?"

For context, I do work FT and take care of our two kids when not working. One of our issues is that I make $100k and he makes $600k. I also make dinner every night. Clean up around the house of course.

I find this question kind of insulting. What do you think?

OP, take out your finest stationary, and write him this letter using your favorite ink pen, while sipping on your favorite beverage:


———————
Dear John,

You asked me to think about what value I bring to you. After careful thought and consideration over your question and how it fares in our 23 year marriage, I think I’ve found probably the most value in what I’m bringing to you today: $350K savings in litigation costs, assuming you agree to the attached settlement agreement that grants our family the following:
- Concession 1
- Concession 2
- Concession 3

Perhaps there is some value I bring that you may want to inform me about, but if we can’t agree on what that is, perhaps we will just have to let a judge decide on how much value I brought to the table.


Love,
Your wife
——————-

Seal it with a kiss. Include a copy of the Complaint for Divorce that you will have already filed in the court house, and a printout if your wedding vows, highlighting those he has broken. And if he asks where you are with the list while you are still getting your ducks in a row, just smile sweetly and tell him that you are giving it careful thought. Then ask him if he wants a ham sammich. It will throw him off the scent a while. Ham sammiches always work.