Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

Did you tell her this?

No, I’m telling DCUM instead to see if I’m being crazy.

You are not, 100% agree it's unfair to your kid. But it's unlikely to change on it's own. You could keep declining invitations, sure. If you like her, and your kids are friends, talk to her.

Agree, OP. Now you know you're not crazy, talk about it sometime.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

Did you tell her this?

No, I’m telling DCUM instead to see if I’m being crazy.

You are not, 100% agree it's unfair to your kid. But it's unlikely to change on it's own. You could keep declining invitations, sure. If you like her, and your kids are friends, talk to her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

If this happens frequently then the next time she asks to have a play date you say no thanks. If she asks why you say because it is disappointing to your child and disruptive to your day to have plans cancelled at the last minute.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

Did you tell her this?

No, I’m telling DCUM instead to see if I’m being crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

Did you tell her this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

Then explain your reluctance to agree to future play dates, because when she opts to cancel she is punishing your child too.

For my 12 year old's birthday she invited 3 good friends to sleep over and have a cupcake wars type baking competition. We put a lot of time and effort into planning it. Even made freaking aprons with the guests names on them. The day of the party a mom grounded one of the girls. Two years later I'm sure her DD has forgotten about it and why she couldn't come. My DD still remembers.

Anonymous wrote:Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

I kind of thought I was doing that when I confirming the play date at 3 PM. I should’ve been more clear, and asked her flat out, if it was at risk of being taken away. I kind of thought that she would read between the lines, and thought maybe by asking if it was confirmed then she wouldn’t take it away.

She has done this a few times. Try to be kind and understanding, because her son can be difficult. But she has canceled on us so many times because of his behavior. I hate that my son is being used as a pawn in this. He deserves a play date with someone who will show up.

Leave her to suggest the next play date. When she suggests, ask if it is conditional on good behaviour.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only circumstances IMO under which this is acceptable is if the kid is *currently* out of control and the playdate would be a disaster. In that case, you're protecting everyone. But just as a punishment? No.

I’m here. I have in the past canceled saying “Larla is having a rough morning and I don’t trust her to behave appropriately so I’m afraid we’re not going to be able to XYZ, I’m really sorry. I hope we can do a rain check soon.” I haven’t had to do it in more than a year.

OP here and I admit to doing this for terrible behavior/suspected illness, but not for a BIG planned outing. More, like, going to someone’s house and my son is acting so strangely that I suspect a fever on the rise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been burned enough times that I don't tell my kid about a playdate until right before.

OP here and I think that’s why I am more irked. I confirmed with her around 3pm! Only then did I tell my son. At 5, she cancelled.

She has done this before, and no I don’t think it’s a cover because she doesn’t want to hang out with us. I like the mom a lot.

Have you thought of mentioning it to her? I had this happen when my daughter was little. In a relaxed moment over wine a totally different day, I just told her how my daughter as an only really looked forward to playdates with her daughter and felt she was being punished when her daughter was. The other mom didn't even realize it, she was just upset with her own child, and it didn't happen again.

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend did the right thing. She is trying to teach her child a lesson, please support her in that mission. My kids are in HS now, and I did the same thing a few times when they were young.

Play dates are not a right, they are a privilege. They are also lever parents can use to teach proper behavior.

She gave you at least 24-hours notice too, which shows she was trying to minimize the damage on your end and give you room to make other arrangements. I don't understand why you are not more supportive of this friend.

OP here and no, she didn’t. We were leaving around 8:30am for the excursion and she canceled at 5pm. This was after I confirmed with her at 3pm that we were still on.

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend did the right thing. She is trying to teach her child a lesson, please support her in that mission. My kids are in HS now, and I did the same thing a few times when they were young.

Play dates are not a right, they are a privilege. They are also lever parents can use to teach proper behavior.

She gave you at least 24-hours notice too, which shows she was trying to minimize the damage on your end and give you room to make other arrangements. I don't understand why you are not more supportive of this friend.

No, go back and reread this thread. Many people are telling you that playdates should not be a lever parents use to teach proper behavior. That's just rude, inconsiderate and lazy parenting. It's taking the easy way out of parenting and punishing another family just because you can't find a better way to get the discipline across.

You can choose to do this, but don't be surprised when you have at least one fewer offer for playdates in the future because you blew off a playdate to make things easier for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only circumstances IMO under which this is acceptable is if the kid is *currently* out of control and the playdate would be a disaster. In that case, you're protecting everyone. But just as a punishment? No.

I’m here. I have in the past canceled saying “Larla is having a rough morning and I don’t trust her to behave appropriately so I’m afraid we’re not going to be able to XYZ, I’m really sorry. I hope we can do a rain check soon.” I haven’t had to do it in more than a year.

Yeah, I would be polite to you and understanding, but I doubt I would make another playdate with you unless you were the third or fourth at the playdate, because I would trust you to be able to keep a commitment or not to use us as your crutch for punishing your child again. I would be polite, but we would be busy when you were free.

Anonymous wrote:The only circumstances IMO under which this is acceptable is if the kid is *currently* out of control and the playdate would be a disaster. In that case, you're protecting everyone. But just as a punishment? No.

Agree. We had this happen once or twice and it is so aggravating. We planned our day around a playdate, and I told another one of my kids that they couldn't do X because sibling was having Larla over. Then Larla cancels last minute because mother is irritating that Larla didn't clean her room or was fresh to her mother, and our whole day is upset. I hear people saying "Do something else" but particularly as your kids get older, they need and want that social time with other kids, and we might only have that particular time slot open for that child to have a playdate. (I work during the week, my other kids have sporting events, activities, we have church, etc....so if I make Saturday morning plans for your kid to come over, and then your kid doesn't come over, we've basically lost that weekend for my kid to hang out with a friend.) I think it's rude and short-sighted--as your kids age, probably the number one thing is for them to have good, kind supportive friends to get them through the awful tween and teen years. See the larger picture and don't burn friendships in order to make some point with your child.