Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 16:33     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:Hello, I'm going through a divorce right now, I have a 3 year old and just found out I'm 4-5 weeks pregnant by my boyfriend of three months. I went through IVF the first time and then my ex husband and i tried for several months for #2 before giving up, so the idea that I could actually get pregnant easily, especially at age 43, was not on my radar. I have been a SAHM and have never really worked. My ex and I agreed that in a year when my 3 yr old goes to preschool, I would start working. Which is scary enough in this expensive area with my extremely limited work experience how I will make ends meet. And now thinking about adding another mouth to feed scares me shitless. I'm not sure what to do. I have no family in the area, or really any family at all. Both parents deceased, not close to brothers but both live cross country anyway. Can I do this on my own? Any people in similar situations that can give me advice? My bf wants the baby and wants us to move in together aid he will pay child support and be there for me and the baby. But I've obviously only known him three months so I don't know what will happen. And with no family support and a very limited income, I'm just so scared. Any advice? Please be kind. Thanks!


OP, serious question. Why are you getting a divorce?
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 16:30     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
OP, I feel for you. I got accidentally pregnant at 42 too. I was (am) married with two kids already, good job and income, stable house, etc. My oldest was 7 when I had the little one, so we thought we were done. And I'm not going to lie -- even with a good set up, it's been hard. I just don't have the energy I had a decade ago to parent a baby. #3 is three now and it's gradually getting easier. But it's been a long road. If you're going to keep the baby, go into it with eyes wide open. Good luck on whatever you decide.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 15:56     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the update OP. Don't listen to downers, you are strong and you will be fine no matter what you decide. Life is messy, life happens, and at your age you probably know this. I have every faith that you will be fine no matter what you decide. We are all human and I admire you for being a person, regular, with a life and problems. So, you live life, why is that a crime for women? Do you have parents that can help? Friends that can help? I wish you the best!


How the heck do you know this? Having a baby as a single woman in her 40's with no work history in the DC area no-less (where even well employed people have a difficult time affording life) is recipe for a nightmare life! Come on!
I work in social services in DC and see the reality of what is like to be an indigent mother every day.

Where is OP going to live? How is she going to afford rent after her 3 year period of support is up? How will she afford childcare when what she is sure to make less than childcare even costs? What about retirement? What if her ex-husband withdraws support?

It's a nightmare situation.


How do all the other PPs know that she should have an abortion?

OP, I have no idea what you should do, but I think you should be asking nonjudgy family and friends if they have ideas. Maybe someone knows of a situation that could get you through the next five years. Don't get any more reliant than you have to on your BF. He may be a great guy, but if he really is, he'll understand.

And not to be Debbie Downer, but it's early days in a pregnancy that statistically has not much chance of success.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 13:04     Subject: Re:Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Hahaha. You say single in the title but you have a husband and a bf? Girl, get an abortion and a hysterectomy. You need everything gone. Your too old to not have your life together.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 12:54     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
My best friend also had an abortion (accidental pregnancy that would have resulted in a third kid). She's happily married. They both work. They didn't think they could afford another child. She is completely fine with the decison--we've talked about it and she says she'd do it again in a hearbeat.

I am not sure I could have one personally at this point (we're fine financially) but I will always support a woman's right to choose!
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 10:51     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the update OP. Don't listen to downers, you are strong and you will be fine no matter what you decide. Life is messy, life happens, and at your age you probably know this. I have every faith that you will be fine no matter what you decide. We are all human and I admire you for being a person, regular, with a life and problems. So, you live life, why is that a crime for women? Do you have parents that can help? Friends that can help? I wish you the best!


How the heck do you know this? Having a baby as a single woman in her 40's with no work history in the DC area no-less (where even well employed people have a difficult time affording life) is recipe for a nightmare life! Come on!
I work in social services in DC and see the reality of what is like to be an indigent mother every day.

Where is OP going to live? How is she going to afford rent after her 3 year period of support is up? How will she afford childcare when what she is sure to make less than childcare even costs? What about retirement? What if her ex-husband withdraws support?

It's a nightmare situation.


+1. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s ex tries to withdraw spousal support. It sounds like nothing is finalized yet, so this is a really precarious situation for OP. Being a SAHM is fine if you’re married, but you can’t be a SAHM living off child support from two men. I just can’t see how it would work.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 10:41     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the update OP. Don't listen to downers, you are strong and you will be fine no matter what you decide. Life is messy, life happens, and at your age you probably know this. I have every faith that you will be fine no matter what you decide. We are all human and I admire you for being a person, regular, with a life and problems. So, you live life, why is that a crime for women? Do you have parents that can help? Friends that can help? I wish you the best!


How the heck do you know this? Having a baby as a single woman in her 40's with no work history in the DC area no-less (where even well employed people have a difficult time affording life) is recipe for a nightmare life! Come on!
I work in social services in DC and see the reality of what is like to be an indigent mother every day.

Where is OP going to live? How is she going to afford rent after her 3 year period of support is up? How will she afford childcare when what she is sure to make less than childcare even costs? What about retirement? What if her ex-husband withdraws support?

It's a nightmare situation.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 10:35     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:You’re 43 and have never worked. Really no advice here, just judgement.


She spent a decade caring for both parents dying of cancer. She worked harder than you probably ever have.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 10:25     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What a CF!

I would get an abortion. No way am I dealing with two baby daddies. Not to mention a pregnancy will not make you look very favorable when you are trying to get spousal support. Your STBX is likely going to be pissed, and not want to support another man’s child.

How badly do you want the divorce. If I wanted to keep your current fetus, I’d seduce STBX and tell him child is his and get back together with him. That kid is his anyway in the eyes of the law. Get back to work immediately. You can divorce him a couple of years down the road when the kids are school-aged and you are more financially secure.


That's disgusting!


We already know this PP is disgusting, not to mention heartless, cold and manipulating.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 10:23     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.


OP, what about adoption? That is a real option too, you know, and one that ultimately may be much easier to live with.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 10:21     Subject: Re:Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Anonymous wrote:The literally worse thing you can do after a failed marriage is have a baby with someone you don't know. Get the abortion and birth control. Keep in mind the divorce and baby affects your child negatively even if you believe it's something you want.

I say this as someone that had an accidental pregnancy with a man that is destructive and abusive. Abusers try to hook women in fast before they see red flags.


I’m pro-life so I can’t advise you to have an abortion but I do agree with the above poster that abusers move fast and want to hook you in before you find out who they really are. Proceed with great caution.

Can you try talking to your brothers about your situation? Or other friends? Sometimes support comes from very unexpected places.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 09:40     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Adoption? I would adopt your baby.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 09:05     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
How do you plan to financially support these two children and yourself?
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 09:03     Subject: Re:Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
The reality is that this may well be your last chance to have another child. That is the primary issue I'd want to sort out with myself. You'll have child support--the rest will work out in time. I do agree with PPs that one primary consideration would be to suss out whether there are any red flags with the BF. You ex sounds like a good guy, you'd need to be sure your BF is same.
Anonymous
Post 08/28/2019 08:54     Subject: Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43
Hugs, OP. You and your boyfriend sound like decent and thoughtful people. But I agree with the PPs above, this is just not tractable for you. I've never been pregnant so I have no idea how I would feel, but I understand that an abortion would be devastating. Give yourself time and space to grieve - you will come through this and be stronger for it. All the best.