Anonymous wrote:Inattentive ADD?

I can remind my ex a dozen times about something - in several different formats (email, text, in person, phone) and he will still forget it. Consequently, for anything important (camp signups, school registration, doctor's appts, etc.) I take responsibility. At one point he was calling me every night to ask what the school lunch was, until he finally figured out that he could download the app himself and look it up. He'll still text me to ask me when/where basketball practice is, when he's been the one taking her to practice for the last two months.

These are his limitations. I accept them. It's annoying, but it's our reality. It's not worth fighting about. I save my battles for the other stuff.

Can we go one thread without someone diagnosing a merely lazy person with ADHD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whose. Not who’s. You sound dim.

Who even cares? Autocorrect makes most of those mistakes.

Autocorrect does not change “whose” to “who’s.” Nope. Sorry.

late to so many things

Well, if he agrees to medicating his obvious ADHD, he could try that.

Mine refuses to treat his ADHD, he's been pate o so many things he's lost multiple jobs because of it, has forgotten to pay taxes and credit cards... and has ASD into the bargain, so I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety, rigidity, lack of emotional support and gaslightinng.

yes. I do everything. And work way harder than him. Just now I found that he'd taken all the kids sweatshirts that they left in the living room and instead of hanging them up, or asking the kids to hang them up, he'd just dumped them in a pile in their closet. It's like having a third kid. If I were to go back in time i would marry purely for money bc at least then I'd be less tired.

I do everything (kid stuff, money stuff, etc.) and I'm OK with it. I have a sit down office job with plenty of time to make appointments, etc. My husband does not. I like these tasks and I'm a bit of control freak, so that probably helps.

He and the kids do their own laundry and I'll assign chores as needed. I'd rather do it this way anyway. I know where all the money is, how it's invested and how it's spent.

Start by not doing his laundry. When he runs out of clothes it will be his problem.

Anonymous wrote:You need the Fair Play cards and book OP. I’m serious.

DP. Hey OP, Fair Play gets recommended here, on threads about uneven distribution of chores and resentments over "who carries the load" etc. I haven't used it but it seems to have a lot of adherents and you might want to check it out, especially if chore-related issues really are your main or your only complaints.

It is not worth blowing things up over garbage, or dishes, or laundry (like in another thread active right now, where the issue is that DH's laundry). Passive aggression, resentment, bean-counting of every day's every chore--they can rot, fester and be toxic to otherwise decent relationships. So is this, as the saying goes, a hill worth dying on? Maybe, if it's the tip of a much deeper iceberg and he's actually horrible and blames you for everything else, not just "nagging" him about trash; but that's not the impression given here so far.

You've gotten some other good ideas on this thread like making an alarm notification on his phone responsible for alerting him, or creating a chore list for both of you (not just him). But all those involve sitting down and talking to him. I get it, he's likely to balk and blame at first, and you might say, "But why do I have to be the one to address this problem with him? That's not fair! He should see the problem for himself." Well, it's not fair, and he really should see it himself, but do you want to blow things up over this or do you want to talk it out with some specific solutions?

What he should see, MUCH more than the garbage, is how he acts toward you when he forgets the garbage. Address that head on and every single time he starts to do that. Tell him that it's not about the chore but about his putting it on YOU that HE's not doing the chore.

I am bad at these tasks, I must set alarms/calendar notifications so garbage goes out and bills get paid. I’m the DW but we split chores pretty evenly generally, but if recycling doesn’t make it to the curb we have to beg neighbors to top off their bins next week.

Your schedule isn’t his schedule and that is ok.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband only remembers to take out the trash and recycling maybe 60% of the time and when he forgets he likes to say it’s because I forgot to remind him (I think he’s partly joking but partly not). Meanwhile, other than taking care of himself he literally doesn’t have to remember anything else. I’m the one who has to remember who needs school lunches on what day, who’s library book/homework/anything is due on what day, who needs money for the book fair etc. We both work full time so it’s not like I’m the stay at home parent but it is what it is. Meanwhile, tonight my husband was walking by and I reminded him recycling goes out tonight and he replied “I know!” in a very annoyed tone. I basically told him he doesn’t get to be annoyed with my reminding him if he’s also going to blame me when he doesn’t remember and his response is that he can be annoyed when I remind him when he’s in the middle of doing something else. I know this is a little thing but I’m seriously annoyed by this. He can’t have it both ways.

I am a single dad, who sends kids off to school every day with a packed lunch or money in their cafeteria account, makes sure RSVPs are done for birthday parties, Scout events are catered, thank you notes are written, etc. Your complaints are trifling, and I would have happily done 100 percent of those lightweight paperwork tasks along with the thousand other household tasks I did while I was married to a fat, lazy runt if she had just been willing to mow the lawn and rake the leaves.

I was completely impressed and rooting for you until you started fat shaming and name calling. Now I get why you're divorced.

You should assign him categories and say clearly that you do not want to have to think about those categories. Assign yourself categories, too, decide categories together, even. Then make it clear to everyone in the family that those responsibilities are solely Dad's. Write them down and hang it on your fridge.

Dad:
Garbage and Recycling
Library Book Returns
Ordering Dog Food (or whatever)
Ordering Takeout on Tuesdays and Cooking on Fridays.
Etc

Mom
List your stuff here


The goal is to get you to a place where you don't have to remind him to do stuff.