Anonymous wrote:Wtf. You guys are not a match. You need to tell him up front that you aren’t going to be a sahm and see if he can happily accept that. If not, break up:

Yes, I'm struck by the way OP is presenting this as her choice alone to go along with what her guy wants her to do. She wants to know if she should compromise. Somehow him compromising doesn't even seem to be on the agenda. That is not a good sign.

He may also change his mind when he discovers that he can't afford to have sahm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: But ultimately if a woman wants to work, it’s her decision. If she wants to stay home, it’s a mutual decision.

No. If she wants to work, that has to be a mutual decision, too. It certainly affects him if she does.

Anonymous wrote:So op if he’s taking a hard and fast line on this issue, run. Not because your future career/kid plans are incompatible. But because he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests.

"Having a definite opinion" means "he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests"? Whatever.

What about him working? Is that a mutual decision, too? Because it certainly affects her if he does.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

Where was his father in being there for the formative years, making dinner, helping with schoolwork? The troubling part isn’t that he wants someone there that help with homework, make dinners, and go to school events, but that he only sees one way of that happening and that’s for you to be a SAHM. He could be in a more flexible job, you could have a a parent that lives nearby willing to pick up from daycare, you could have a great nanny, someone could have a job working from home with a nanny or babysitter. Being a team means you both work together and each person is willing to make sacrifices, not expecting the other person to make all the sacrifices/compromises. You could change your mind about SAHM once you have kids. You can’t predict the future of you will feel or the child you will have, but again the key is how you work together to deal with the situation. I’m with the pp that said it’s taking a hard line that’s the problem. There are some situations that have no compromises like having kids or not, getting married or not, but most have some sort of compromise or multiple ways you can get to some of what the person values. If the person is my way of the highway, he isn’t perfect for you unless you happen to always align with what he wants or you are fine never advocating for yourself.

OP your views could change after you have children. Maybe you’ll change your mind and be grateful for the chance to stay home a while with the little ones. It won’t have to be forever. Perhaps you’ll end up staying home awhile then going back to work after the kids are a little older.

Finding a good match to spend the test of your life with, is no easy task. Don’t take this man for granted. You will regret it.

Signed,
Single 39-yr-okd

Anonymous wrote: But ultimately if a woman wants to work, it’s her decision. If she wants to stay home, it’s a mutual decision.

No. If she wants to work, that has to be a mutual decision, too. It certainly affects him if she does.

Anonymous wrote:So op if he’s taking a hard and fast line on this issue, run. Not because your future career/kid plans are incompatible. But because he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests.

"Having a definite opinion" means "he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests"? Whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Staying home when you have kids solely because it's your dh preference is not a "compromise".

OP the stay at home mom crazies are out in full force today trying to justify their decision.

Whether you may or may not ultimately decide to stay home is totally irrelevant. what's relevant is whether your bf is listening to you and hearing your perspective and ultimately is willing to let YOU decide whether or not to work after kids.

People make different compromises. She can choose to stay home for a year, then he can if he thinks one parent being at home with the kids is so important. That's a compromise.

I was just sharing my experience of perspectives changing when you actually have kids, and not just the possibility. I never thought I would want a second child but after the first, my perspective on the one and done changed.

The way you feel and think now may not be how you think and feel later. Life changes, and if you want a happy marriage, you have to be willing to change and compromise. Marriages with either or both parties not changing, being flexible and uncompromising are the ones doomed for failure.

Sure, of course that's true. But it's pretty clear from the posts that the BF has no plan to stay home (i think OP said as much above, but can't remember now - she certainly said he would be the primary earner - so i think we can assume he's not planning on staying home with his traditionalist views). So yes, people need to be flexible. You need to plan for the possibility that one of you may change their mind about their future plans to stay home or not stay home.

But in OP's situation she would be going into the marriage already committed to do something she doesn't want to do. Maybe her views change after having a kid and it works out for her. But you shouldn't count on it.

that is a vastly different situation than going into a marriage with the same plans that make both of you happy, and then your perspectives change based on having a kid so you compromise on the original plans.

Right.. so if this is a deal breaker for her, then she should break it off. I think what some have been saying is that you just never know how you will feel once the kid comes along, and judging by the fact that OP posted this question on here, sounds like she's not sure if this is deal breaker for her, especially given that her BF is otherwise a great catch.

OP - you need to have a heart to heart with your BF about this and not expect DCUM to provide you the answers.