Anonymous wrote:

Great, for now. His feelings and coping may change as he grows. Be aware and prepared.

Any child’s can. Heck, there might be onset of mental illness, happens to the best of us.
It is so pathetic that people see divorce as something evil.
Staying together and suffering is what’s evil.

There are definitely divorces that are evil - i.e., the product of selfishness rather than actual "suffering". (No, your sexual and emotional boredom does not constitute "suffering".)

There's no need to shame divorced people; I understand the reflex until my sister mustered the courage to leave an abusive man. The kids are doing better without him there.

Some divorced people deserve to be shamed.

Every woman who gets divorced claims she was "abused" and that "the kids are doing better now" -- which doesn't necessarily make it so.

Plus 1000 (signed a divorced woman.)

lol. you know what would definitely shorten my lifespan? Staying with my STBX. Not to mention it would destroy my quality of life, which is important too. Do you think people who divorce can't do basic math?

This is what selfish people who don't care about their kids always say.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

It's not the divorce, it's the cost of maintaining two households for the rest of your lives. Right now I'm trying to help pay for my parents' assisted living and it's obvious to all of us that married, they could have a much nicer place. Two single arrangements is far more costly and we/they just can't afford anything nice.

I’d rather pay for two households even though my quality of life will deceasing. It will cost way more emotionally and living with regret if I do not divorce. The cost of living as a single person is worth it. I do not consider that a cost of divorce. I consider that a cost of living—which I had when I was single before marriage. The tiny benefit of finances is not worth it. Also, I work. No financial benefit to stay married. I do not care about having a smaller place.

OMG, I would absolutely trade living in a miserable assisted living apartment with my STBX for living alone in a Medicaid nursing home. Absolutely zero question. You anti-divorce people aren't quite grasping that divorce comes when you CANNOT LIVE WITH the other person. I'm miserable now with him, and I can't imagine how much more miserable I would be with him in our 80s in assisted living! WTF!

Easy to say now. But when you get a look at what Medicaid actually funds, you may feel differently. Some of these places are downright unsafe and shorten life span.

I'm not saying don't divorce if you really feel you need to. But when people say that divorce is expensive, this is what they're trying to tell you. Do it with your eyes open.

lol. you know what would definitely shorten my lifespan? Staying with my STBX. Not to mention it would destroy my quality of life, which is important too. Do you think people who divorce can't do basic math?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who all these people are with messed up kids from divorce. But I know just as many messed up kids in intact families. It becomes a new life reality. Having the parents not fight is an important first step.

+1

It is not divorce that screws kids up. It is the parents. Can be just as screwed up from parents who stayed married (and should have divorced).

Agree agree. My parents divorcing did NOT have long term affect. They were so so mismatched! What was painful was my mother’s remarriage to a man who always resented us. Very difficult to handle as a child with long term affects for our family structure and everlasting changes to my relationship with my mom.

I do think divorce itself is very stressful for kids, but the impact of bringing a new boyfriend/girlfriend/adult into the household to be a step-parent multiplies that by a hundred! It is a very scary experience for a kid to have a new adult who is basically a stranger but acting like a parent!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

It's not the divorce, it's the cost of maintaining two households for the rest of your lives. Right now I'm trying to help pay for my parents' assisted living and it's obvious to all of us that married, they could have a much nicer place. Two single arrangements is far more costly and we/they just can't afford anything nice.

I’d rather pay for two households even though my quality of life will deceasing. It will cost way more emotionally and living with regret if I do not divorce. The cost of living as a single person is worth it. I do not consider that a cost of divorce. I consider that a cost of living—which I had when I was single before marriage. The tiny benefit of finances is not worth it. Also, I work. No financial benefit to stay married. I do not care about having a smaller place.

OMG, I would absolutely trade living in a miserable assisted living apartment with my STBX for living alone in a Medicaid nursing home. Absolutely zero question. You anti-divorce people aren't quite grasping that divorce comes when you CANNOT LIVE WITH the other person. I'm miserable now with him, and I can't imagine how much more miserable I would be with him in our 80s in assisted living! WTF!

Easy to say now. But when you get a look at what Medicaid actually funds, you may feel differently. Some of these places are downright unsafe and shorten life span.

I'm not saying don't divorce if you really feel you need to. But when people say that divorce is expensive, this is what they're trying to tell you. Do it with your eyes open.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who all these people are with messed up kids from divorce. But I know just as many messed up kids in intact families. It becomes a new life reality. Having the parents not fight is an important first step.

+1

It is not divorce that screws kids up. It is the parents. Can be just as screwed up from parents who stayed married (and should have divorced).

Agree agree. My parents divorcing did NOT have long term affect. They were so so mismatched! What was painful was my mother’s remarriage to a man who always resented us. Very difficult to handle as a child with long term affects for our family structure and everlasting changes to my relationship with my mom.

Great, for now. His feelings and coping may change as he grows. Be aware and prepared.

Any child’s can. Heck, there might be onset of mental illness, happens to the best of us.
It is so pathetic that people see divorce as something evil.
Staying together and suffering is what’s evil.

There are definitely divorces that are evil - i.e., the product of selfishness rather than actual "suffering". (No, your sexual and emotional boredom does not constitute "suffering".)

There's no need to shame divorced people; I understand the reflex until my sister mustered the courage to leave an abusive man. The kids are doing better without him there.

Some divorced people deserve to be shamed.

Every woman who gets divorced claims she was "abused" and that "the kids are doing better now" -- which doesn't necessarily make it so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

It's not the divorce, it's the cost of maintaining two households for the rest of your lives. Right now I'm trying to help pay for my parents' assisted living and it's obvious to all of us that married, they could have a much nicer place. Two single arrangements is far more costly and we/they just can't afford anything nice.

I’d rather pay for two households even though my quality of life will deceasing. It will cost way more emotionally and living with regret if I do not divorce. The cost of living as a single person is worth it. I do not consider that a cost of divorce. I consider that a cost of living—which I had when I was single before marriage. The tiny benefit of finances is not worth it. Also, I work. No financial benefit to stay married. I do not care about having a smaller place.

OMG, I would absolutely trade living in a miserable assisted living apartment with my STBX for living alone in a Medicaid nursing home. Absolutely zero question. You anti-divorce people aren't quite grasping that divorce comes when you CANNOT LIVE WITH the other person. I'm miserable now with him, and I can't imagine how much more miserable I would be with him in our 80s in assisted living! WTF!

I divorced at 38, 2 kids under 10, 1 of whom has SN. Financially independent thanks to my income.

I was so afraid at the time of divorce but I bit the bullet. It was the best decision I've made not just for myself but my kids, too. Ex-DH has not been easy, so that part is not easy. But I'd much rather be his ex-wife than wife.

There are pros and cons for the kids. Ultimately the fractures in the family would have happened and been in their house 24-7 if we'd stayed married.

In hindsight, fear of unknown and fear of putting myself "out there" kept me frozen and in the marriage longer. I'd been married a long time and dating seemed unimaginable. However, once I made the decision to divorce, it was an incredible weight off of my shoulders. I started dating (after we were living apart, before the divorce was finalized -- in most states that is a non-issue, so forget the poor legal advice from PPs).

It was GREAT. I wasn't looking for a LTR right away, if ever. Didn't really see myself marrying again. I didn't expect instant dating success or "finding the right guy." I was looking for good companionship when our schedules meshed--attraction, good sex, conversation, restaurants, concerts, museums, biking, hiking. STD testing and exclusivity were musts for me. I had no problems finding educated, financially stable men who were willing to get tested.

Didn't introduce dates to the kids, kept that completely during the time my ex had the kids (and I had the kids most of the time). I had some good low-key relationships that ended because the men wanted more and I didn't. Then, after 3 years, I started dating someone I eventually married. We've been together 7 years now. He is an amazing presence in my kids' lives, and I feel so grateful for everything. It's not perfect or easy but it is great, and I wish I could go back and tell myself 10-15 years ago, it's going to be ok. You can have a happy life, you do deserve it, don't be ruled by fear.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who all these people are with messed up kids from divorce. But I know just as many messed up kids in intact families. It becomes a new life reality. Having the parents not fight is an important first step.

+1

It is not divorce that screws kids up. It is the parents. Can be just as screwed up from parents who stayed married (and should have divorced).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

It's not the divorce, it's the cost of maintaining two households for the rest of your lives. Right now I'm trying to help pay for my parents' assisted living and it's obvious to all of us that married, they could have a much nicer place. Two single arrangements is far more costly and we/they just can't afford anything nice.

I’d rather pay for two households even though my quality of life will deceasing. It will cost way more emotionally and living with regret if I do not divorce. The cost of living as a single person is worth it. I do not consider that a cost of divorce. I consider that a cost of living—which I had when I was single before marriage. The tiny benefit of finances is not worth it. Also, I work. No financial benefit to stay married. I do not care about having a smaller place.

Anonymous wrote:I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

It's not the divorce, it's the cost of maintaining two households for the rest of your lives. Right now I'm trying to help pay for my parents' assisted living and it's obvious to all of us that married, they could have a much nicer place. Two single arrangements is far more costly and we/they just can't afford anything nice.

I don’t know who all these people are with messed up kids from divorce. But I know just as many messed up kids in intact families. It becomes a new life reality. Having the parents not fight is an important first step.

I am 42. I wanted out of my marriage before kids but got trapped with an unplanned pregnancy. I waited too long. 10 long years. Will be divorced within months.

But here is the thing--I am not getting remarried. Dating is not on my mind at all. If I meet someone someday, great. If not, that's fine. I can find a FWB. I am not getting divorced thinking about another husband. I will not remarry. I will not do the blended family thing. I am getting divorced with being single forever being perfectly fine because being single is better than a bad and joyless marriage. I would not divorce on the idea that I would trade up in dating. Maybe you are not doing that. But make sure you are divorcing for the right reasons.

Divorce is not necessarily expensive. Ours will be under 4k total.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Separated for 18 months. Kid is actually doing better now than he was in marriage.
I honestly don’t understand about the “damage”. Son had a few questions but they were mostly related to his his life is going to be. He was mostly upset about lack of videogames it seems (eyeroll).

The concern is - do you really know what's going on inside his head? It is not uncommon for kids to be so worried and anxious they shut down and refuse to talk about it, or to be “taking cover” when parents are angry or depressed, or to feel protective thus keep silent to shield parents from additional worry.

I'm a child of divorce and my mom had no idea what was going on inside my head. Huge anxiety, fear of abandonment, feeling like I'd done something wrong to cause daddy to go away, etc. etc.

This. Kids are prone to telling adults what the adults want to hear. And adults are prone to accepting it. Kids are just not mature enough to predict how they will feel in the future and often the kids don't know the whole story. For example, I thought my parents'divorce was the right call because they fought so much, but several years later I found out about my mother's affair and was devastated at her poor character and all the lies I realized she had been telling us. Another example, as a teenager I never thought about how my own children would have to divide up grandparent time, but as an adult I really struggle with doing the extra travel and feel sad that my kids are getting less. I'm not saying kids' opinions are worthless, but you have to look at them in context.

Dating is the least of your problems, Op. You seem in denial of that.

I am not OP, but the author of the top post in this subthread.
It’s not what my kid is saying. I never asked him if he is happy about the split. I just observe his behavior; he has become better at school, with friends, with me.
He now knows there are rules of the house; not what daddy says at the moment. At the same time, daddy is free to set the rules in his house, I don’t care.
I am not undermined, belittled, or brushed aside in my own home. This is a big deal.
Please do not tell me you know better what is best for my child and for me.

Thanks for sharing your story. It's helped me.

Good luck!
I am glad.