Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks will look at resources emotionally and financially - I think when in the thick of this behavior it is hard to see clearly - the past years have been a fog - he definitely praises me in public but silent in private - when confronted to ask what’s wrong just denies it that I don’t deserve to know or he won’t tell me - never ending unresolved conflict.

I think the first starting point is working on me - yes I am a people pleaser - hugely so - need some therapy on this....

90% of women are people pleasers. Maybe the assholes who take advantage of us need to get therapy? Don't forget you can please YOURSELF, too.

LOVE this PP!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks will look at resources emotionally and financially - I think when in the thick of this behavior it is hard to see clearly - the past years have been a fog - he definitely praises me in public but silent in private - when confronted to ask what’s wrong just denies it that I don’t deserve to know or he won’t tell me - never ending unresolved conflict.

I think the first starting point is working on me - yes I am a people pleaser - hugely so - need some therapy on this....

Don't believe his praise. He's just doing that to appear like a nice guy in public. If he never praises you at home, that's the real him.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks will look at resources emotionally and financially - I think when in the thick of this behavior it is hard to see clearly - the past years have been a fog - he definitely praises me in public but silent in private - when confronted to ask what’s wrong just denies it that I don’t deserve to know or he won’t tell me - never ending unresolved conflict.

I think the first starting point is working on me - yes I am a people pleaser - hugely so - need some therapy on this....

Don't be hard on yourself. If you've never experienced this before it's hard to recognize. This is likely something that didn't happen overnight and it will take time to get yourself back.

Anonymous wrote:I went through this for 5 years. I finally made moves to leave and a week later he killed himself. I was the one thing he could control indefinitely and that final loss of control seemed to be his breaking point. I don’t regret it - my mental and emotional well-being had to come first, and it’s amazing what the last year of healing from him has been like.

Holy shit. And I don't mean that in a way that's critical of you.

You are just now losing interest? He seems like an a$$hole

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks will look at resources emotionally and financially - I think when in the thick of this behavior it is hard to see clearly - the past years have been a fog - he definitely praises me in public but silent in private - when confronted to ask what’s wrong just denies it that I don’t deserve to know or he won’t tell me - never ending unresolved conflict.

I think the first starting point is working on me - yes I am a people pleaser - hugely so - need some therapy on this....

Glad to hear you’re looking into therapy.
Was one of your parents an alcoholic?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks will look at resources emotionally and financially - I think when in the thick of this behavior it is hard to see clearly - the past years have been a fog - he definitely praises me in public but silent in private - when confronted to ask what’s wrong just denies it that I don’t deserve to know or he won’t tell me - never ending unresolved conflict.

I think the first starting point is working on me - yes I am a people pleaser - hugely so - need some therapy on this....

90% of women are people pleasers. Maybe the assholes who take advantage of us need to get therapy? Don't forget you can please YOURSELF, too.

Anonymous wrote:Someone on DCUM suggested this website once and it has helped me cope with an extremely abusive and manipulative FIL.

Please read it and see the characteristics of an NPD or BPD personality type. It does not get better and your kids will be majorly screwed by this man mainly because he will start abusing them to get a rise out of you. https://outofthefog.website/

I’ve seen it go two ways.
1) The father is cruel to his kids as well and everyone is walking on eggshells around him. They can be themselves only when dad is not around.
or
2) The father teaches the children to be cruel to their mother, saying she things like “isn’t mom stupid for insert normal thing”. The kids become especially cruel as teenagers and the mom is walking on eggshells around everyone.

Anonymous wrote:This is my marriage of 6 years, OP, except that in public he generally will praise me. Just ignore me and give me the silent treatment more often than not at home. I am miserable. If 1 out of every 14 days he is affectionate and attentive, he cannot understand how after 6 years of this, I don’t want his interest. I don’t want to touch him. I don’t even care whether there may be a smidgen of something legitimate he cousins really be upset about.

I stay because we have a kid together and I can’t subject a child to his moods for 50% of the time. I don’t want to stay but I grew up with emotional and verbal abuse and I can’t leave a young only child alone with this. But yeah, as for me, I just don’t care why he wakes up and doesn’t even want to look at me. Eff him. Nothing I could possibly have ever done could justify a few days of this behavior, much less it being the norm more days than not. He has absolutely no willingness to go to therapy alone or together. I just have to figure out the least damaging time to divorce.

Your child is being subjected to this 100% of the time. She will repeat the same patterns as you and marry a similar man. Or if you have a boy, he will likely think this is normal how you treat your partner. Please break this cycle of abuse.

OP here - thanks will look at resources emotionally and financially - I think when in the thick of this behavior it is hard to see clearly - the past years have been a fog - he definitely praises me in public but silent in private - when confronted to ask what’s wrong just denies it that I don’t deserve to know or he won’t tell me - never ending unresolved conflict.

I think the first starting point is working on me - yes I am a people pleaser - hugely so - need some therapy on this....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is called stonewalling and no wonder you’re ready to be done with him. Google Gottman’s 4 horsemen (of the apocalypse aka divorce). Stonewalling is abuse and detrimental to relationships.

Another solid attribute of Asperger's.

Too bad his Mommy and Daddy did not get him the mental help he needed when he was a child, teen, or young adult.

Not he’s and abusive husband. Untreated aspergers should not get married, and when they do they have a 70% divorce rate. aDHd is slightly lower rate.

Leave within 4-8 months, fast track this and consider retraining orders.

Divorcing and abusive A-hole may be expensive. He may fight for everything.

This is my marriage of 6 years, OP, except that in public he generally will praise me. Just ignore me and give me the silent treatment more often than not at home. I am miserable. If 1 out of every 14 days he is affectionate and attentive, he cannot understand how after 6 years of this, I don’t want his interest. I don’t want to touch him. I don’t even care whether there may be a smidgen of something legitimate he cousins really be upset about.

I stay because we have a kid together and I can’t subject a child to his moods for 50% of the time. I don’t want to stay but I grew up with emotional and verbal abuse and I can’t leave a young only child alone with this. But yeah, as for me, I just don’t care why he wakes up and doesn’t even want to look at me. Eff him. Nothing I could possibly have ever done could justify a few days of this behavior, much less it being the norm more days than not. He has absolutely no willingness to go to therapy alone or together. I just have to figure out the least damaging time to divorce.

Anonymous wrote:This is called stonewalling and no wonder you’re ready to be done with him. Google Gottman’s 4 horsemen (of the apocalypse aka divorce). Stonewalling is abuse and detrimental to relationships.

Another solid attribute of Asperger's.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a ton of emotional and social / relationship immaturity hence ASD very possible.

Even if that is the case it doesn’t mean she has to live with it as her day to day life. Women are not placed on this earth only to fix men.

No, certainly it doesn't. It is just that information can help you to see things for what they are and know how you want to go about it. Knowing that ASD won't change for one, or knowing how to talk to and how to interpret the things could be very helpful to OP to keep some balance till she knows what she needs and wants to do.

I went through this for 5 years. I finally made moves to leave and a week later he killed himself. I was the one thing he could control indefinitely and that final loss of control seemed to be his breaking point. I don’t regret it - my mental and emotional well-being had to come first, and it’s amazing what the last year of healing from him has been like.