Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

Yes, exactly. It's a problem without an obvious solution and people who dismiss the power of libido do so at their own peril. To simply say "you made a commitment in your early 20s, deal with it" doesn't actually deal with it. You can't shut off a desire for variety, for a kink, any more than a gay person can go to conversion therapy or pray away the gay.

Two people who deeply love each other can find workable compromises. Ultimatums don't work, and I promise you if the ultimatum is to be monogamous in an unfulfilling marriage or "ball is in your court to file for divorce and break up the family home" the deprived person will cheat 100% of the time.

OP needs to dive deeper into his wife's fantasies, his insecurity in seeing them fulfilled and if they can come with a compromise. Or he can close his eyes to the inevitable.

+1

Anonymous wrote:My wife has a sister who is like that, depending on who her newest boyfriend is. Suddenly she has all these new hobbies she's really into that just happen to be the same hobbies as her current flame.

Anonymous wrote:
No, it’s certainly not his fault. Sorry OP I didn’t mean it that way. But he seems shocked and this seems like one of those problems that is foreseeable to all but the aggrieved party. I think the majority of women are not interested in their partner choking them during sex. I am the high libido partner and that seems too weird for me. I would like more sex but I would not consider an open marriage on a million years. This lady is into weird stuff and open marriage seems like a logical next step to me. I don’t think she is cheating, just making her needs known and if OP handles it sensitively maybe it won’t be as dire as pps are suggesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for God’s sake stop hanging out with swingers. Geez what a disaster. Maybe other pp is right and you need Jesus!

I think there's something to this as well. The first part, not the second. Though it does assume that the person is weak-minded enough to just go along with these things.

My wife has a sister who is like that, depending on who her newest boyfriend is. Suddenly she has all these new hobbies she's really into that just happen to be the same hobbies as her current flame. Is she ever starts dating a swinger, lets say I would not be shocked to hear her start talking about what an interesting lifestyle it is, despite her never having participate before to our knowledge.

I'm not saying swingers should be pariahs, but I'm always leery of anyone whose hobbies or lifestyle would directly cause issues in my personal life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.

Anonymous wrote:And for God’s sake stop hanging out with swingers. Geez what a disaster. Maybe other pp is right and you need Jesus!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

Yes, exactly. It's a problem without an obvious solution and people who dismiss the power of libido do so at their own peril. To simply say "you made a commitment in your early 20s, deal with it" doesn't actually deal with it. You can't shut off a desire for variety, for a kink, any more than a gay person can go to conversion therapy or pray away the gay.

Two people who deeply love each other can find workable compromises. Ultimatums don't work, and I promise you if the ultimatum is to be monogamous in an unfulfilling marriage or "ball is in your court to file for divorce and break up the family home" the deprived person will cheat 100% of the time.

OP needs to dive deeper into his wife's fantasies, his insecurity in seeing them fulfilled and if they can come with a compromise. Or he can close his eyes to the inevitable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

Yes, exactly. It's a problem without an obvious solution and people who dismiss the power of libido do so at their own peril. To simply say "you made a commitment in your early 20s, deal with it" doesn't actually deal with it. You can't shut off a desire for variety, for a kink, any more than a gay person can go to conversion therapy or pray away the gay.

Two people who deeply love each other can find workable compromises. Ultimatums don't work, and I promise you if the ultimatum is to be monogamous in an unfulfilling marriage or "ball is in your court to file for divorce and break up the family home" the deprived person will cheat 100% of the time.

OP needs to dive deeper into his wife's fantasies, his insecurity in seeing them fulfilled and if they can come with a compromise. Or he can close his eyes to the inevitable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again

I don’t think she’s actively pursuing anyone from what I can tell (checking texts, messages, emails, phone bill) but I can’t know if that means she does or doesn’t have someone in mind. I also don’t buy into this hippie new age stuff as someone put it that open marriages or polyamory or whatever you wanna call it is normal or acceptable. At this point I’m just mad. Of all the women out there who just want to marry a man that faithfully commits she isn’t one of them? Really? I’d take vanilla sex over this any day

You chose the kinky fun lady and this came with the package. Sorry. There are so many vanilla women out there it is not even funny. YOU chose your partner.

So, you are blaming this guy for his wife's behavior and hang ups? Really?

If "this came with the package," the wife should have made that known before they tied the knot.
This is all on her, friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.

I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know. I feel just as bad for her as for the guys in sexless marriages. If you have a kink, playing around the edges probably isn’t enough to scratch that itch. Just like the guys who want 4x a week aren’t going to be satisfied when the wife compromises and puts out once a week. It sucks because one person basically holds all the cards and can dole out whatever they want and the other person has to take it and smile. If they try to discuss solutions, they’re treated like they acted on their worse impulses, when their only crime was honesty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you’re not pleasing her. You have fairly vanilla sex, she’s clearly wanting more, but you shut down things she asks for. All the while you’re going on about being adventurous and how that should be enough for her. She brought up a possible solution. It doesn’t sound like she’s seeing anyone else already. It doesn’t have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal. Clearly you’re insecure and will create a problem though. She isn’t excited by vanilla sex and asked to spice it up. Tell her no, she can’t have spice. Then she can decide whether an intact marriage or spice is more important.

Does she know you snooped and read all her texts and emails?

How many times have people on dcum said to have this conversation with their partners? If you aren’t fulfilled, don’t have an affair. Instead tell your spouse you want an open marriage if your needs aren’t being met. That’s what she tried to do and now her DH is jumping to her having affairs. This is why most people cheat instead. If you’re going to get the grief of screwing around, you might as well get the fun of it too.

I didn't get the first part at all from his posts. He said they had done anal, light bdsm, etc. That's not vanilla by most standards, and it shows that he has been making an effort to do what she wants since clearly it was new to him. It isn't like they're just doing missionary every time.

My wife and I got married young by the standards of this area (both in our 20's) but we have great sex, elementary age kids, a strong relationship. However I know I'd be like the OP, I'd be pissed if she came to me with something like this for a variety of reasons. I mean, rationalize it all you will, they made a commitment to each other and like the OP, I'd expect that to be honored the same as I honor it.

That being said, I do agree (assuming the wife in this situation has not cheated yet) that she did the right thing by being honest about it instead of acting behind his back. But my answer would be what someone else said. You opened Pandoras Box and it can't be shut. You have options, but if you take option A or B, I'm leaving, and I'll fight for the kids. And the idea of trust is probably shot forever. And I'm not disagreeing with the person who said this is why people cheat rather than having honest conversations, but again, you made the commitment, be mature enough to stick with it. That's not a moral judgment, making the commitment is what that person did, flat out. Honor it or have the decency to get a divorce first.