Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

? A satisfied wife? However an O is achieved, if it is achieved, then it's something.

I think the situation is horrible, but unless he is paralyzed and unwilling to have sex in other ways, and if they have an otherwise good marriage, I think OP is risking it. I guess if she thinks PIV is waay more important than her marriage, then ok.

Sex is an important part of marriage, but so is love and commitment. If a spouse can't deal with non PIV sex due to health reasons, and the marriage is otherwise good, then IMO, that spouse is selfish, man or woman.

If they just feel like they are friends and roommates, then OP should be able to have an honest discussion with her DH about it.

Male here - if my wife were physically disabled and I felt the way you did I would seriously consider it. I wouldn’t tell her because it would make her feel even worse about her condition. My only concern would be somehow getting emotionally attached to the other person and really damaging my otherwise happy marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH have working hands? Mouth? Have you gotten creative? I'm sure his self esteem has hit rock bottom, but you can still make each other feel good and foster intimacy without PIV.

That isn’t the same. To expect someone (I’m assuming OP is youngish, 30s-40s) to be the lifetime care giver of their disabled spouse at an early age AND to never have sex again, isn’t fair. She has the option to divorce him and have all the sex she wants with anyone AND not have to physically take care of him. He would have no one to help him then. But she isn’t doing that. It sounds like she wants to be there and care for him in every sense. Having a side affair is the better option to the cut and run. If she is to have the caregiver role long term, her making sure her needs are met in a discreet way should be acceptable.

Why not? Especially for women, most of the time you orgasm not from sole PIV action. You seem to lack any creativity. Do we know any details of his disability? OP made a promise, a very serious and meaningful one. She needs to get permission to step out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch the genders and a man would be crucified for even suggesting this. Just look at the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband anymore “ threads.

Don't want to have sex is an issue that can be worked out with meds, therapy, or divorce.

Physically incapable of having sex but otherwise a loving relationship is a horse of a different color. There's nothing to work on, because there's nothing more she or he could be doing to meet each other's needs. It's physiological.

you're so full of sh*t. substitute DH for DW, and accident for cancer. No f'ing way in hell would anyone endorse a DH to step out on his cancer-stricken wife who is unable to have sex. absolutely no f'ing way.

No. Dealing with cancer is a temporary (hopefully) thing. If a wife had an accident that left her with no vagina THAT would be the same thing. And honestly, what 50% of men with sick wives leave them anyway, so, hey. Yeah, I made that stat up. AND, if she lost her vagina she'd probably give her DH a hall pass. Really.

There are plenty of situations with cancer where there is not hope for recovery and indeed, their is the equivalent of "she lost her vagina," where she isn't capable of any kind of PIV without extreme pain or injury. I say this just to educate you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly.

Then no, don’t do this.

Don’t do it if you love him. Talk to him about this and come up with a solution but don’t go behind his back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good vibrator

+1 your DH also has a mouth and hands. Unless he is paralyzed or is in constant pain, he should be able to do *something*. Your situation sucks, but "in sickness and in health" are in the vows, at least they were in my vows.

If you otherwise have a good marriage, I wouldn't risk it.

And then when it's over he is just left there with...what?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch the genders and a man would be crucified for even suggesting this. Just look at the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband anymore “ threads.

Don't want to have sex is an issue that can be worked out with meds, therapy, or divorce.

Physically incapable of having sex but otherwise a loving relationship is a horse of a different color. There's nothing to work on, because there's nothing more she or he could be doing to meet each other's needs. It's physiological.

you're so full of sh*t. substitute DH for DW, and accident for cancer. No f'ing way in hell would anyone endorse a DH to step out on his cancer-stricken wife who is unable to have sex. absolutely no f'ing way.

No. Dealing with cancer is a temporary (hopefully) thing. If a wife had an accident that left her with no vagina THAT would be the same thing. And honestly, what 50% of men with sick wives leave them anyway, so, hey. Yeah, I made that stat up. AND, if she lost her vagina she'd probably give her DH a hall pass. Really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love DH dearly. But, he had an accident a few years back and is disabled. We haven't "done it" in years. This is a problem the ED drugs can't fix. We have a happy sexless marriage. I miss "it". I've run into an old friend who recently divorced. I see him a few times a year - never near home. Would an occasional friend with benefits, who is fully aware of my circumstances, be a horrible thing?

It's hard to answer this while talking about this like a child, no offense. WHat is "it"? More details are needed to answer the question properly. If it is just that his p*nis doesn't work anymore, and you are able to O (and the O is what is important to you) in a variety of ways, I would advise against it. Are you able to meet you sexual needs using a combination of oral, his hands, a v*brator and anything else necessary? If he is also affectionate I would think that would cover most of the benefits from sex. Not ideal, but not sexless either.

If oral or manual from him is off the table then perhaps you gotta do what you gotta do, but don't rub it in his face unless he's into that sort of thing.

OK, that's kinda funny in the context of the rest of your comment. If he can't participate in sex himself, it's only going to make him feel worse to get her off and mentally, be very sexually aroused and frustrated. He probably wants to suppress his desires.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it. You made a vow for in sickness and in health. My DH is going through serious health issues, and the last thing I would do is cheat on him.

I don't understand, it would be the last thing I would worry about. Especially with all the challenges and changes to my life. The health and well being of my family would come first. If I had health issues or a crisis I would never expect my spouse to cheat. Also, the other person willing to do that knowing you have a husband in that situation has to be pretty bad. That could bring a really bad unknown influence into your life. What if you decide to break it off? Some APs get revengeful. I guess for many of us during tough times you find out who your partner is.

This isn’t an acute health issue or crisis. This is a long term reality for OP who hasn’t had sex in YEARS.

I understand that, but twice a year isn't going to solve that.

She needs to decide what she wants to do with her future imo.

Anonymous wrote:Can’t he perform orally? Use a dildo on you? Regardless, I think it’s pretty horrible to do. Spouses of those sick or disabled don’t get free passes to step-out. You handle your needs yourself and stay true to your vows or you decide your needs are more important than your marriage and you divorce.

What you don't understand is, how that would make him feel. Of course he can do those things for her but then he is sexually turned on and can't do anything for himself which is torturous.

I've been in this situation with a disabled spouse who explained it to me and also INSISTED on my hall pass. I've written about it before. It worked out great for us but everyone is different. In this case, if you do step out with your AP, you better take every possible precaution to make sure he doesn't even suspect a thing. Unless he's brought it up to you and suggested it, you will really be doing him some harm to find out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it. You made a vow for in sickness and in health. My DH is going through serious health issues, and the last thing I would do is cheat on him.

I don't understand, it would be the last thing I would worry about. Especially with all the challenges and changes to my life. The health and well being of my family would come first. If I had health issues or a crisis I would never expect my spouse to cheat. Also, the other person willing to do that knowing you have a husband in that situation has to be pretty bad. That could bring a really bad unknown influence into your life. What if you decide to break it off? Some APs get revengeful. I guess for many of us during tough times you find out who your partner is.

This isn’t an acute health issue or crisis. This is a long term reality for OP who hasn’t had sex in YEARS.

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it. You made a vow for in sickness and in health. My DH is going through serious health issues, and the last thing I would do is cheat on him.

I don't understand, it would be the last thing I would worry about. Especially with all the challenges and changes to my life. The health and well being of my family would come first. If I had health issues or a crisis I would never expect my spouse to cheat. Also, the other person willing to do that knowing you have a husband in that situation has to be pretty bad. That could bring a really bad unknown influence into your life. What if you decide to break it off? Some APs get revengeful. I guess for many of us during tough times you find out who your partner is.

You don’t get a pass to cheat on your husband, op, regardless as to wether or not he (or you for that matter) have a disability. You also don’t get to treat your friend like a dirty little secret. It’s not lost on me that you are thinking this is a good idea with someone who is single and not going home to a wife. It’s also not lost on me that you are hiding what you are doing which makes me think you know just how wrong this is.

All that being said, you are free to leave your husband. I wouldn’t judge you for that, anybody can end a marriage for any reason, there is a reason why there are legal legitimate ways to end and codify the ending of a marriage, but there is no way to legitimize and legally codify an affair.

My suggestion is that you and your husband figure out the sex thing. He may not be able to have penis in vagina intercourse. What can he do? What can you do? Can you touch, do oral, be naked in bed?

At the risk of being crass, know that online porn works with no physical contact from the viewer. Phone sex used to be a “thing” back in the 1980’s and 1990’s. Many couples who are separated for whatever reason are encouraged to have cybersex. Think of all these things and you’ll end up with something.

Know that the medical community doesn’t do well with people who are disabled, they are regarded as medical failures. Doctors are the mechanics of the body, and if they can’t “fix” you, they don’t know what to do.

Think too about your near affair, I’d bet the two of you have exchanged texts, phone calls, information involving no touching that has gotten your juices flowing. If you can do that with a friend, you can also do it with your husband.




I am sympathetic to you and your husband because many medical people have very little information on what someone with a given disability is capable of or of what they may want and/or need to do. This baffles me. As my kid said once when she was in first grade “I thought doctors were supposed to be smart, why is this a problem. She was referring to doctors who were specialists in their field, and it blew her mind that they had no experience or solutions for the problem we were trying to solve… a problem that I did manage to solve successfully.
Once you get your husband back into the idea that he is a sexual being, you will have a better idea of what you’re dealing with. If he refuses to have any kind of sexual relationship, then I’d think about leaving. As shallow as it sounds, human contact is a big deal, and it’s a bigger deal if you don’t have it. Also, sex isn’t something you can just do. Your post and the secrecy in which you are going about your near affair bears this out. If the world worked a little differently, you could openly say to your husband and to your friend “It’s been awhile, instead of the hockey game, let’s get a room” and nobody would care.

Anonymous wrote:Does your DH have working hands? Mouth? Have you gotten creative? I'm sure his self esteem has hit rock bottom, but you can still make each other feel good and foster intimacy without PIV.

That isn’t the same. To expect someone (I’m assuming OP is youngish, 30s-40s) to be the lifetime care giver of their disabled spouse at an early age AND to never have sex again, isn’t fair. She has the option to divorce him and have all the sex she wants with anyone AND not have to physically take care of him. He would have no one to help him then. But she isn’t doing that. It sounds like she wants to be there and care for him in every sense. Having a side affair is the better option to the cut and run. If she is to have the caregiver role long term, her making sure her needs are met in a discreet way should be acceptable.

I'm assuming DH is not a dumb person and he knows damn well that that department of his is not working, so I really don't think it's rubbing salt in his wound by you openly massaging this aspect of your life into a discussion. You know your DH the best in terms of whether he would be OK with it and whether the notion of mentioning it would be rubbing salt on the wound. Sex is important but not the end all be all of marriages. You need to ask yourself the question of when all thing considered (your DH's personality, your own personality, the potential FBW personality), does the benefit outweigh the risk? Does this transaction bolster your relationship with your DH or just mere self-gratification?