Anonymous wrote:NP. I have given up being the friendly, chatty, welcoming neighbor.

I used to say hi and chit chat at the kids' bus stop. I used to bring a note and a gift basket through our HOA to personally welcome new neighbors. I used to say hello at our kids' sporting events, even start a conversation.
I've even house sat during a funeral, delivered sympathy cards, helped two neighbors pack up and move, hosted impromptu play dates when a parent was unexpectedly unable to get kid from school.

I feel used. Not one of these people I attempted to befriend or displayed general kindness ever responded, or reciprocated or called or I'd guess, appreciated or cared. So, I'm done. There's a neighborhood group like the Club PP mentioned. I'm not a part of it.

And now I'll wave at you as I drive past. Don't know any of the people who have moved in recently.

Am I socially aggressive? Maybe, but providing perspective here. I don't want to bother attempting to establish a friendship when basic kindnesses are dismissed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.

I agree with this. I'm not in a group of mom friends, but have been excluded. I remember being at an out of town basketball tournament and the group was going on about how they had dinner the night before etc and I was thinking, "wow, they are really not thinking, that there are five of them talking about this dinner and I'm here and they didn't invite me (or my kid)."

They are just not thinking...about you. So they don't think to invite you to dinner, and don't think about how you are standing there listening to them talk about their dinner. Or whatever it is, OP.

I don't take it personally and I also know others who have been excluded and there is nothing wrong with these moms or these kids that were excluded. It's just that that group goes way back and they are tight, and they have no idea how exclusionary or mean that they may appear to others.

Anonymous wrote:We’re at a private international school overseas, and I’m sure some people would lump me in with the clique-y moms. I spend a lot of time with a core group of women who have been here for decades and welcomed me into expat life over here. We are also in our location for the long run.

Many other families come & go every year, and I’ve found it too exhausting to invest time in building a friendship with someone who only has a 1 or 2 year time horizon. While I’m polite to new families, it won’t go further than banal chatter unless it is clear that they are also making a commitment to stay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the socially aggressive mean moms have a few things in common, one of which is poorly feigning that they did not "realize" how they were acting. Who needs it?

100% this. They claim they don’t realize they were being exclusive or rude. Total gaslighting. You’re better off without it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the socially aggressive mean moms have a few things in common, one of which is poorly feigning that they did not "realize" how they were acting. Who needs it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?

But do you just think those thoughts and disappear into the curtains? Or do you actually introduce yourself? When I'm super friendly and sometimes people stare at me incredulous that I've "broken through the other side," and they can't believe I'm talking to them. If you want people to talk to you and your kid, you're going to have to start doing some talking. Are you simply waiting for invitations to things to pour in? Then you might be waiting a long time. Why not organize and invite others? Some people expect to do nothing and just take and then they wonder why people aren't giving to them.

No I didn't just slink away, I just stood there for a few beats, thinking "surely she will acknowledge us in some way, even if it's just an afterthought, because to do otherwise is just glaringly rude....nope, that's what she intends to do." Then I turned around and introduced myself and my DD to another parent and then more people started coming in. They seemed normal and friendly and we had good chats.

I am friendly and nice. I have been in the position of the old-timer welcoming new people and I try to include everyone.

Of course, people can step forward and take initiative to introduce themselves, but it doesn't excuse rudeness when people purposely include some (whom they deem socially advantageous to know) and exclude others.

OP, here's the thing. I've been where you are. If you are a nice person who, if the tables were turned, would make an effort to make a newcomer feel welcome, you have trouble understanding why others would make so little effort to include you and your daughter. You wouldn't act any other way, but reality is that many people are selfish, self absorbed, and not interested in exhibiting any level of kindness unless it benefits them in some way. You can't change people like that, and, as you have seen with these responses, if you question their lack of courtesy, they will tell you it is your problem.

Continue being nice, friendly, and approachable and hopefully you can find some parents to connect with who are more like you. And you never know. Perhaps you caught some of these parents on a bad day. Keep an open mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t at a private school, but I see this kind of insecure projection in other venues. There was a discussion this summer on dcum regarding swim teams. People were convinced that they are intentionally socially excluded because their kids aren’t A meet swimmers. The truth is that people gravitate towards others with whom they have shared time and experiences.

I don’t see anything socially aggressive in what you describe. The fact that you think that being full pay should give you a social boost may indicate a problem with your outlook.

Don’t you see why this is a problem???? You think this makes is ok to exclude people? There are plenty of friendly and inclusive people who have had shared time and experiences with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"

Depending on the kids age, that's appropriate for the mom to be there.

They were in 7th grade. I apologized to DD when she told me. Had I known the mom intended to go I would have told her DD had been going to movies with just friends for two years already and if she wasn't comfortable with that maybe they should find a different activity to do.

Seriously?

Dp. Seriously, PP, you apologized to your DD for having to endure a mom's company during a movie? The suffering! Are you trying to cultivate a mean girl?

She's in 11th grade now, and most definitely NOT a meal girl. She just didn't want to hang out with a mom, with her friends. In 7th grade, they were all about going places without adults.

I have an 8th grader who just went to the movies with his friend and his friends' mom--because she wanted to see the movie too. She offered to sit elsewhere, and both boys declined the offer...because they're not a$$holes. There isn't really any interacting during the movie anyway. Unless, of course, you're an a$$hole who talks during the movie?

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes these moms have a million friends and it never crosses their mind that you don’t also have lots of friends and a super busy life.

There is a queen bee mom in my neighborhood who is nice to me, but is never going to invite me to something sans kids. There is a large group of moms in my neighborhood who have a monthly get together they call “club night”. I was invited once and I went. I thought I was fun and interesting, but I was never invited again. Queen bee mentions “club” all the time. Like “oh do you know Larla? She is in club too”. I don’t know how she doesn’t realize that A) I’m not in their club B) it’s hurtful every time she reminds me that apparently all of the friendships and social organizing in the neighborhood formed 2 years before we bought our house and that no many how many things I volunteer for, I will never break in.