I thought one of the whole points of being married was in sick and in health. What is this? I’m single at 41 and one of the reasons is that I’ve never gotten married despite several boyfriends wanting to marry me is that I’ve never liked someone enough to take care of him if he did get really sick or paralyzed. Actually, there was one guy, but he didn’t want to marry me , so....

Taking care of your sick spouse is supposed to be part of the deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

Yes I do. I did it for many years with my mil. I would never cheat.

It is different when the ill person is your spouse.

In our situation I do have lots of health issues. It isn't difference. If you cannot be faithful, get a divorce. You are not a good honorable person if you don't follow your marital vows. If I found out my husband was cheating, I'd rather be ill and alone than someone who didn't love me or want to be with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

Yes I do. I did it for many years with my mil. I would never cheat.

It is different when the ill person is your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:My H are not selfish so we both agree that when the other become too ill to care for the sick spouse will go to a care facility. We will make sure the other is cared for but not do the caring for.

I think it is selfish to expect a spouse to be a nurse. Love, honor and cherish, not become a nurse. Just like I did not vow to be a cook and he did not vow to fix things around the house.

I would love if he visited me but even that can become a burden. I have watched it happen with friends.

We do not want to take away our ability to provide time, love and energy to our children. I would rather my H spend his efforts with his children and grandchildren.

Agree. I don't have the mental/emotional/physical capacity to help nurse my parents if they will need help in old age, so I definitely don't have it with DH. I've also told him that if I were to ever have a health issue that would preclude us from being intimate, he has my permission to step out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

Sorry. Not an excuse to bang your secretary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Cancer survivor here, which means my odds of cancer again are increased. It has always crossed my mind if men wouldn't marry me because they would be afraid of what the future would hold. I wouldn't be with someone who had any feelings like you are expressing, the "OMG I'd be a caretaker", like that's not the right mindset to have. You and your spouse take care of each in different throughout life, that's a marriage. You love someone and marry someone in sickness and in health, not just health and then kick them to the curb.

As a cancer survivor I would expect you to have a plan in place so your new partner would not become a caregiver and bankrupt single parent.

You know what your situation is and you need to plan for the future.

I know many people who married somebody with a condition they did not disclose or plan for before the marriage and I would say they entered the marriage under false pretenses.

One I can't have kids because to the cancer, so no single parent status in the future.

Two I highly doubt you know MANY people who in this situation didn't disclose. The world can be a bad place but not that bad.

Has something bad happened to you because I feel this negativity from you, which is unnecessary.

Actually, I am old so yes, I know many. Live in an over 55 community for a while.. you will know many too.

My BIL's girlfriend also "could not get pregnant due to cancer, but she did, and she died when the child was 18 months"

I am not negative I am realistic. I will take care of my future, my H will take care of his and we won't bankrupt each other financially or emotionally. My H marrying me does not make him my nurse. He is my companion... I will hire a nurse.

I find you to be a scary, cold-hearted person. If my spouse were to become in, I'd be in it for the long haul. If it reached the point where I couldn't handle the care, you can bet I'd be visiting as much as possible and watching those who did care for him like a hawk. Everyone with illnesses needs an advocate.

To just abandon a spouse when they become ill is selfish and horrible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

Yes I do. I did it for many years with my mil. I would never cheat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

yes, very well. She now lives far away & is very well taken care of-- we still keep in touch

boy, are there angry, bitter and jealous folks around here!

This happened in our family. My uncle had a brain tumor removed plus chemo and eventually recovered but had some lasting memory problems and other cognitive issues as he aged. My aunt did not want to deal with taking care of him asking if he remembered to take his meds every day etc so they eventually divorced. My uncle's health declined, he lost his license, lost his job, moved in with his son and his daughter dropped out of college to move back home and take care of him and their finances before my uncle eventually ended up in a nursing home when his tumor came back. Really heartbreaking situation all around.

In this case the burden fell on the children after the divorce. They still speak to their mother but I do wonder what kind of resentment might persist.

Anonymous wrote:Is it understandable? Yes. Is it kinda messed up too? Also yes.

My college boyfriend's father was married to a lady (wife #2) with MS. He had an affair and bailed once she started having more bad days than good days. Better hope wife #3 remains hale and hearty!

My best friend has MS, age 26 onward and vowed never to marry. And she hasn’t. Now 40.

We all the the Pull The Plug mentality so this piss poor quality of life stuff won’t affect the ill nor the caretaker for long.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.

As the guy said, have your coworker sleep with you and take him or her on dates to talk emotionally and you’ll be fine. A hero in fact.

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Mental illness I would leave.
Physical one I would too. Is easier for the welfare state to take care of him or her once independent and out of money.

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

Did you reward your secretary?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004. After many surgeries, chemo rounds and radiation, she passed in 2016.
It certainly crossed my mind many times, but I was raising our kid .
My secretary understood and took care of my physical & emotional needs that enabled me to stay as the caretaker.

I'm not surprised that you considered divorcing her while on and off sick. You are a man. We see this all the time. Men are apparently incapable of of putting somebody before themselves.

PP, I am a woman and my husband has an incurable disease. Please speak with some compassion. You don't know what it is like to be a long term caregiver.