Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

More importantly why haven't you combined finances. Married couples both names on house, both names on cars, both names on bank accounts. Unless there is one person who has a gambling addiction or major debt before marriage why don't you trust enough to share? And no "wife account" is not cultural.

Spoken like a true gold digger.

Wrong

Spoken by someone married 40 years and going strong. I had money he had none. Put him through school I worked. . You set your marriage up to fail period. And you are controlling. Get over yourself. You don’t have a marriage. Yes there are many ways to have one, but you are posting on an online forum asking questions that’s are so ridiculous, are you kidding I am not the one who has issues.

You don't dictate what other people do with their money, you old goat.

Interesting, continuing to show your true colors. Controlling and when you can not you show your lower intelligence.

She may be pondering what her life would’ve been like in a traditional Chinese marriage - and bc grass is always greener - now she’s regretting getting with a white guy bc in her mind, a Chinese husband would’ve given her soooo much better.

Do you have significant assets and that’s why you made your DW sign a prenup? Your finances are separate which must be making DW feel insecure and she’s also getting bad advice from nosy women. Even if the idea of getting a “wife” house/account appealed to her, she shouldn’t have just sprung it up on you as if you’re going to comply. She sounds young and not so savvy enough to be a gold digger. ?

You have been married only 3 years so it’s early but you have to set the tone right and you can make some changes so you’re on the right path. If there isn’t trust and things aren’t done jointly then it’ll be difficult to move things forward without resentment and build a life together. What if you guys have kids and she wants to sahm and doesn’t make her own income? Will you support that or would you want her to continue working and expect both to pay for a nanny/daycare?

FWIW, I’m Asian, DH’s Asian. I owned a house before we met and then sold it after we married and DH wanted nothing to do with it and wanted me to keep all my money and earnings in a separate account. We also paid for our wedding together since we could afford it and didn’t want our parents getting involved. We also discussed before marriage that being a SAHM was important to me and he agreed so that’s what I did soon after having a baby. After we got married, we lived on the money he brought in even though I worked as well. When I stopped working, we continued to keep separate accounts but also have a joint account so the big expenses like the mortgage gets paid from his account and I take a small monthly amount to spend on monthly expenses. I know I’m lucky that DH doesn’t micromanage and doesn’t care how I use our money but I also don’t spend carelessly so there’s no need for him to worry. We have assets and investments that he always puts both of our names on and he always got life insurance upped each time we had another kid so that if anything were to happen to him, we would be protected. DH has made me feel secure without me having to say anything and has made me feel like an equal partner even though he now makes 10x more than he did at the beginning of our marriage. We remained the same and our spending remained the same. I know that had he approached our finances differently we would be at a different place now and maybe I would’ve resorted to a more hoarding behavior and putting money aside to protect myself in case we divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

More importantly why haven't you combined finances. Married couples both names on house, both names on cars, both names on bank accounts. Unless there is one person who has a gambling addiction or major debt before marriage why don't you trust enough to share? And no "wife account" is not cultural.

Spoken like a true gold digger.

Wrong

Spoken by someone married 40 years and going strong. I had money he had none. Put him through school I worked. . You set your marriage up to fail period. And you are controlling. Get over yourself. You don’t have a marriage. Yes there are many ways to have one, but you are posting on an online forum asking questions that’s are so ridiculous, are you kidding I am not the one who has issues.

You don't dictate what other people do with their money, you old goat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm white (though not born in US), married to a Taiwanese guy.

I'm wondering if she's feeling insecure in the marriage and this is her way of getting attention. Or if she feels slighted or taken advantage of in other ways, and this is her way of settling the score. As someone who grew up in the U.S., she must realize that your marriage isn't going to follow traditional Chinese customs. Does she behave as a traditional Chinese wife, and that's what's prompting her to make these demands? And are you very wealthy, and is that why she married you?

I know that it's typical in Taiwanese couples for the woman to control the finances, regardless of whether she works outside the home, and for her to limit spending. But again, when a person marries outside the culture, he/she can't expect same.

In sum, I think this is just the excuse, and something else is bothering her. How you respond is key. I don't mean you should give in, but you should be careful and treat her well but firmly state why it's a no-go.

1. I've considered if there is something else going on and I've asked and I'm having trouble unraveling the various statements. They have ranged from comments about anniversary gifts, to cars, to how her mom and dad do things...
2. I do ok but I'm not "wealthy."
3. Her dad turns over money to her mom. I don't think he turns all of it over but they have some kind of arrangement. Her mom is obsessive about money. She physically goes to the bank a couple times a week to check on it. I very frankly told her and her mom and her dad to their face that we would not be doing that sort of thing and I asked them to respect that. I am wondering if her mother is causing some amount of this issue behind the scenes.

It sounds like you both have control issues with money. Maybe go to counseling or get some outside perspectives. What a nothing thing to eat up your marriage over. If you both love each other you both need to give up the control a bit.

I got a reverse dowry from my Asian in laws in the form of assets that belong to me. I’m white.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm white (though not born in US), married to a Taiwanese guy.

I'm wondering if she's feeling insecure in the marriage and this is her way of getting attention. Or if she feels slighted or taken advantage of in other ways, and this is her way of settling the score. As someone who grew up in the U.S., she must realize that your marriage isn't going to follow traditional Chinese customs. Does she behave as a traditional Chinese wife, and that's what's prompting her to make these demands? And are you very wealthy, and is that why she married you?

I know that it's typical in Taiwanese couples for the woman to control the finances, regardless of whether she works outside the home, and for her to limit spending. But again, when a person marries outside the culture, he/she can't expect same.

In sum, I think this is just the excuse, and something else is bothering her. How you respond is key. I don't mean you should give in, but you should be careful and treat her well but firmly state why it's a no-go.

1. I've considered if there is something else going on and I've asked and I'm having trouble unraveling the various statements. They have ranged from comments about anniversary gifts, to cars, to how her mom and dad do things...
2. I do ok but I'm not "wealthy."
3. Her dad turns over money to her mom. I don't think he turns all of it over but they have some kind of arrangement. Her mom is obsessive about money. She physically goes to the bank a couple times a week to check on it. I very frankly told her and her mom and her dad to their face that we would not be doing that sort of thing and I asked them to respect that. I am wondering if her mother is causing some amount of this issue behind the scenes.

If you want to see who you're marrying, you can usually figure it out by looking at their parents. I'd start there. Look at page 17-20 of this booklet and do it with your wife. Print it out, complete it alone, and then compare your answers. Hopefully that can get you closer to figuring out the disparity here.

https://www.prepare-enrich.com/landing/couples_workbook.html

I would say her throwing in the cultural card at this point is BS. But you shouldn't dismiss everything she's saying or you're headed to divorce if you can't talk through stuff. Best of luck.

I am russian, and for many of my compatriots it is important that the husband gives expensive gifts.
I have never heard about a wife account, but cars, jewelry, expensive vacations - this is often expected by more traditional women.
I think smart husbands sort of play along and buy them stuff, it’s marital property anyway, so...
I am just giving you the perspective. Maybe buy her a fancy gift and see what she says. Even a nice laptop will do to test the waters.
Maybe she doesn’t feel loved since she doesn’t get gifts. Not saying this is right but just the way some people are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:background is that I'm white and my wife is Chinese.

We have been married about three years and my wife has recently started telling me that she has (or had) expectations that I should have (or should be) been giving her money to fill up some type of personal bank account and that without that she hasn't "gotten anything out of the marriage." It isn't just about a pure chase exchange but she has started making comments about how "you didn't buy me a house in my name."

It looks like, in her mind, there is some expectation that the wife is to be given some significantly large quantity of money as well as some property that is to be exclusively hers. Like some reverse dowry. This issue started coming up recently after she started spending time with other Chinese women and it appears they have been comparing what their bank accounts.

Our situation is that I have a house that we live in which was purchased before the marriage. She has her own income and she keeps it in her own bank account. I've been totally taken by surprise by the notion that she is owed a cash payment and a house. She has said that these other women have anywhere from 100 - 200k in their "wife" account and that their husbands have bought an extra house in the wife's name only.

The whole scenario sounds totally screwed up to me.
Can anyone out there explain to me what she might be thinking?
Is this some sort of cultural thing?

I would love a rational perspective from someone that is actually Chinese.

None of this was an issue (that I knew about) until now.

More importantly why haven't you combined finances. Married couples both names on house, both names on cars, both names on bank accounts. Unless there is one person who has a gambling addiction or major debt before marriage why don't you trust enough to share? And no "wife account" is not cultural.

Spoken like a true gold digger.

Wrong

Spoken by someone married 40 years and going strong. I had money he had none. Put him through school I worked. . You set your marriage up to fail period. And you are controlling. Get over yourself. You don’t have a marriage. Yes there are many ways to have one, but you are posting on an online forum asking questions that’s are so ridiculous, are you kidding I am not the one who has issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree on putting her name on the house. It's a premarital asset as OP says.

But both OP and his wife's paycheck is joint property and wife should be sharing.

I'm a DW of 21 years, and inherited my dad's house and it's separate property and my DH is fine with that. It actually works out better because his parents are needy (due to financial carelessness, not health reasons) and it keeps my separate property out of the mix. I want to make sure our DC's get that house!

OP needs to check state law on the bolded. My DH owned a house before we got engaged. We lived in it together for the first two years or so we were married, but never got around to putting my name on the title. We found out later that under state law (not in the DMV), that didn't matter. Because the house was our marital residence, it was considered marital property even though DH had owned it prior to the marriage, and he couldn't refinance the mortgage or sell the house without my signature. We don't have a prenup...I'm not sure whether or not that would have made a difference but for his own protection that's something OP should look into.

I know nothing about Chinese culture or what OPs wife is thinking, but she's lived here long enough to know about American customs and to realize that if she wanted a more traditional Chinese marriage, she should have dated/married a man also interested in that.

+1 I purchased the house we live in before we married (been married 22 years FWIW). After we married, I did not put DH on the title because, from the poinnt we got married, it was considered marital property. OTOH, when I first started living we DH, we were living in a condo he and his parents purchased. We never lived there while married and it was not considered marital property.

DH did not get attended to the title to our home until the home was refinanced. I wouldn't put anyone on the title that also wasn't on the mortgage. Otherwise, they get all the benefit and none of the financial liability.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce this one and don’t marry another communist.

OPs wife is a true capitalist. After reading this thread, I'm rooting for her and not him.

You mean she's a Warren capitalist -- steal as much as you can.

Date a lot more after divorcing this one.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce this one and don’t marry another communist.

OPs wife is a true capitalist. After reading this thread, I'm rooting for her and not him.

Divorce this one and don’t marry another communist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. she doesn't want combined finances because she doesn't want to share her income.
2. I bought the house before we got married and I have a significant amount of equity in it. I don't see why I should "put her name on the house" if she isn't going to help pay the mortgage or repairs. If I die she will get the house but if she divorces me then I don't plan on giving her half of everything I put into the house prior to marriage. This is me talking bluntly I'm not this blunt about it otherwise. Its a premarital asset.

Why did you marry this woman if you aren't combining your assets? I mean, in your mind, are you giving it a 50/50 chance? Sounds like you're literally banking on eventual divorce. Do it now, I guess. Hopefully this is before you ahve kids.

He can do whatever he wants with his money. I know married guys who have acquired significant assets prior to marriage, and not a single one of them just hands over the money for their wife to blow. Of course you want his money because he has a LOT more than you.