Anonymous
08/12/2019 08:39
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Be honest with your wife. Be honest with yourself.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 08:31
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Where did the resentment towards wife stem from?
After he met the new one the resentment toward the old one starts.
+100
My ex could have written the OP a few years ago, right down to the "there are some things my wife just doesn't like about me." None of that was true, actually. I was in love with him and I liked him right up until the day he confessed he'd been banging a 20-something junior associate. After that, there were absolutely some things I didn't like about him.
OP is lying to himself to justify the affair. He's almost certainly also lying to the mistress about the state of his marriage. He is the hero of his own narrative, and in his narrative the mistress likes him for himself, or something.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 08:16
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.
My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.
I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.
This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.
Man here - you are not a man but a whining child. Everything you stated about your marriage is not uncommon, even more common these days. Where failed as an adult is acting on the impulse instead of respecting the person and family you say you love so much to be honest with them.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 08:11
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Op, you are providing me with a lot of insight into my ex. I feel empathy for you, as you don't sound like a bad person.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 08:05
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
I get what you're going thru, OP. Just know that claiming to be scared and confused is not going to go over well here! Or anywhere...
Anonymous
08/12/2019 07:41
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
OP here. I didn’t mean for this to happen - at all. I met this new woman while I was gone on a trip, after some drinks, and got carried away. This has never happened before. I started dating my wife when I was 22. I’m 46.
My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.
I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.
This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.
My wife just doesn’t like some things about me. I try to be a good husband. We’ve been through it all together, of course. But there’s a distance between us that I don’t see us being able to bridge. We’ve tried. She’s lovely and wonderful and we are friends, but we’re also - different.
I love my kids so much. Our oldest is about to start the college application process, the younger is starting high school. I don’t want to create a disruption in their lives.
This new woman - I know it’s a fantasy. But she’s warm and beautiful and sweet and it’s nice to feel noticed and appreciated again. It is. I’m not a monster. I’m confused and I’m scared and I don’t know what it will be like to have another forty years with my wife. I also don’t know that I want to start over at the wrong side of 45.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 07:27
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:Can you handle your wife getting a second wind via an affair or new SO post divorce? Word spreading through your family and social circle that your midlife crisis is wreaking havoc on your family?
I’m a single woman who had an emotional affair (we also made out but no sex, thanks to me) with a married man years ago. Lasted about a year. Wasn’t looking for it, didn’t know he was married initially. I cut things off abruptly before it progressed physically (matter of time) and because I deserved someone available. Amazing chemistry though. I know of the feeling you describe. I really appreciated him and found him beautiful and I could tell he was hooked on the admiration.
I think you need to have a difficult conversation at home about the state of your marriage. I’m not encouraging you to fess up, but to get to the root of the problem. You’re not a victim. You’ve grown complacent in your resentment. If sex isn’t happening, talk about how it makes you feel when you’re rejected. You’re taking a major risk here which could blow up several lives.
"the root of the problem", he doesn't need to talk about that, he needs to look in the mirror. There is the root. He is a man who lies to people he supposedly loves, a man who puts himself first over all others, a man who breaks his vows, leads a double life, has no honor or integrity. Do you think the first time he has acted like this was when he slept with another woman? Nope. That's him. If one person in the marriage is leading a double life, the other person may not know what exactly is happening but the effects are the same. A wall where there should be openness, distance where their should be intimacy and so on.
Tell your wife about the affair now so she can live a life she deserves.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 07:23
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:You are in lust not love. Just think about her flaws.
The thing is lust makes you feel alive and you won't feel that way with your wife because of all that shared history you have. If you divorce and get together with this new woman she will become old soon enough and then you'll lust after someone else.
So think about your marriage. Do you want it to continue or is it done. Only leave if the marriage is done without this woman being a factor.
And if you are unfaithful then your marriage is definitely done.
Hi marriage is already done. His wife deserves the truth and then she can decide what she wants to do.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 07:20
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Have you met this “amazing woman” in person? Like you’ve shared the same oxygen? Or is this some online/phone romance? I seem to be hearing about the latter more and more.
#cliche
Yes, we’ve spent time together (and had sex).
How did the affair get started?
We met randomly - instant attraction. It’s still in the beginning phase and I know my choices are to (a) cut and run or (b) continue down this path, which I know would be a no-win.
You've already lost. You are a liar and a coward. Do the right thing, tell your wife and end your marriage. Now.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 06:44
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Can you handle your wife getting a second wind via an affair or new SO post divorce? Word spreading through your family and social circle that your midlife crisis is wreaking havoc on your family?
I’m a single woman who had an emotional affair (we also made out but no sex, thanks to me) with a married man years ago. Lasted about a year. Wasn’t looking for it, didn’t know he was married initially. I cut things off abruptly before it progressed physically (matter of time) and because I deserved someone available. Amazing chemistry though. I know of the feeling you describe. I really appreciated him and found him beautiful and I could tell he was hooked on the admiration.
I think you need to have a difficult conversation at home about the state of your marriage. I’m not encouraging you to fess up, but to get to the root of the problem. You’re not a victim. You’ve grown complacent in your resentment. If sex isn’t happening, talk about how it makes you feel when you’re rejected. You’re taking a major risk here which could blow up several lives.
I’m a single woman who had an emotional affair (we also made out but no sex, thanks to me) with a married man years ago. Lasted about a year. Wasn’t looking for it, didn’t know he was married initially. I cut things off abruptly before it progressed physically (matter of time) and because I deserved someone available. Amazing chemistry though. I know of the feeling you describe. I really appreciated him and found him beautiful and I could tell he was hooked on the admiration.
I think you need to have a difficult conversation at home about the state of your marriage. I’m not encouraging you to fess up, but to get to the root of the problem. You’re not a victim. You’ve grown complacent in your resentment. If sex isn’t happening, talk about how it makes you feel when you’re rejected. You’re taking a major risk here which could blow up several lives.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 06:40
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
I am 6.33 .... ops, I did not realized op has slept with the other women. Having crush or affectionate feeling to someone is different than actually sleeping with them.
My situation is definitely different to yours but for your own sakes, you need to end it.
My situation is definitely different to yours but for your own sakes, you need to end it.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 06:33
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:You are 100% in control of this situation. It's so normal it's a cliche. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, but you need to decide who you are, what your values are, and what your family means to you. The emotions you have for this other woman are addictive and you aren't thinking clearly. Pretend you have an affair and leave your wife for her. You will have to love the rest if your life knowing that you are a liar, cheater, morally compromised man who devastated your family over a crush. Your family and friends, if they even still talk to you, will always think of this other woman as a honewrecking whore, even a decade after you marry her. Its isolating. Its financially devastating, as you split your assets, retirement, home equity, and sort out child support and alimony. Lawyer fees for even an amicable divorce through mediation can easily reach $5k each. And then what is your prize? A woman who sleeps with married men that you will never trust.
Cut off 100% of all contact, cold Turkey. Tell your wife about your feelings. Read "not just friends" and also "his needs, her needs" and reconnect with your wife. It's possible to do, and you will not regret it.
This.
What you are feeling is very normal.
I am a women ,late 30s years old, married to a high earner, handsome, great shape early 40 man.
I feel like “ falling in love” with someone all the time. I am in great shape and very charming , great career, making decent money, so a lot of men flirt with me, all the time. But there is nothing special about this feeling. It comes and goes.
I never let anything more happen beyond professional interaction.
You need to shut it down for your own sake. Cut it off.
Fantasy is fantasy.
Real life is someone who loves you and vice versa, always there for you through thick and thin.
Anonymous
08/12/2019 00:44
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:Find Jesus and pray on it. He’ll help you every strep.
It is worth trying even if you are not religious, OP!
Anonymous
08/11/2019 23:07
Subject: Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:Ok, now that we are on page 4 and everyone is saying he’s scum, typical guy, etc.
Flip the sexes, same advice if written by the wife?
Go check out the "I love my fiance" thread... The answer is the same, don't be a jerk.
Anonymous
08/11/2019 23:06
Subject: Re:Never thought I would be that guy - but here I am
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you make less than your wife?
Are you out of shape?
We make about the same. I am very fit.
Are you insecure that your wife makes the same as you?