Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 09:30     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
I grew up in the Mid Atlantic from a waspy background and most weddings were paid for by the parents with the groom's family paying for the rehearsal dinner. So that was the regional and cultural background for us when we were all getting married 10-20 years ago, but I do think it's changing these days. There's no rule of thumb any more. And it's sensible that it's changing.

In your case, only do what you think you can afford and want to do. I find many people are entitled when it comes to weddings and I'm not a fan of weddings in general. If you have the money, then sure, spend it. But if you don't, there's far better things to do with the money than a fancy party most people won't really remember. And they all blur and end up being the same.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 08:16     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here, haha - wellll.... the fiance probably could do a little better.

I love both my daughter and fiance very much. But I think they're both very irresponsible. It's such a long story, but in short my husband and I spent several thousands of dollars on her secondary education, vocational training, bad financial decisions, bad decisions in general. Granted, we spent less overall on her education than we did for her sister (since her sister completed her MS), but most of it was a waste as she's now in another vocational program to learn "what she really wanted to do this whole time". While we've made amends and I do see growth in her decision making, I think it's irresponsible to marry while still living with family. (Her fiance is still a year away from a nursing degree.)

We have never once, believe it or not, had a conversation with either her or her sister about their weddings. In retrospect, I even think "wow, how has this never come up?!", but it just hasn't.


OP, that's terrible. This is your own child. The best gift you could give your daughter is to get yourself help to learn to love and support her as a parent should.

Your daughter is demonstrating responsibility by living with her fiance's parents rather than rack up debt to pay for their own place. Your daughter is living frugally and going to school. That sounds like a good plan. It's clear that you're looking for reasons to not support her with this wedding.

Try to work through your own issues and determine a fair amount to give to each daughter when they get married. Let them choose whether to use it for a wedding, house, etc. Given your circumstances, you should definitely just hand them a monetary gift and not get involved in the decision making or let your negative judgment of your daughter show through. Also do something nice like give your daughter a spa day for the two of you, a sentimental gift for an engagement present, etc. Push yourself to be nurturing and supportive.


This is good advice.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 08:12     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If they are not on solid financial footing then why in the world would they spend a lot on a wedding? If I were you, I would offer a set amount of money for them ($5K?). If I were them, I would take that money to help get in better financial shape and have a tiny, budget-friendly wedding or elope.


That sounds like a reasonable contribution and a reasonable plan to me.


I guess I don't see 5k as a reasonable amount for a wedding contribution. Maybe if you paid 100% of college. 20k is more normal if you make about 100k. So maybe if you make less than average 5k might be okay.


LOL, as if you get any say over how other people spend their money?

My parents paid $0 for our wedding - DH and I paid for the entire thing.

We have only sons, not daughters, but regardless, we do not value a big blowout party that lasts several hours on one day. We are getting our kids through private colleges with zero debt, because we value that. We will contribute what we can to our kids' weddings, but will not fund anything extravagant.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 08:11     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We paid for both our daughters weddings to the tune of $60,000 to $90,000 each including wedding dresses and everything else. Our own wedding 36 years ago only cost about $3,500 and we contributed to that. Yes, the amount we spent on our daughters weddings was crazy but we can afford it and I know my wife loved helping my daughters with all of the planning. If there were any bridezilla moments they kept them away from me. The weddings were very different (one city, one country) but both were beautiful so while I am fundamentally frugal I don't have any regrets. But I am happy I only have two daughters!


We are paying for a wedding in that range too. It’s a little crazy but it’s a one time thing and it’s not breaking the bank.


That is fine if you can afford it and that is what you want to do. A bride/groom is crazy, however, to EXPECT that their parents foot the bill for an elaborate wedding.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 07:56     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:OP here, haha - wellll.... the fiance probably could do a little better.

I love both my daughter and fiance very much. But I think they're both very irresponsible. It's such a long story, but in short my husband and I spent several thousands of dollars on her secondary education, vocational training, bad financial decisions, bad decisions in general. Granted, we spent less overall on her education than we did for her sister (since her sister completed her MS), but most of it was a waste as she's now in another vocational program to learn "what she really wanted to do this whole time". While we've made amends and I do see growth in her decision making, I think it's irresponsible to marry while still living with family. (Her fiance is still a year away from a nursing degree.)

We have never once, believe it or not, had a conversation with either her or her sister about their weddings. In retrospect, I even think "wow, how has this never come up?!", but it just hasn't.


OP, that's terrible. This is your own child. The best gift you could give your daughter is to get yourself help to learn to love and support her as a parent should.

Your daughter is demonstrating responsibility by living with her fiance's parents rather than rack up debt to pay for their own place. Your daughter is living frugally and going to school. That sounds like a good plan. It's clear that you're looking for reasons to not support her with this wedding.

Try to work through your own issues and determine a fair amount to give to each daughter when they get married. Let them choose whether to use it for a wedding, house, etc. Given your circumstances, you should definitely just hand them a monetary gift and not get involved in the decision making or let your negative judgment of your daughter show through. Also do something nice like give your daughter a spa day for the two of you, a sentimental gift for an engagement present, etc. Push yourself to be nurturing and supportive.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 07:56     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
I didn't expect my parents to pay for my wedding, but they did. They told me how much they could afford ($15K, IIRC). The trade off, such as it was, was that she wanted to invite some of her friends, which I was completely fine with.

In my experience, this really varies by region, family wealth, and family customs. Some women I know had lavish spreads paid for by their parents, some had parents contribute a set amount, some had both sets of parents pay for/contribute to the wedding, and some paid for it themselves (usually couples who married later in life). So there's no wrong way. Personally, I think giving your daughter a set amount that you are willing and able to contribute and letting her decide how to manage that is the best plan. That way you're not negotiating over the cost of every thing.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 00:59     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:We paid for both our daughters weddings to the tune of $60,000 to $90,000 each including wedding dresses and everything else. Our own wedding 36 years ago only cost about $3,500 and we contributed to that. Yes, the amount we spent on our daughters weddings was crazy but we can afford it and I know my wife loved helping my daughters with all of the planning. If there were any bridezilla moments they kept them away from me. The weddings were very different (one city, one country) but both were beautiful so while I am fundamentally frugal I don't have any regrets. But I am happy I only have two daughters!


We are paying for a wedding in that range too. It’s a little crazy but it’s a one time thing and it’s not breaking the bank.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 00:51     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do people who live together before marriage really do the whole big tacky party & white dress thing?


Who in this day and age can afford not to move in together?


They live with his parents, the girl could have lived with hers. Morals people.


So that's the moral way to live, huh? Live in your parent's basement until you find someone to marry you....
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 00:48     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents footed the entire bill. My in-laws seemed to think this was expected.


Of course they did. Most parents of sons are glad to have sons when it comes time to pay for a wedding.


I knew from when I was a little kid that my parents would not be able to afford to pay for a wedding, so DH and I paid for ours - was less expensive as we married back near where we grew up. My MiL made a big production about how they had already paid for her DD's wedding and that "etiquette" dictates that my parents should now pay. Her comments were unsolicited as we never asked for their help. As i wrote on another thread, she also told us that my parents' name should not go on the invitation as that is to let people know whom they should thank and since they were not paying, their names should be omitted. We have a very good relationship now, yet it really could have gone south if DH had not stepped into let her know she was over the line and that I also decided that our married life would always trump her occasional skewed values.


Our wedding was small so we didn't have a rehearsal dinner. I remember my MIL feeling bad that she and FIL hadn't paid for anything. But dh and I were in our mid 30's and never expected our parents to pay for anything. It was so cute.

FIL took better pictures than our professional photographer did. That was a wonderful gift.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 00:38     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If they are not on solid financial footing then why in the world would they spend a lot on a wedding? If I were you, I would offer a set amount of money for them ($5K?). If I were them, I would take that money to help get in better financial shape and have a tiny, budget-friendly wedding or elope.


That sounds like a reasonable contribution and a reasonable plan to me.


I guess I don't see 5k as a reasonable amount for a wedding contribution. Maybe if you paid 100% of college. 20k is more normal if you make about 100k. So maybe if you make less than average 5k might be okay.


you forgot to include; Sincerely, i'm so unaware of my own privilege DCUMer
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 00:36     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents footed the entire bill. My in-laws seemed to think this was expected.


Of course they did. Most parents of sons are glad to have sons when it comes time to pay for a wedding.


I knew from when I was a little kid that my parents would not be able to afford to pay for a wedding, so DH and I paid for ours - was less expensive as we married back near where we grew up. My MiL made a big production about how they had already paid for her DD's wedding and that "etiquette" dictates that my parents should now pay. Her comments were unsolicited as we never asked for their help. As i wrote on another thread, she also told us that my parents' name should not go on the invitation as that is to let people know whom they should thank and since they were not paying, their names should be omitted. We have a very good relationship now, yet it really could have gone south if DH had not stepped into let her know she was over the line and that I also decided that our married life would always trump her occasional skewed values.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2019 00:25     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do people who live together before marriage really do the whole big tacky party & white dress thing?


Who in this day and age can afford not to move in together?


They live with his parents, the girl could have lived with hers. Morals people.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2019 23:20     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posters that say it depends on your social circle. My parents specifically had a wedding fund for me and my sister so that they could pay for the entire wedding. I was always told about this growing up so it wasn’t unexpected. I was 26 when I got married and in law school so paying for my own wedding would not have been an option.


Objection!

Paying for your own wedding is always an option. Perhaps you would have just had to spend a lot less money on it...


Or gotten married a year or two later than you did. Yes, you could have paid for your wedding.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2019 23:18     Subject: Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If they are not on solid financial footing then why in the world would they spend a lot on a wedding? If I were you, I would offer a set amount of money for them ($5K?). If I were them, I would take that money to help get in better financial shape and have a tiny, budget-friendly wedding or elope.


That sounds like a reasonable contribution and a reasonable plan to me.


I guess I don't see 5k as a reasonable amount for a wedding contribution. Maybe if you paid 100% of college. 20k is more normal if you make about 100k. So maybe if you make less than average 5k might be okay.


Who are you to judge what other people can or can not afford? A bride and groom are just as married after a 5K wedding as they are after a 40K wedding. If both sets of their parents gave 5K, then that is 10K to use towards their wedding.
Anonymous
Post 07/23/2019 22:58     Subject: Re:Is paying for a daughter's wedding still a thing?
We married at 33. We paid for most of it, his parents paid for the booze. Mind didn't pay for anything.