Anonymous wrote:What class does she have fourth period? Is it something it should be easy to switch? Why not make an appointment with the counselor, plead your case, and try? Do it soon. In the meantime, maybe there are scripts your daughter can use to try to connect with people in her class. Talk to her about forcing herself and a fake it til you make it approach to being social. It’s tough, and you both have my sympathy. My DD can be a real wallflower if she doesn’t know anyone in a situation, and she’ll just hang back silently. Worse is that she unintentionally gives a stand-offish vibe.

I was like this as a kid, and this is the best advice I ever received. She needs to push herself to go out of her comfort zone in small increments. Each time you do it, it gets easier. Nobody who knows me now would ever guess I had this problem.

OP, you aren't doing her any favors.

If she is open to it, I would have her read The Social Skills Guidebook by Chris Macleod (available on Amazon). My anxious and shy DD found it helpful (in conjunction with therapy).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

I’ve been both a teacher and a parent. Social anxiety can be debilitating for some people. It needs treatment not “tough love “ some people really don’t “survive” they make decisions that seem to work like drinking cutting etc etc and that’s not the answer.

Look, if OP's kid really has this serious of a disability, OP should be applying for an IEP and also getting her child help. Thing is, though, when kids are this needy, the kids they need don't always want the responsibility of taking care of them. Now, I doubt the school considered any of this when they made the schedule, but it's something to think about.

That’s just being cruel. OPs kid is not a needy. Your post is just ugly. Perhaps reflects your character.

If OPs kid cant. And it through the school day without having time with specific people then she is needy. My post was pointing out that there are ways to deal with her needs besides burdening other kids. That’s not ugly. That’s just dealing with the reality of mental illness.

I MIGHT be ok with switching into her friends' lunch IF you are simultaneously getting her help. But *just* switching lunches/classes/whatever without addressing the underlying issue of anxiety and social skills is like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole. It would be doing an incredible disservice to your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

I’ve been both a teacher and a parent. Social anxiety can be debilitating for some people. It needs treatment not “tough love “ some people really don’t “survive” they make decisions that seem to work like drinking cutting etc etc and that’s not the answer.

Look, if OP's kid really has this serious of a disability, OP should be applying for an IEP and also getting her child help. Thing is, though, when kids are this needy, the kids they need don't always want the responsibility of taking care of them. Now, I doubt the school considered any of this when they made the schedule, but it's something to think about.

That’s just being cruel. OPs kid is not a needy. Your post is just ugly. Perhaps reflects your character.

As someone with debilitating social anxiety, your kid needs help, OP. Your kid is not always going to have someone there to lean on to get through hard things, and high school is a fantastic opportunity to learn, with help, how to manage on her own. Get her into therapy, talk with her about what she'd like or what supports she thinks might benefit her, and work with her to get them. She'll then be able to use the skills she's learning in college and in the work force, whether those skills are asking for or creating supports, developing friendships, whatever she needs to do.

You can also, out of school, help maintain the friendships she has since it sounds like those won't be as easy to maintain when she doesn't have any of those friends in her classes. That will help her develop those skills, without the scaffold of school propping her up. And hopefully help her through the lonelier periods she might have while she's learning how to develop her own friendships in school without being able to piggy back off someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

I’ve been both a teacher and a parent. Social anxiety can be debilitating for some people. It needs treatment not “tough love “ some people really don’t “survive” they make decisions that seem to work like drinking cutting etc etc and that’s not the answer.

Look, if OP's kid really has this serious of a disability, OP should be applying for an IEP and also getting her child help. Thing is, though, when kids are this needy, the kids they need don't always want the responsibility of taking care of them. Now, I doubt the school considered any of this when they made the schedule, but it's something to think about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask to switch to classes with her friends, but I think if you could at least get her in lunch with friends that will be helpful. Obviously a lot of people here don't have social anxiety or debilitating shyness. It's for sure easier for some kids than others.

This exactly. The people who are claiming, "She'll be fine. She'll learn how to make friends." really have no idea what it's like for some people.

I’ve been both a teacher and a parent. Social anxiety can be debilitating for some people. It needs treatment not “tough love “ some people really don’t “survive” they make decisions that seem to work like drinking cutting etc etc and that’s not the answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Park your helicopter. She will survive.

Absolutely. Let her expand her friend group.

Actually she may NOT survive without some help.

Anonymous wrote:if you base the request around something else - find another class you are willing or trying to switch. I did that in HS to game the scheduling system to be with friends. I know people will say it builds character, is good for her, etc to stick it out as is, but honestly, life is short, she's not a social person, when she's an adult she can select fields or jobs that fit her temperament - I'd go for it, but find a cover reason, and not ask about it as a social-emotional thing...

This is bad advice. It's possible that it's not her temperament per se, but anxiety. There are treatments out there that can help her manage it more effectively so that it doesn't later affect her life choices, including career prospects.

OP, you know the saying about giving a hungry man a fish and he eats for a day, but teaching him to fish and he eats for a lifetime? This is the same thing.

Your child does not have any natural social skills. But you cannot be there for her entire lifetime. If she doesn't make friends in college, are you going to call the school where her few friends go to college and ask that they admit her to college just so she can be with her friends? When she is looking for work, are you going to call the companies where her friends work and ask them to give her a job? While this is hyperbole and exaggerated, you aren't too far off from this. She's a teenager. At this point, she needs to learn to fend for herself in social situations. You still need to parent when it comes to educational and maturation or life learning. You cannot fight this battle for her.

You should be teaching her how to navigate this situation. If she really feels lost and feels that she can sacrifice her 4th period class and substitute another, then she needs to go to the guidance counselor and present her case saying that she wants to switch class A for class B so that she can have 4th period lunch. Or perhaps she needs to join some activities that her friends are already in. Or you can teach her how to approach some of the acquaintances that she knows from her existing activities to start spending time with them, especially if some of those acquaintances have the same lunch period as she does. Teach her how to approach someone at lunch and how to be friendly, make eye contact, talk to them by name, and ask if she can join the friend and/or group. Teach her how to listen to a conversation and look for threads that she can comment on. Having had several introverted wall-flower friends, I can tell you that the ones that just come and sit on the fringe and exclusively listen to a conversation are the ones that tend to get left out. I've taught adult friends how to listen to conversations and to insert comments here and there to add to a conversation. It doesn't take much to be considered a part of the group, even a quiet member of the group, but it does take some effort and work. But she has no natural instincts on how to do this. So, you as her parent need to teach her how to navigate this situation. Either she needs to look for a way to change her schedule herself, whether looking for an way to move her lunch period by changing classes or changing an elective activity to join her friends or she needs to learn how to join a group of acquaintances.

You do your daughter a disservice by attempting to do this for her. You will be fixing the short-term issue, but not the long-term problem. And she will be even more crippled when she gets to college and she does not have the organizational skills to make changes for herself, or the social skills to make friends. You need to stop doing for her and start teaching her.

If you do not know these social skills yourself, then look for a professional who can counsel your daughter. Or look for groups where she can learn such skills. I've seen some church youth groups who have taught teens how to socialize and make friends.

if you base the request around something else - find another class you are willing or trying to switch. I did that in HS to game the scheduling system to be with friends. I know people will say it builds character, is good for her, etc to stick it out as is, but honestly, life is short, she's not a social person, when she's an adult she can select fields or jobs that fit her temperament - I'd go for it, but find a cover reason, and not ask about it as a social-emotional thing...

Anonymous wrote:I get that you are worried about your daughter. But she is in high school and needs to learn how to navigate this stuff herself. She will be okay. It might not be ideal, but much of life is not ideal.

My kid’s elementary school won’t even allow friend requests. There is no way a high school is going to allow it.

Hm, don't most kids learn how to navigate this stuff with the help of other kids? Because I sure could never figure it the hell out.

I'm partial getting a lunch switch. The structure and activity of classes and moving from one class to the next provides a foundation for whatever other interaction might occur, lunch is classically the equivalent of dropping the kid in the middle of the lake to learn how to swim--there is a reason it is in every coming-of-age teen movie/tv show/ or book. You gotta have someone to sit next to in the lunchroom.

I agree with therapy OP. Also, from personal experience, high school is the age where kids and friendships change a lot. What if she switches but for whatever reason loses the friendship with someone? Then what?

It sounds like she has social anxiety. The only thing that would benefit her is to get some therapy to deal with it.