OP here. Thanks, everyone. DD finally decided to go speak to the school counselor about this. School seems to be taking it seriously, but not clear yet how it will all play out.

For DD, the difficulty of this situation is compounded by also struggling to deal with random street and Metro harassment and with a high school culture (accelerated by social media) in which girls feel that what they wear and how they look is constantly commented upon by peers (both male and female). It's just really rough. She knows intellectually that it is not her fault if she gets harassed - it's the harasser's fault- but I think she finds it impossible not to feel embarrassed and ashamed anyway. It just kills me to see her feeling so bad.

Anyway thanks for all the thoughtful advice - and, parents of boys, thanks for teaching your boys that this kind of crap is never, ever okay... that no matter what a girl wears or says or does, it is never okay to pressure her for a date, comment on her face or body, mock her clothes, or insult her for not reciprocating interest. I know most boys get this, but it still shocks me how many apparently do not, even in so-called "progressive" communities.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is tough. I would speak confidentiality to someone at the school to alert them to what happened. Who knows- maybe he’s done this to other girls.

Also sounds like a lot of (continued) talks with your daughter are needed to make sure she isn’t internalizing this but also to let her know all of her feelings are normal and that she didn’t do anything wrong. This type of thing has happened to many of us - she is not alone. And that there’s always a fear of retaliation or embarrassment when reporting things like this, but try to encourage her to see the importance of doing so.

Yup, this ^^

Most of these bullies/harassers/absuers pick the victims they think won't act, won't push back. It's important for your daughter to learn that setting the bar at "Oh hell no" (you don't have to say it that way!) is important to do early and clearly. Good for her for telling him all she did tell him, she handled that really well. But now she needs to be confident she did nothing wrong, she should tell other trusted friends about it so she's not the only one who knows (and her 1 friend), and also you should reinforce with her that if he makes up stories about her and tries to shame her, her best response is to NOT CARE and know that everyone's focus will move on to something else soon enough. But if she shows it bothers her or gets to her, it'll be relentless.

Something needs to be reported to the school because these are the same types of boys who go on to continue "not taking no for an answer" but it gets worse and more violent and the more called out he is early, the better for all involved. Including him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't even think it makes the boy a rotten kid... it sounds like he is just insecure and very immature, and maybe has generally poor social skills. (If he doesn't understand why staring at girls and pestering them after they have said no is not a great way to win friends and influence people...)

But it's one thing to do this as a kid and another to keep doing it as an adult. If no one calls him on it and tries to get him to understand why this is not the right way to handle it when he likes a girl and gets rejected, he will definitely keep doing it.

Absolutely not!

In middle school, it’s excusable, in high school it’s not.
I have boys, I’ve seen boys get in trouble about that in middle school because they were clueless, not nasty. Once they reach high school, any normal boy KNOWS he cannot act this way. Unless he’s a psychopath.

This is serious, OP.

If he is a freshman in high school he may still clueless but I get the feeling he’s much older and has real problems. definitely seek help with counselor, and I would go above that myself to speak with head of school about harassment.

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of a boy, I would really hope that if my son acted this way, that I would be told so that I could help address it. I would totally understand if you reported it to the school, instead of telling us directly. And I would want you to do what you felt was needed to protect your daughter. But you should either tell the parents or the school. You girl needs protecting and this boy needs help / intervention before this behavior escalates even further.

Please do not assume the boys parents are ok with the behavior.

I have boys and girls. The correct protocol is for the victim or her parents to contact the school. The school will contact the perpetrator's family. All alleged, of course. That is how it should work, because parents on both sides can be crazy, and it's better to have a mediator.

As the mom of a boy, I would really hope that if my son acted this way, that I would be told so that I could help address it. I would totally understand if you reported it to the school, instead of telling us directly. And I would want you to do what you felt was needed to protect your daughter. But you should either tell the parents or the school. You girl needs protecting and this boy needs help / intervention before this behavior escalates even further.

Please do not assume the boys parents are ok with the behavior.

Another vote for talking to the school counselor. We had a similar situation happen to my DD - she was being harassed on the walk home from the bus stop, so I wasn't even sure if it was in the school's jurisdiction. They took immediate action, and it was very clear from the response that there was a protocol they had to follow with any sexual harassment issues. I don't know how it was handled on the boy's end of things as they don't share that for obvious reasons, but I do know that the behavior stopped immediately - and not just toward my DD but to all other girls in our neighborhood. The counselor did want to interview my DD and have her write up an incident(s) report. My DD was nervous for a week or so every time she saw this kid - but no retaliation of any kind occurred. I have a younger son, and it really made me think about how I would respond to a call from the school about a behavior like this - I had compassion for the parents and can only hope that this helped set a kid onto a better path going forward. It was VERY important for my daughter to see me take this issue up - she needed the validation and support that this wasn't ok and we weren't going to put up with it. She wasn't as resistant to reporting as OP's daughter, but still very afraid of what might happen if we did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You tell your DD you are filing a police report and then do it. Inform the school second.

Your DD is too good to be treated this way.

What illegal act was done?

Harassment in person and on social media and threatening behavior. Can you not read?

It is actually not against the law to ask someone out for a week or to insult them if they say no.

Repeated harassment, in person and online is punishable by imprisonment. Do you not remember the case that changed all these laws? Phoebe Prince.

Report it to the school