Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

I can't understand this mindset. He cares enough about his family's support for his marriage to have you attend his wedding and have you all witness the vows he willingly took, and yet he can't understand why you aren't more welcoming to the OW two days after leaving? Crazy!

Because my brother is a selfish jerk with a raging case of Peter Pan Syndrome. This is the same guy who a couple months later went to his kids' birthday party, hosted by the wife he walked out on (and he still hadn't filed for divorce at this point!) and brought along OW. And, again, why were we all so mean and not nice and cold and not welcoming? She's his soulmate!

Your brother is a royal ass. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. His poor kids.

If both you and your parents decide to not meet your brother with the OW then he has a very difficult decision to make regarding maintaining relationship with his own family. I think the ball is in his court, not yours. I don’t know if HE values you and your parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

I can't understand this mindset. He cares enough about his family's support for his marriage to have you attend his wedding and have you all witness the vows he willingly took, and yet he can't understand why you aren't more welcoming to the OW two days after leaving? Crazy!

Because my brother is a selfish jerk with a raging case of Peter Pan Syndrome. This is the same guy who a couple months later went to his kids' birthday party, hosted by the wife he walked out on (and he still hadn't filed for divorce at this point!) and brought along OW. And, again, why were we all so mean and not nice and cold and not welcoming? She's his soulmate!

Your brother is a royal ass. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. His poor kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP he's disgusting. As a married man with kids he wants to bring the co-cheater to your home?

No way, and that long needed talk would be given. That's a horrible thing to do to his kids, both parents need to not date at this time. Make sure the kids get use to the new living arrangements, and all the new stresses. Not bring some floozy around that helped destroy a family.

TG no less. SMH

This is op's family member you're talking about. He has blown up his life and is trying to connect with his family. He is deserving of love and kindness, even if op chooses not to meet the girlfriend at this time. Do you toss family aside when they f*ck up?

No I don’t, but I also don’t enable continued f*ck ups.

No, I will not buy beer for a brother who just had a DUI. I also wouldn’t buy drugs for the drug addict no matter “how mean” they thought it was. Along the same lines I don’t support adultery. If you want me to meet your girlfriend, get a divorce from your wife first. Until then, keep your affairs out of my house and away from my family. You can tantrum about how “mean” I am not to welcome your affair partner all you want.

My sister was in a long term polygamist relationship or whatever you call it. There were more than one serious long term relationships and they all lived together. My parents were not happy and basically cut them off. I didn’t approve at all but did not speak negatively of anyone for several reasons. She’s my sister and , cutting her off meant no contact, there were kids involved that she cared about even if they weren’t biologically hers, and knowing she’d be gone if none of us spoke to them. This went on for years and years. I saw them occasionally and was always nice to everyone even though the entire thing disgusted me. More than anything I wanted to know she was okay. And we were there for her when it fell apart and they broke up, which was basically a divorce since this lasted for years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

I can't understand this mindset. He cares enough about his family's support for his marriage to have you attend his wedding and have you all witness the vows he willingly took, and yet he can't understand why you aren't more welcoming to the OW two days after leaving? Crazy!

Because my brother is a selfish jerk with a raging case of Peter Pan Syndrome. This is the same guy who a couple months later went to his kids' birthday party, hosted by the wife he walked out on (and he still hadn't filed for divorce at this point!) and brought along OW. And, again, why were we all so mean and not nice and cold and not welcoming? She's his soulmate!

I would say no

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

Wow. Did your brother have kids from his marriage?

Yep. Twins who were 3 at the time.

Tell him you will be asking her difficult questions if she comes like ‘why would you sleep with a married man?’ He wants you to accept her then you have a right to question her about her character.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

I can't understand this mindset. He cares enough about his family's support for his marriage to have you attend his wedding and have you all witness the vows he willingly took, and yet he can't understand why you aren't more welcoming to the OW two days after leaving? Crazy!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

Wow. Did your brother have kids from his marriage?

OP, I understand how you feel. My brother showed up at Easter......with the OW! He left his family two days before. We were blindsided, and my brother and OW couldn't understand why we weren't more welcoming. It was awful. My brother demanded immediate acceptance and the result was strained relationships with some family members and wholesale destruction of relationships with others.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is okay to tell him you want to wait until the divorce is final. Maybe have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you love him, but you are working through your own feelings of loss (losing your sister-in-law), and that it is complicated, but that you are looking forward to meeting his partner in the future. You just aren't quite ready now.

+1

Hold firm on not meeting her at this time, when he is still married to SIL, and speak with both kindness and honesty.

The fact is your brother does not want you too meet her. The OW is pulling some bull and is begging to meet the family to feel legitimate.

Just say it's too soon. Your brother will be relieved because then he can blame you for not bringing her around.

Anonymous wrote:I would say that as far as you’re concerned, he only has one wife at a time. If he’s not divorced, then he’s still married to SIL.

You will meet the OW after his divorce is final and not a second before.

This, or a version of it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He blew up his whole family - the rest of you don't have to help.

It's not clear to me from the OP how long the have been dating other than that the divorce is not finalized so potentially they could have been dating for 1 year+?

If so, I'd probably just meet up with them at a coffee place (without my kids) for a half hour or something. Part of that is taking the long view though in case things with them end up working out better to be cordial than to have her potentially carry a grudge.