Anonymous wrote:I would not be ok with this. I’m in my 30’s I let my mother know my whereabouts not every second of everyday but she knows my plans for the day and I live across the country from her.

That is creepy as hell. WTF!

Anonymous wrote:That sounds very controlling. It would be reasonable to have him let you now if he wont' be home for dinner or if you need hi home but needing to know where he is what he is doing and who he is with all the time is about control.

You are preparing them for their next relationships. If they have never had control of themselves - you have 100% control then they are fare more likely to get into relationships where someone else controls them and wants to know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing all the time.

He is 17 and you have one year until he is gone to college. Figure out how to be okay without 100% control. Figure out what you need to do in terms of him being respectful of the family.

Agree with this. At 17 you should just give them a curfew, and let them know to let you know if they will be elsewhere for dinner. This sort of helicoptering creates anxious kids who are afraid to make a move without validation.

Anonymous wrote:At 17, I was 3,000+ miles away from my parents at college; we talked maybe once per week between August, when I flew out (by myself), and December, when I flew back for Christmas break. (Had to come up with my own plan for Thanksgiving - airfare was too expensive to get back and forth for only a week.) This conversation is kind of blowing my mind.

Why? Some families are close. Nothing weird about it.

At 17, I was 3,000+ miles away from my parents at college; we talked maybe once per week between August, when I flew out (by myself), and December, when I flew back for Christmas break. (Had to come up with my own plan for Thanksgiving - airfare was too expensive to get back and forth for only a week.) This conversation is kind of blowing my mind.

OP here - thanks for all the varied advice. We are working on a compromise.

He should not be held responsible for controlling your anxiety if he's not "in the coop", no.

It's a reasonable expectation to have all members of the family check in with each other about who will be home for dinner, or setting rules about which days of the week will be dinner together. Otherwise, no, I don't think it's reasonable to expect a well behaved 17 year old to report his whereabouts every afternoon after school.

My teens age 16+ just need to tell me when they'll be home for the night to within an hour window & whether or not to expect them for dinner. I only require them to ask permission to go someplace if they're intending to be there overnight. Imo it's a good baby step towards the complete unmonitored independence of college & adulthood in general.

I would try to meet him halfway. Say he can be wherever until X time (perhaps dinner), but if he's out after then, he needs to let you know where he is and when he's planning to come home.

Anonymous wrote:Not unreasonable. I expect anyone who lives in the household to have common courtesy and let people know if and when they'll be home. Sure, they won't be doing that next year. But they are still living at home and it's rude not to.

+1

I would expect a text saying I'm staying after school (or going out with friends) and won't be home until about x time. X time doesn't have to be specific. It could be not before 9, around 7 or 8, after the game...As an example, DS went to the mall with friends and planned to be back home at around 6, but ended up coming home at 11. It wasn't a problem because he texted to say he was going to friend's house after the mall and would be there for a while. I didn't worry that he wasn't back from the mall at 11, and I didn't include him in our dinner plans. No big deal. When I'm running late I'll text and say, I'm coming home later than usual. If I don't text, I'll get a text from one of the kids checking in. Same with DH. It's just curtesy.

Anonymous wrote:I would not be ok with this. I’m in my 30’s I let my mother know my whereabouts not every second of everyday but she knows my plans for the day and I live across the country from her.

That’s extremely odd

My 17 yr old decided last May to go live with her brother and his wife and kids for her senior year, a thousand miles from where I live. We rarely talk because we follow the same policy as I follow with her three older brothers -No news is good news. If they need serious advice or if something really great happens, they will call me. If everything is fine, we all barely even text. I am all about shoving my chicks out of the nest ASAP. All of mine have done well. I am proud of my kids. I have no control, nor do I want any. I just keep them in my prayers and enjoy watching them fly. I tell mine to trust God and their gut and to question with boldness. Then make informed decisions. It is how I live. Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

Yes, he's a good kid. But again...it's not a matter of asking permission; but rather just knowing if he's home, if he will be home for dinner or not, etc.

Letting you/his father know if he'll be home for dinner is common courtesy. I'd make that a rule and enforce it.

Anonymous wrote:I would not be ok with this. I’m in my 30’s I let my mother know my whereabouts not every second of everyday but she knows my plans for the day and I live across the country from her.

You’re weird. Own it.

Drugs. Or girlfriend.