Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be really helpful for a post like this to list out the specific information (i.e. annual salaries, total respective retirement savings, ages, etc.).

Why?

This is about money but it's not. Reading the OP and her follow up, I'm guessing OP would be happy to "subsidize" her DH's retirement and be all in, if he were. As long as he's choosing his ex's feelings over hers about child support, he's not all in.

Anonymous wrote:It would be really helpful for a post like this to list out the specific information (i.e. annual salaries, total respective retirement savings, ages, etc.).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if he has a stroke? Even if he had nothing in his name, he wouldn’t be able to get a Medicaid bed due to your situation.

What if OP has a stroke? She also can't get a Medicaid bed...right?

So what does that have to do with the price of beans?

It’s that she could be alive and healthy with many years left where she will need to live in retirement off of her assets. If they remain married, Medicaid will consider many of her assets fair game in determining whether he qualifies for Medicaid to pay for his assisted living or skilled nursing care.

If OP has a stroke and doesn’t qualify for Medicaid, she has her own assets to cover her care.

To be even clearer, she’ll have to use the money she is so protective of to pay for her husband, who she clearly does not want to subsidize.

Generally liquid assets (assets that are easily converted to cash) owned by either spouse of a married couple are considered jointly owned, regardless of whose name is on the asset. For example, say a long-term care Medicaid applicant is married and his/her non-applicant spouse has a checking account that doesn’t have the applicant’s name on it. For purposes of Medicaid asset calculation, this bank account will still be counted towards the applicant’s asset limit. As far as retirement accounts, some states view them as jointly owned, regardless of whose name is on them.

Other states do not. In Pennsylvania and California, the retirement plan of a community spouse is exempt from being counted as an asset for the applicant spouse. In other states, such as New York, the non-applicant spouse’s retirement account is exempt from being counted as an asset as long as it is in payout status. Yet other states, like Colorado, count the retirement savings plans of both spouses, regardless of if only one spouse is applying for Medicaid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has a good salary, FA might have already been out of the picture. OP, I think you're going to have to accept that you will subsidize his retirement. If you were a man, you would be broiled here for suggesting otherwise. As for his kids college, I agree with one of tg he PPs that ypu need to push him to get money from his ex. His kids deserve your advocacy for their future.

This. If he can max retirement, he probably earns too much for his kids to qualify for meaningful aid anyway.

How long has he had primary custody? Agree that he should go for CS.

Anonymous wrote:If he has a good salary, FA might have already been out of the picture. OP, I think you're going to have to accept that you will subsidize his retirement. If you were a man, you would be broiled here for suggesting otherwise. As for his kids college, I agree with one of tg he PPs that ypu need to push him to get money from his ex. His kids deserve your advocacy for their future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if he has a stroke? Even if he had nothing in his name, he wouldn’t be able to get a Medicaid bed due to your situation.

What if OP has a stroke? She also can't get a Medicaid bed...right?

So what does that have to do with the price of beans?

It’s that she could be alive and healthy with many years left where she will need to live in retirement off of her assets. If they remain married, Medicaid will consider many of her assets fair game in determining whether he qualifies for Medicaid to pay for his assisted living or skilled nursing care.

If OP has a stroke and doesn’t qualify for Medicaid, she has her own assets to cover her care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if he has a stroke? Even if he had nothing in his name, he wouldn’t be able to get a Medicaid bed due to your situation.

What if OP has a stroke? She also can't get a Medicaid bed...right?

So what does that have to do with the price of beans?

Anonymous wrote:
What if he has a stroke? Even if he had nothing in his name, he wouldn’t be able to get a Medicaid bed due to your situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please go see a financial advisor ASAP so they can help you figure this all out.

Shed doesn't need a financial advisor. She needs a marriage counselor or a a divorce lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a professor, and his college belongs to an association of colleges. He and his kids are counting on going to one of these. They will receive a massive break on tuition. All are top tier, some in the top 20 colleges in the country. So there is a range of options the kids should get into, the kids know these are their options and are happy with that. So this is a saving grace.

What gets my goat is that DH's ex earns a decent salary but spends it 100% on herself, including a new home, car, trips, etc. So she has an ability to contribute but does not. She is difficult, so DH has chosen not to "upset" her by taking her to court. We have the kids 5-6 days/week.

So he’s upsetting you by needing your assets to retire.

Why does he not want to upset her further? I’ll bet you he cheated.

No, he did not. She has borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and is on the autism spectrum. She admits all this and that she was a horrible wife. She is just a very selfish and not very functional person. She has said she regrets having children because it ruined her lifestyle. She sees herself as a victim and thinks it's unfair that she contribute any $ to the kids because she makes "only" 2/3 what my DH does. Generally, in life, she is looking for what she can get. When DH has asked her to contribute anything, she claims complete poverty and that she doesn't have it (but then is taking vacations, always wearing new outfits, etc.). By doing all the parenting work and paying for it, DH doesn't have to have much contact with her, and I understand why that's easier. When she's upset, she sends him a barrage of texts/emails and he'd prefer not to deal with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really love this guy, you could consider cross subsiding him. This is what (virtually all) men do for (virtually all) women and have done since the dawn of time.

+1 I married a woman with 2 kids and few assets but I knew it and it was what I accepted as part of the package deal. While I wish she had had a lot of assets it was my choice and I’m happy with it. I didn’t rush into the relationship until I knew I really liked her children and they liked me.

NO OP..do NOT do this!

don't worry, she won't lol

Anonymous wrote:Please go see a financial advisor ASAP so they can help you figure this all out.